in so many words

a new blog in a new place

2009-07-16T14:24:00.002-04:00

looks like i'll be posting, along with tim, on our joint blog from here on out.

www.timandbrookecollier.wordpress.com

bookmark it.

a first

2009-07-09T23:05:00.002-04:00

tonight, for the first time, i prayed, "Thank you for bringing me to Madison, Papa"... and meant it.

He took me to Lake Michigan

2009-06-01T15:01:00.004-04:00

this morning during our morning prayer time, tim got out the guitar and led us in a little bit of worship, just us two (this is a thing precious, a thing not frequently enough occurring). i laid down to rest on the floor as he strummed, settling into a posture of restful adoration...

then Papa took me to the beach. in my mind's eye, clear as can be, and accompanied by Holy Spirit tears welling up in my eyes, He took me to Lake Michigan. you know that moment, heading west on Lake Michigan Drive when you see the lake for the first time, on the other side of those vintage water treatment plant buildings? at that first sight of that expanse of water, excitement and contentment fills my heart and i know that i am about to be in a place favored above most others.

and those still waters He talks about leading His sheep to... well, He was whispering that He was taking me to my still waters, and they are Lake Michigan. He knows me so well. He gave me a vivid, sensory imagining of a place and moment that are very special to me. because He loves me and He leads me by still waters.

psalm 1:3 was spoken over me prophetically be a near-stranger a couple of weeks ago:
(s)he is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
whatever (s)he does prospers.

so Papa has been talking to me a lot about dropping my striving. He reassures me that He has me planted right where He wants me and i WILL yeild fruit in season, but that fruit won't come from my striving. oh, all the controling, managing, franic striving i've been doing since i moved here: in order to make a place for myself here, to show that i'm enough of a misisonary to be supported, and enough of a fruit-bearer to be a worthy daughter.

freely receiving is hard for me. but i'm starting to see that i've got to get this. He's so patiently fathering me.

so this morning i receive an imaginary day at Lake Michigan with my Jesus.

Twenty-Three (I will not be in want)

2009-05-27T08:32:00.002-04:00

"Do you find yourself at this very moment surrounded with needs, and nearly overwhelmed with difficulties, trials, and emergencies? Each of these is God's way of providing vessels for the Holy Spirit to fill...opportunities for receiving new blessings and deliverance you can receive in no other way. The Lord is saying 'Bring them here to me' (Matt 14:18). Remain still before Him, and stop your own restless working until He begins to work. What a source - God! What a supply - His glorious riches! What a channel - Christ Jesus! It is your heavenly privilege to trust all your needs to His glorious riches, and to forget your needs in the presence of His riches. In His great love, He has thrown open to you His exhaustive treasury."
-From Streams in The Desert

a ring, a kiss, & three words

2009-05-25T00:19:00.006-04:00

now I wear this small silver ring on the most significant finger

and what it says to me when I look at it is this:

that I am saying yes to him; I am promised

and what it says to him when he looks at it is this:

he has made a down-payment on a pearl of great price;

has vowed to give himself to me as a husband

so now when I look him in the eye I see

decades unfurling before us like gentle rolling tides

I see how we dance with one another now

and imagine how we’ll dance when we are old

when I hold his hand or stroke his arm

I realize that this flesh is merely a part

of the whole flesh that will one day soon be One Flesh

I carry the weighty wonder of knowing that

we will be each other’s never-leavers

we’ll spend this entire earth-living life

belonging to one another

and here is how it happened:

after the blessings of fathers granted

and so much careful scheming accomplished,

be took me to a rooftop at sunset

with the expanse of a city not our own stretched out before us

and a room full of a hundred and fifty family-of-God friends

exploring the father heart of God together downstairs

and there was specially commissioned graffiti art

from our dread-headed friend

and a poem in a shirt pocket

a ring in a pants pocket

there were lilies there

and he (my lover, my friend) kneeled before me

when he said, “brooke, will you be my wife?”

there were things we’d saved up for this day

like the first kiss of lips on lips

and the words “I love you”

so that both of these are

forever first of all about commitment

and second about pleasure and romanticism

sweetly co-existing in this rightly-ordered way

do you know how I replied?

