New Interns

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Originally uploaded by sparrow photography

Well, I know I'm about to move out, but for my last several weeks here I get to live with these two newbies at the Boiler Room: Charla and Jordan. They're great. They bring some great graces to our community.

Charla brings a bouyant enthusiasm, a green thumb, piano playing and vocal skills, and an emotional honesty that is quite refreshing.

Jordan brings a quiet integrity, initiative to seek out those in need in creative ways, and some mechanical prowess.

On the day of this photo, we were just walking to Duthler's to pick up a couple grocery items. And Michael brought along his camera. I love it.

prayer (2nd in a reflection series)

[as my year of internship at the Stockbridge Boiler Room draws to a close (April 1), it seems good and fitting to me to take some time to reflect in this space on what i've gleaned from this season and to testify to the goodness of a Living God who has directed its course. so the next few entries will centered on this.]

i don't know that i really prayed a whole lot before I moved here. i think i listened to other people pray and i said amen. i think that my most eloquent prayer was (and maybe continues to be), "Help!"

if you had told me two years ago that i would spend, on average, approximately 2 hours a day in prayer, i would have found it distasteful and highly unlikely, both. but now it's deeply enough ingrained in me that when i go away on vacation, my day feels like it has two giant holes cut into it: one at 7 am and the other at 8 pm (these are the times we pray as a community at the SBR).

for whatever it's worth, here's some of what i've learned about prayer this year:

1) prayer is probably equivalent to the abiding Jesus called his disciples to (John 15:4). Jesus said to abide with Him and He promised a counselor to abide in us. in one of those divine mysteries that I probably shouldn't even pretend to understand, prayer is this communion betwen the Spirit of God in me and the Father in heaven. it's how i stay stuck in Him and it's the entry point for the Life of Christ to be poured into me.

2) prayer is every bit as much about hearing as talking. sitting down for an hour of prayer seems daunting until you realize that only about 15 minutes of that hour should be spent talking or thinking of things to pray for. the other 45 minutes might just be resting in His presence (because even His silent presence changes things profoundly) or opening up the ears of your spirit to hear His voice. He talks, oh, yes, He is a talker. and i am learning, slowly, how to hear Him. i have loved engaging this practice of listening prayer this year and blogged a bit more about it here.

3) a life of prayer is rhythmic. we are creatures of habit. and whatever we don't have habits for won't usually last long. so even though there have been seasons this year when my hunger for Jesus was so strong that i could hardly stay away from the place of prayer, there have also been dry seasons, and in those seasons, it has been helpful to have a rhythm built-in, to fall back on. it's part of our getting up and our laying down, an unquestioned part of the day. it's the breathing in of the Life of Christ before we exhale into our busy lives. as tony is fond of saying, we ought to organize our lives around prayer, rather than organizing prayer around our lives.

4) prayer is corporate. when i talk about prayer, i often use "we" language. i guess maybe that's because a lot of my prayer life this year has happened with 5-8 other people huddled in a garage each day. but i guess maybe there's something to that. not just for accountability, but also because we aren't really individuals. we're part of a body of Christ, whether we're fully conscious of that or not, and when we sit down to pray with other parts of that body we can remember better. and we can be reminded that God has concerns for them, too, not just ourselves.

5) prayer is on behalf of others - intercession (Job 16:19-21, Ezekiel 22:30). i have been asking the Lord to give me the heart of an intercessor. oh, i still have so far to go in this. but as Beth Moore points out, scripture is full of examples of the prayers of one man leading to the salvation of entire nations. in other words, as Pastor Rod says, we can use our relational favor with God as leverage for moving God's will on behalf of the broken and needy.

6) praying out loud matters. there is a heavenly realm and it is bustling with activity. it's not tame activity, either. it's warfare. so when i stand up and declare aloud to the heavenlies the truth of who God is and His promises over me, there are spiritual beings hearing my words and trembling. the angels tremble with praise, and the demons with fear. i pray out loud a lot. in my room, in the car, as i walk, and in the prayer room. it helps it to feel more real to me, personally. but i have also come to believe that it moves things in the unseen realms.

7) prayer likes a place. i don't mean this in a legalistic way, as though there are only some places sacred enough to pray. prayer should be integrated into all the nooks and crannies of our lives, certainly, but a place is helpful, too. the celts talked about "thin places" -- those geographic locations where the gap between heaven and earth was narrower. and in Punk Monk, Andy Freeman talks about how we can "pray open thin places" in our cities and invite others into them. i love how people come to the prayer garage here and really meet with God, how they report sensing His presence in the room from the moment that they walk in. like He's come to make a tabernacle here. and in our frailty, we often need dedicated spaces to engage with God where piles of laundry and business deadlines can't distract. from this day forward, i want to have a dedicated prayer room (or closet or garage) in my homestead.