mostly it was with squealing

and jumping up and down excitedly

as i thought how this is really happening -

this thing I have waited over a decade for -

and with such a man as this

with whom I entrust my entire being

because he’s a whole lot like Jesus

I found myself unafraid and free to say

“yes, with all my heart.”

now I will kiss him with the kisses of my mouth and

I will love him with my life and my hands and my heart

I will love him love him love him

all the way Home

accept

2009-05-09T11:35:00.003-04:00

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. (Romans 15:7)

when a thing has been very good, the thing that comes after it may seem to lack in comparison.

when you have loved people very much, the next people God gives you to love may seem hard to open your heart to.

if i am very honest, this has how it has felt for me here in madison. i have been holding the stockbridge boiler room and my family there so tightly in my heart because it has been so good and i have loved so much... and that has translated into resistance, judgment, criticism, a holding at arm's length.

this morning, the Spirit comes and says, "you have not accepted them. it is time to decide to accept them."

in fleshing out the idea of TO ACCEPT, the new king james and american standard versions use the phrase, "receive one another." dictionary.com says:

1.	to take or receive (something offered); receive with approval or favor: to accept a present; to accept a proposal.

2.	to agree or consent to; accede to: to accept a treaty; to accept an apology.

3.	to respond or answer affirmatively to: to accept an invitation

12.	to receive or contain (something attached, inserted, etc.)

13.	to receive (a transplanted organ or tissue) without adverse reaction.

i want to walk out repentance here. and He'll receive praise in that.

cooking for kids

2009-05-08T14:40:00.003-04:00

i accepted a new job today. at Big Oak Child Care Center.

i'll be a cook, making 38 wee little lunches each weekday for toddlers and preschoolers. the kitchen, slender and with partial walls between it and the toddler area, will be filled with the sounds of the kids playing as i work. it will be "my" kitchen, my domain. i'll be responsible for planning healthy menus, grocery shopping and keeping the kitchen stocked, as well as making the lunches and cleaning up afterwards.

the place is just two blocks from my house, which means i can walk there (great, considering tim and i will be sharing just one car starting next week). that also means that i can meet a lot of our neighbors, via their small children, which is part of being missionally engaged in a community, which matters to me a great deal.

i'll work from 9-1 Monday through Friday. there are benefits that make my mom feel better. the other staff is great and the working environment healthy and sun-filled. i "have to" take continuing education classes, like cooking classes at Whole Foods (you don't have to tell me twice!).

this is good provision.

thank you, Papa.

2009-05-06T22:55:00.001-04:00

i can no more be lost by God than the earth can be lost by the sun

winnebago house | a slice

2009-05-02T19:05:00.006-04:00

the counter space in the kitchen faces expansive windows
and in the evening hours that golden glimmering light spreads itself across
faux wood counter tops, making the vegetables glow on the cutting board
while i chop, smell, toss, sprinkle them into dinner form
that i'll sit down to eat with the love of my life after he's come home
sometimes he'll perch on the counter nearby,
carefully chosen melodies streaming from his mac book
and we'll keep company this way
and every day

the spaces are wide here and there is light from every direction
we've got art on every wall that doesn't necessarily match
and it is quiet, 'cept when you can hear the heavy-footed walking
or the father-son wrestling from the flat above us,
mostly only in the early mornings and the evenings

a neighbor to the west and a neighbor to the east
both have magnolia trees with sweet fragrances wafting and
the alley behind us is lined by the backs of darling homes
with top-level units and their tiny little porches
(there are so many baby-sized houses here)
and i wonder about the folks who occupy them and
how we can get them to come to our open-doored home
and engage with the presence of the Lord who reigns here
i want them to come in
to the under-used community flat with it's exposed-brick walls
just waiting, groaning and empty for folks to
dance, talk, laugh, pray their little hearts out in its embrace

this place used to be a meth lab before
it was purchased, gutted, restored, and re-purposed
i'm a sucker for a redeemed house

three months from now the inhabitants of this house
will have almost entirely turned over
there'll be new faces of hand-picked disciples
and intentional investment in the work of community
and the practices of boiler room kingdom-building in full swing
we are standing on the brink of these things
and we are breathless with anticipation

(and maybe,
if i dare to believe that God may so bless me,
i'll be entrusted with some responsibilities
resembling that of an abbess
here)

our first week together

2009-04-24T17:07:00.001-04:00

a couple couple-y shots of us during our first week together in madison.

madison musings

2009-04-24T16:12:00.004-04:00

1.

when you realize that you have the capacity to make someone happy, i think it makes you want to do so. knowing that i have the ability to influence tim, to make his heart swell with joy, to make his chest puff with confidence... this makes me want to knock myself out to give him that.
and he, he would do anything to see me smile. and does.

2.

i'm not sure we can loosely or figuratively interpret Jesus' words about being with the poor, nor the repetitious declarations of Papa's affection for the poor. i think maybe it's literal economic deprivation that God is getting at here. i'm beginning to wonder if it's not even just about being kind to the poor and helping them to climb out of their poverty, but that maybe there's something to be said for joining them in it (to be poor without being in bondage to a spirit of poverty; to redefine wealth). that maybe there's some secret keys to the Kingdom hidden in living with and as the poor. and here in this polished madison neighborhood, what i miss the most is, surprisingly, the integration of homeless and addicted friends into daily life. there was something in those unlikely friendships that breathed freshness into my soul and into our community. and this new house, airy and still, feels sometimes more like cheap comfort than the previous gift of shalom prevailing amidst a holy chaos. i believe God's given me territory here, but sometimes i say, with longing, "oh, tim, can't we just move into the worst neighborhood in madison?!"

3.

5:30 a.m. is still-dark and hopeful. it's when i get out of bed and put the water to boil for the french press. then warm up the rice porridge whilst i take a quick shower and put on some clothes. i take my bible and journal to the cushy red rug in the living room (it was during conversations on this rug i fell in love with tim), and, coffee mugs in hand (one for him, one for me) i wait for him to come. at 5:50 he steps through the door and embraces me a few moments before we settle in to chat with our Papa. we talk with Him aloud, starting with adoration and gratitude, moving into confident petitioning on behalf of ourselves, our household, our families, our neighborhood, and our ministries. at 6:30, with our hearts so bowed and our hands so offered, we then part ways to work our days.

4.

and here is how work is working. for me, it's 7-11 a.m. on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays. it's working with grace of the glittering smile and the patient-through-pain voice. it's finding here on her anti-gravity bed, tended to by the gentle hands of randy-the-nurse and renada-the-care-giver, going through the painstaking process of getting her paralyzed body out of bed for one more day. while lindsay, who is 7 in mind and 23 in body, goes through her own routine in their shared bathroom, occasionally saying, "you dirty rat." and i have involvement in the intimate moments of a beginning-the-day routine, and i am learning to see with the eyes of a woman who can move nothing more than biceps and neck-up, and i am lending my hands and my strength where hers would have been had she not been in that accident 9 years ago. a great deal of the time she is in pain from misalignment or slow-to-heal sores that rip her flesh, and i hurt to know that as i go through my learning curve, i may at moments contribute to her bodily pain. but i do so hope that in my light-filled presence i might somehow sooth other sorts of pains.

then i go home to run my errands, keep my house, ride a bike, cook dinner for friends, snuggle my boyfriend, stand in a hot shower... and i think of how fortunate these small things are, how not to be taken for granted.

normal-er

2009-04-17T02:30:00.004-04:00

today felt something like normal.

the sun was shining, for one thing. it was was 70 degrees.

i wore a skirt and flip-flops.

i unpacked some more more things, switched the season of my wardrobe, and took some things down to the basement to await their time.

i landed a job as an assistant photographer for primavera studio. i am really pleased about this development. i like their souls. i like their business philosophy. i like their art. i know i'll grow a lot as i shoot with them this summer.