8) prayer of a righteous one accomplishes much (James 5:16). oh, prayer is not impotent. and the prayer prayed in faith in accordance with the heart of God by a righteous person does not go unheard. i expect to see things change now. i persist until they do. because God has made it pretty darn clear that He hears us and He moves in response to us. how an unchanging, ineffable God can be changed by the prayers of His people i do not pretend to be able to explain, but there it is. so when i lay my hands on someone and pray for their healing, i expect it to accomplish some healing. when i speak in the authority of Jesus' name and tell demons to flee, i expect them to go.

9) we pray "your kingdom come," we don't program it in. this is something pastor rod said that has really stuck with me. see, there have been so many times this year where the immense and persistent neediness of my neighbors here has stunned me into overwhelmed hopelessness. what can i do for you?! the problems are so deep, the solutions so complicated, the things we are up against run so deep. and then i remember that i can pray. and where i once would have said "i guess all i can do is pray," now i say, "i can pray and that will change things." i'm much less quick to jump in with persuasive arguments, activism, and hand-outs these days... instead, we take it to the prayer garage. and then we wait. then God opens up a door and His kingdom is subtly and unmistakably ushered into that place.

10) prayer is where we begin to know God. and this is all He wants. we were reading the other day about how samuel grew up ministering to the Lord in the temple under Eli the priest, which meant he probably knew a lot about God, and yet He didn't KNOW God until the word of the Lord was revealed to him (3:1,7, 19-21). the word for know there is the same as the word that tells us that adam knew eve - it implies intimacy and to know by experience and revelation. i want to know God. and it seems like in the place of prayer is where i have the best shot of getting glimpses of His heart. which makes sense, because it's only when we give time and attention that we get to know anyone at all.

and this is probably only the beginning. but it shall have to do for now.
i think i could spend my entire life practicing, engaging in, and learning prayer.

to miss him

my love's voice is floating through these computer speakers in the form of songs he's recorded for me in his bedroom on his macbook. and the trinkets of delight and wisdom from our recently ended phone conversation are also here to keep me company.

i miss him.

i don't normally miss people, except in theory. i am usually present and content with whomever is nearby. this isn't to say that i don't get excited about seeing people i haven't seen in a long time and relish time with them when we are reunited.

but this... this is a missing with physicality, persistence, and depth.

to miss him is an aching beauty:
to find each experience, person, and sight would be richer if he were there with me,
to feel the yearning in my body that knows it is meant to be where he is,
to shiver with fear at the thought of something happening to him,
to know that all of this is part of God's good work in us.

(in just under three weeks, he will come for me. it will be time.)

here is the honest truth

here is the honest truth (i'll be transparent): sometimes He breaks me. i've been shaken and i've been dancing again with ghosts of familiar spirits. there's been that oppressive cloud of condemnation, doubt, fear, and control threatening to smother me. indeed, i was held captive three days in isolation and despair. it took me three days to see clearly enough what i needed to do next: i've been having to stand on faith alone and by sheer will-power choose to believe my God. i've had to peel my fingers from their clinging grasp on some things and at the same time open my heart to receive those same things with full assurance. this brokenness, which led to surrender, humility, and boldness, is part of how He fathers me.

here is the honest truth (i'll be transparent): He is for me. He smiles at my tenacity like a proud papa. He doesn't keep me in despair and He has never ever ever failed to respond to my cry for help. He continues to deliver me, deeply and intimately. He loves it when i stand in agreement with Him and fight to take hold of Him. He loves that i wrestle with Him and don't let go until i've seen Him prove Himself good. He speaks to me and His voice is gentle, kind and seeping love. i am free and i am confidently possessing the land He's given me to inherit. He has made promises to me. He has said YES.

living in community (1st in a reflection series)

[as my year of internship at the Stockbridge Boiler Room draws to a close (April 1), it seems good and fitting to me to take some time to reflect in this space on what i've gleaned from this season and to testify to the goodness of a Living God who has directed its course. so the next few entries will centered on this.]

a call of God on your heart can lead you to say yes to things you would never before have dreamed of saying yes to. i remember struggling a lot at the thought of what living in community would be like, even though i really wanted it. i was worried about many aspects of it which now seem insignificant (e.g., sharing a bathroom with several girls, having my dietary preferences affected, not having lovely hardwood floors).

but here's what i've gleaned...

1) community is not the goal, but the vehicle. the goal and destination is Jesus. a good, intentional, christian community will be about much much more than christian people living together to reduces costs. it will be family. it will be people getting into each other's business, spurring one another on to follow Jesus with holistic integrity. there have been times when i think i've been tempted to make community God because i'm so pleased with how lovely it has been to live here with these people. but communities where Jesus is not the center don't work this well, don't impart this much life, and are not really much different that the ill-fated hippie communes of the 70s. we are not hippies.