i went to two amazing neighrborhood grocery stores - willy street co-op and jennifer street market - with rachel. (to me, these places are like candy stores).

i had an iced chai, a long walk, and a lay-in-the-sun-on-the-dock-and-watch-the-ducks-and-toddlers time with chelsea at lake wingra.

i made a thai-style dinner for some of my new friends (chelsea, jake, rachel, kiersty, tim) while tim sat perched on the counter getting caught up on emails.

we all sat on the kitchen floor, drinking tea and discussing chapter 9 of Punk Monk (mercy and justice).

we sat in the living room and responded prayerfully to what the holy spirit put in our hearts from that discussion.

i had some good quality one-one-one time with tim, which obviously included googly-eyes.

i emailed my mom and siblings.

and now i will sleep.

(it will only keep getting better).

from my friend linford (of over the rhine)

2009-04-16T09:07:00.002-04:00

When I was younger I would often write myself short job descriptions. I was thinking out loud about what might be worth hanging a life on, a life I was willing to sign my name to:

-Create spaces where good things can happen.

-Give the world something beautiful, some gift of gratitude, no matter how insignificant or small.

-Write love letters to the whole world.

-Build fires outdoors, and lift a glass and tell stories, and listen, and laugh, laugh, laugh. (Karin says I’m still working on this one. She thinks I still need to laugh more, especially at
her jokes, puns and witty asides.)

-Flip a breaker and plunge the farm into darkness so that the stars can be properly seen.

-Do not squander afflictions.

-Own the longing, the non-negotiable need to “praise the mutilated world.”

-Find the music.

I still crave the extravagant gesture, the woman spilling a year’s wages on the feet of Jesus, the rarest perfume, washing his feet and drying them with her hair, a gesture so sensual it left the other men in the room paralyzed with criticism, analysis, theoretical moral concern - for what - the poor? Or was it just misdirected outrage in light of the glaring poverty of their own imaginations?...

Music and art and writing: extravagant, essential, the act of spilling something, a cup running over…

The simultaneous cry of, You must change your life, and Welcome home.

saying goodbyes at the SBR

2009-04-15T14:23:00.000-04:00

(a slideshow by Michael Newsted)

small

2009-04-15T11:43:00.006-04:00

my dear friend,

i think you will understand what i mean when i say that i feel small
how i felt small from that moment at
the counter beside my knight in shining armor
at the foodsmith, looking out over south division street
the truck loaded with all my earthly possessions in view
for the first time just the two of us, alone
with the image of all of you standing
on the porch of my recently left home
waving until we could no longer be seen
and i felt small
that is the only word i could come up with
to explain to him the tears
so he gathered me into his arms and kissed away my tears
even though everyone walking down the sidewalk could see
and he spoke over me words too private to write here
but they were the best words
and he is the best man

so now i have been in this new house approximately 36 hours
and i have this room with blue walls and an over-zealous heater
but i've been so very sick, almost from the start
with intestines turning themselves inside out and all my body aching
so that for all of yesterday i was in bed and couldn't nest a bit
(but, oh, how i had wanted to nest)
instead i laid there, sleeping, thinking, feeling numb
rachelann came and laid hands on me and prayed
she said that my spirit is warring with a great grief
that the sorrow of leaving home is taking on a bodily form
and i guess maybe she is right because i haven't been able to cry
haven't been able to emotionally connect with the enormity of
this uprooting

it is uprooting, but it is being replanted
it is goodbye, but it is hello
it was lasts, and now it is firsts
and when he came home from work yesterday
bearing applesauce, dried mango slices, kalmata olives
(food of for the sick) and flowers
then he just stayed by my side and rubbed my back
he reminded me how glad he is that i am here with him
and his presence is the best of all medicine
but coming into this new family sick, feverish, depeleted
with all my possessions scattered across the flat
(i just moved my entire life here, minus the bike, which would not fit)
and me too weak to be able to do anything about it
i feel small

i am not afraid like i used to get
not of being loved like this, nor of being committed
i have not had cold feet
i have not wanted anything other than this
than him

today i feel 80% better so
i got up and began a bit of unpacking
until the sadness slipped in
and i wondered where i was
where are my people
and he who is my home is not home
so i feel so very small

jenn had a word for me a while ago
to always remember that
God is my home
this three-fold family of Papa, Jesus, and Spirit
and wherever i go and whomever with, they are
home
and here everyone keeps telling me,
"welcome home"
but i have never left it

i am small and weak
and in that place He reminds me that
His grace is sufficient
and tenderness is a good stance for
encountering joy

it's tomorrow

2009-04-10T23:50:00.004-04:00

it's no longer in the distant future; it's tomorrow.
tomorrow he comes for me, readied as he can be.
we'll pass brown boxes and rubbermaids, boxsprings and bookshelves into a trailer and truck.
we'll receive blessings and prayers of from the people of my Michigan life.
and monday morning (following a special breakfast and probably tears) we'll drive away.
into the sunset, as they say.

what will await me on the other side?
an emptied bedroom (it has pale blue walls; it is off the dining room).
a house full of jovial, godly people who already love me, and who are sitting down to dinner.
(that's all i know so far).

Hearing God's Voice

2009-04-06T12:44:00.001-04:00

this is a wonderful teaching about how to hear God's voice, really practically and simply.
it is so much worth checking out that i'm putting the link here for all of you to hear.
the teacher is Juli Cox from the Kansas City Boiler Room.

a few thoughts on the last days

2009-04-05T21:33:00.006-04:00

so we're down to the days of "lasts" -- my last trip to meijer, my last intern breakfast, my last burger at the cottage bar, my last 24/7 prayer week. the countdown has begun.

and what is on my mind in these final days? seems like a switch got flipped on wednesday and now i'm in this sweet spot of simultaneously being deeply present and affectionate with my here-and-now while also being absolutely ready to for tim to come take me home. it's teaching me some things about waiting for heaven.

so i've been thinking about things like learning how to quilt, about the role of information and books in my life as a disciple, about what it means to minister to Jesus like the women who followed him from Galilee to meet his needs, and about summer in madison with tim. i'm savoring meals with the tenderos and the interns (what wonderful food we eat!), and loving the heck out of the hobos. i'm patiently watching salmon jump up the fish ladder, taking photos of my friends and family playing together, shopping at vintage stores and staying up late with my housemates, and listening to adam cox's teachings on the KC boiler room website as i begin to pack. i'm seeing and seizing opportunities to pass on whatever small bits of wisdom i've gleaned to those who will come/continue after me here. and most of all, i'm just walking around with this quiet certitude that He is very very near to me, and that He is smiling.

in lots of ways i've been less present to tim. there's been many days when i've had to cancel or rearrange our rhythm of nightly phone conversations, and i've been writing him fewer emails. but though on the surface i'm giving him less of my time and energy right now, my heart is quietly but surely becoming more completely his, more and more readied to go. with him.

so these are the last days. and i am quiet inside.

New Interns

2009-03-31T13:55:00.001-04:00

(11 of 49)
Originally uploaded by sparrow photography

Well, I know I'm about to move out, but for my last several weeks here I get to live with these two newbies at the Boiler Room: Charla and Jordan. They're great. They bring some great graces to our community.

Charla brings a bouyant enthusiasm, a green thumb, piano playing and vocal skills, and an emotional honesty that is quite refreshing.

Jordan brings a quiet integrity, initiative to seek out those in need in creative ways, and some mechanical prowess.

On the day of this photo, we were just walking to Duthler's to pick up a couple grocery items. And Michael brought along his camera. I love it.

prayer (2nd in a reflection series)

2009-03-22T01:50:00.003-04:00

[as my year of internship at the Stockbridge Boiler Room draws to a close (April 1), it seems good and fitting to me to take some time to reflect in this space on what i've gleaned from this season and to testify to the goodness of a Living God who has directed its course. so the next few entries will centered on this.]

i don't know that i really prayed a whole lot before I moved here. i think i listened to other people pray and i said amen. i think that my most eloquent prayer was (and maybe continues to be), "Help!"