2) community doesn't work without prayer. i think the glue that holds this community together in all the comings and goings of interns and house guests is that there's this unending rhythm, born of commitment to incarnational presence, of daily prayer. twice a day in the garage out back you can bet there'll be all or some of this household bowed in prayer and raising our voices in worship. it's our anchor. it centers us. it lets us see one another's hearts before the Lord so that we know how better to support one another and so that we're not so quick to annoyance with one another. it's our indirect conflict resolution. it's where we clean up. it's where we go to receive healing through the laying on of hands and intercession. even when i leave, this house will keep on praying. and that is exactly as it ought to be.

3) community doesn't exist for its own pleasure, but to minister to Jesus and neighbors. we love one another well so that the world can see something of the love of Jesus in a breathing, three-dimensional presentation. we serve each other because that's how Jesus said we can serve Him and because it is worship. we create family and unity amongst ourselves so that we can invite in the stranger and the poor to take shelter in our shade, an anomaly in an otherwise chaotic and unkind world. we're blessed to be a blessing.

4) community requires dying. it's true that you can't just go trouncing off to any activity your heart so desires without there being a ripple effect on the whole household. we have to say no to some things we'd prefer to say yes to so that a girl isn't home alone with a demonized hobo or so that someone else isn't single-handedly cleaning up after dinner. we're in this together, which means that the needs of my community have some say in how i order my days. and this isn't unfair nor an impingement upon my individuality and self-direction; it is part of being the people of God, which was always more corporate than individual.

5) community is a smelting furnace. you can think that you are basically a good person who has her stuff pretty well in order until you live in close proximity with people who are not your blood relatives. then all the junk comes to surface. like when a disproportionate irritation at a poorly-loaded dishwasher brings to your attention a deep-seeded perfectionism and superiority. or when all sorts of ugly envy comes to the surface in the form of criticism and squelching of your housemates' pleasure or success. and you have a choice: you can stay with it, determined to be refined by it, to make it right with the other person and to invite Jesus into that space to set you free... or you can get sullen, pout, and reap the consequences (until someone calls you on the carpet about it). a smelting furnace is a good place to be.

6) community prepares me for wifehood and motherhood. this is mostly to do with item #4 above. ;) but also, there are practical pieces of learning to manage or co-manage a household in keeping kitchen inventory, delegating chores, preparing meals for groups of people, keeping the laundry machines going, tending to the yard, sharing a bathroom, and tending to emotional needs. (also, i've also seen how this community has raised up the guys among us into godly men of integrity with husband and father hearts).

7) community does well when meals are shared. it's another anchor point. and there's a powerful fellowship in eating the same things in the same place that i believe Jesus understood and practiced. friendships are built over shared food. and it teaches us to share our things. in this house, we take turns cooking dinner and on the nights that we cook, we are also funding the meal, which sometimes has stretched pocket books, but we do it anyway. these meals are also the entry point for friends and neighbors as we invite them in to share our joy have their bellies filled with good things.

8) community is nourished and informed by hospitality. (i'll make this a separate post).

9) community, done well, heals. the people i live with today are not the same people i lived with a year ago when i moved in. they have blossomed, they have become more free, they walk with more confidence and on more solid ground. they have been healed by love. in having the opportunity to experience family in a different way and to try out new ways of relating in the safety of healthy relationships, we have all been healed significantly.

10) community probably shouldn't be just a one-year internship. there's no turning back. i think most of us feel that way about this. once you've tasted it, you don't want to go back to living alone in an apartment with a passing-in-the-night roommate or to a single-family house in the sprawling burbs. we love the mess and something about his resonates with ancient, divinely-instilled impulse for corporate identity. when i leave here, i'm going to grow into and alongside another family of friends in Madison (and with my love, Tim). as far as i can see from here, this'll be my lifestyle indefinitely, even after marriage and babies (though I'm open to being otherwise directed by the all-knowing Spirit of God).

all of it matters

Someday there'll be:
orphanages in africa and orphans at home
boiler rooms in scarred neighborhoods
shepherding simple churches in unexpected places
a home full of friends chasing Jesus together
foreign landscapes and audacious journeys
teaching and discipling spiritual sons and daughters
trusting wholly on God for all our provision

but in the Meantime there's be:
eggs and french presses in the morning
dish-washing and slow-dancing in the kitchen
naps on the cushy rug and walks after dinner
heart conversations deep into the night
gazes and embraces with gentle affection
practicalities of rhythms and nesting
going to jobs and paying off debt

and the latter is just as important, just as much kingdom work, as the former.
and we won't skip the Meantime because that's the foundation work for the Someday.

so i will sit in the Here-and-Now and hold the possibilities for the Someday with surrendered and hopeful expectation. for this season my eyes will be fixed on his and the spiritual work of pouring into him, nourishing him, learning him, keeping step with him... until God turns us outward and forward, united and clear-eyed, to drag His kingdom to earth around us.

and it'll be the ride of our lives. all of it.