if you had told me two years ago that i would spend, on average, approximately 2 hours a day in prayer, i would have found it distasteful and highly unlikely, both. but now it's deeply enough ingrained in me that when i go away on vacation, my day feels like it has two giant holes cut into it: one at 7 am and the other at 8 pm (these are the times we pray as a community at the SBR).

for whatever it's worth, here's some of what i've learned about prayer this year:

1) prayer is probably equivalent to the abiding Jesus called his disciples to (John 15:4). Jesus said to abide with Him and He promised a counselor to abide in us. in one of those divine mysteries that I probably shouldn't even pretend to understand, prayer is this communion betwen the Spirit of God in me and the Father in heaven. it's how i stay stuck in Him and it's the entry point for the Life of Christ to be poured into me.

2) prayer is every bit as much about hearing as talking. sitting down for an hour of prayer seems daunting until you realize that only about 15 minutes of that hour should be spent talking or thinking of things to pray for. the other 45 minutes might just be resting in His presence (because even His silent presence changes things profoundly) or opening up the ears of your spirit to hear His voice. He talks, oh, yes, He is a talker. and i am learning, slowly, how to hear Him. i have loved engaging this practice of listening prayer this year and blogged a bit more about it here.

3) a life of prayer is rhythmic. we are creatures of habit. and whatever we don't have habits for won't usually last long. so even though there have been seasons this year when my hunger for Jesus was so strong that i could hardly stay away from the place of prayer, there have also been dry seasons, and in those seasons, it has been helpful to have a rhythm built-in, to fall back on. it's part of our getting up and our laying down, an unquestioned part of the day. it's the breathing in of the Life of Christ before we exhale into our busy lives. as tony is fond of saying, we ought to organize our lives around prayer, rather than organizing prayer around our lives.

4) prayer is corporate. when i talk about prayer, i often use "we" language. i guess maybe that's because a lot of my prayer life this year has happened with 5-8 other people huddled in a garage each day. but i guess maybe there's something to that. not just for accountability, but also because we aren't really individuals. we're part of a body of Christ, whether we're fully conscious of that or not, and when we sit down to pray with other parts of that body we can remember better. and we can be reminded that God has concerns for them, too, not just ourselves.

5) prayer is on behalf of others - intercession (Job 16:19-21, Ezekiel 22:30). i have been asking the Lord to give me the heart of an intercessor. oh, i still have so far to go in this. but as Beth Moore points out, scripture is full of examples of the prayers of one man leading to the salvation of entire nations. in other words, as Pastor Rod says, we can use our relational favor with God as leverage for moving God's will on behalf of the broken and needy.

6) praying out loud matters. there is a heavenly realm and it is bustling with activity. it's not tame activity, either. it's warfare. so when i stand up and declare aloud to the heavenlies the truth of who God is and His promises over me, there are spiritual beings hearing my words and trembling. the angels tremble with praise, and the demons with fear. i pray out loud a lot. in my room, in the car, as i walk, and in the prayer room. it helps it to feel more real to me, personally. but i have also come to believe that it moves things in the unseen realms.

7) prayer likes a place. i don't mean this in a legalistic way, as though there are only some places sacred enough to pray. prayer should be integrated into all the nooks and crannies of our lives, certainly, but a place is helpful, too. the celts talked about "thin places" -- those geographic locations where the gap between heaven and earth was narrower. and in Punk Monk, Andy Freeman talks about how we can "pray open thin places" in our cities and invite others into them. i love how people come to the prayer garage here and really meet with God, how they report sensing His presence in the room from the moment that they walk in. like He's come to make a tabernacle here. and in our frailty, we often need dedicated spaces to engage with God where piles of laundry and business deadlines can't distract. from this day forward, i want to have a dedicated prayer room (or closet or garage) in my homestead.

8) prayer of a righteous one accomplishes much (James 5:16). oh, prayer is not impotent. and the prayer prayed in faith in accordance with the heart of God by a righteous person does not go unheard. i expect to see things change now. i persist until they do. because God has made it pretty darn clear that He hears us and He moves in response to us. how an unchanging, ineffable God can be changed by the prayers of His people i do not pretend to be able to explain, but there it is. so when i lay my hands on someone and pray for their healing, i expect it to accomplish some healing. when i speak in the authority of Jesus' name and tell demons to flee, i expect them to go.

9) we pray "your kingdom come," we don't program it in. this is something pastor rod said that has really stuck with me. see, there have been so many times this year where the immense and persistent neediness of my neighbors here has stunned me into overwhelmed hopelessness. what can i do for you?! the problems are so deep, the solutions so complicated, the things we are up against run so deep. and then i remember that i can pray. and where i once would have said "i guess all i can do is pray," now i say, "i can pray and that will change things." i'm much less quick to jump in with persuasive arguments, activism, and hand-outs these days... instead, we take it to the prayer garage. and then we wait. then God opens up a door and His kingdom is subtly and unmistakably ushered into that place.

10) prayer is where we begin to know God. and this is all He wants. we were reading the other day about how samuel grew up ministering to the Lord in the temple under Eli the priest, which meant he probably knew a lot about God, and yet He didn't KNOW God until the word of the Lord was revealed to him (3:1,7, 19-21). the word for know there is the same as the word that tells us that adam knew eve - it implies intimacy and to know by experience and revelation. i want to know God. and it seems like in the place of prayer is where i have the best shot of getting glimpses of His heart. which makes sense, because it's only when we give time and attention that we get to know anyone at all.

and this is probably only the beginning. but it shall have to do for now.
i think i could spend my entire life practicing, engaging in, and learning prayer.

to miss him

2009-03-22T01:29:00.004-04:00

my love's voice is floating through these computer speakers in the form of songs he's recorded for me in his bedroom on his macbook. and the trinkets of delight and wisdom from our recently ended phone conversation are also here to keep me company.

i miss him.

i don't normally miss people, except in theory. i am usually present and content with whomever is nearby. this isn't to say that i don't get excited about seeing people i haven't seen in a long time and relish time with them when we are reunited.

but this... this is a missing with physicality, persistence, and depth.

to miss him is an aching beauty:
to find each experience, person, and sight would be richer if he were there with me,
to feel the yearning in my body that knows it is meant to be where he is,
to shiver with fear at the thought of something happening to him,
to know that all of this is part of God's good work in us.

(in just under three weeks, he will come for me. it will be time.)

here is the honest truth

2009-03-20T21:10:00.002-04:00

here is the honest truth (i'll be transparent): sometimes He breaks me. i've been shaken and i've been dancing again with ghosts of familiar spirits. there's been that oppressive cloud of condemnation, doubt, fear, and control threatening to smother me. indeed, i was held captive three days in isolation and despair. it took me three days to see clearly enough what i needed to do next: i've been having to stand on faith alone and by sheer will-power choose to believe my God. i've had to peel my fingers from their clinging grasp on some things and at the same time open my heart to receive those same things with full assurance. this brokenness, which led to surrender, humility, and boldness, is part of how He fathers me.

here is the honest truth (i'll be transparent): He is for me. He smiles at my tenacity like a proud papa. He doesn't keep me in despair and He has never ever ever failed to respond to my cry for help. He continues to deliver me, deeply and intimately. He loves it when i stand in agreement with Him and fight to take hold of Him. He loves that i wrestle with Him and don't let go until i've seen Him prove Himself good. He speaks to me and His voice is gentle, kind and seeping love. i am free and i am confidently possessing the land He's given me to inherit. He has made promises to me. He has said YES.

living in community (1st in a reflection series)

2009-03-07T17:45:00.006-05:00

[as my year of internship at the Stockbridge Boiler Room draws to a close (April 1), it seems good and fitting to me to take some time to reflect in this space on what i've gleaned from this season and to testify to the goodness of a Living God who has directed its course. so the next few entries will centered on this.]

a call of God on your heart can lead you to say yes to things you would never before have dreamed of saying yes to. i remember struggling a lot at the thought of what living in community would be like, even though i really wanted it. i was worried about many aspects of it which now seem insignificant (e.g., sharing a bathroom with several girls, having my dietary preferences affected, not having lovely hardwood floors).

but here's what i've gleaned...

1) community is not the goal, but the vehicle. the goal and destination is Jesus. a good, intentional, christian community will be about much much more than christian people living together to reduces costs. it will be family. it will be people getting into each other's business, spurring one another on to follow Jesus with holistic integrity. there have been times when i think i've been tempted to make community God because i'm so pleased with how lovely it has been to live here with these people. but communities where Jesus is not the center don't work this well, don't impart this much life, and are not really much different that the ill-fated hippie communes of the 70s. we are not hippies.

2) community doesn't work without prayer. i think the glue that holds this community together in all the comings and goings of interns and house guests is that there's this unending rhythm, born of commitment to incarnational presence, of daily prayer. twice a day in the garage out back you can bet there'll be all or some of this household bowed in prayer and raising our voices in worship. it's our anchor. it centers us. it lets us see one another's hearts before the Lord so that we know how better to support one another and so that we're not so quick to annoyance with one another. it's our indirect conflict resolution. it's where we clean up. it's where we go to receive healing through the laying on of hands and intercession. even when i leave, this house will keep on praying. and that is exactly as it ought to be.

3) community doesn't exist for its own pleasure, but to minister to Jesus and neighbors. we love one another well so that the world can see something of the love of Jesus in a breathing, three-dimensional presentation. we serve each other because that's how Jesus said we can serve Him and because it is worship. we create family and unity amongst ourselves so that we can invite in the stranger and the poor to take shelter in our shade, an anomaly in an otherwise chaotic and unkind world. we're blessed to be a blessing.

4) community requires dying. it's true that you can't just go trouncing off to any activity your heart so desires without there being a ripple effect on the whole household. we have to say no to some things we'd prefer to say yes to so that a girl isn't home alone with a demonized hobo or so that someone else isn't single-handedly cleaning up after dinner. we're in this together, which means that the needs of my community have some say in how i order my days. and this isn't unfair nor an impingement upon my individuality and self-direction; it is part of being the people of God, which was always more corporate than individual.

5) community is a smelting furnace. you can think that you are basically a good person who has her stuff pretty well in order until you live in close proximity with people who are not your blood relatives. then all the junk comes to surface. like when a disproportionate irritation at a poorly-loaded dishwasher brings to your attention a deep-seeded perfectionism and superiority. or when all sorts of ugly envy comes to the surface in the form of criticism and squelching of your housemates' pleasure or success. and you have a choice: you can stay with it, determined to be refined by it, to make it right with the other person and to invite Jesus into that space to set you free... or you can get sullen, pout, and reap the consequences (until someone calls you on the carpet about it). a smelting furnace is a good place to be.

6) community prepares me for wifehood and motherhood. this is mostly to do with item #4 above. ;) but also, there are practical pieces of learning to manage or co-manage a household in keeping kitchen inventory, delegating chores, preparing meals for groups of people, keeping the laundry machines going, tending to the yard, sharing a bathroom, and tending to emotional needs. (also, i've also seen how this community has raised up the guys among us into godly men of integrity with husband and father hearts).

7) community does well when meals are shared. it's another anchor point. and there's a powerful fellowship in eating the same things in the same place that i believe Jesus understood and practiced. friendships are built over shared food. and it teaches us to share our things. in this house, we take turns cooking dinner and on the nights that we cook, we are also funding the meal, which sometimes has stretched pocket books, but we do it anyway. these meals are also the entry point for friends and neighbors as we invite them in to share our joy have their bellies filled with good things.

8) community is nourished and informed by hospitality. (i'll make this a separate post).

9) community, done well, heals. the people i live with today are not the same people i lived with a year ago when i moved in. they have blossomed, they have become more free, they walk with more confidence and on more solid ground. they have been healed by love. in having the opportunity to experience family in a different way and to try out new ways of relating in the safety of healthy relationships, we have all been healed significantly.

10) community probably shouldn't be just a one-year internship. there's no turning back. i think most of us feel that way about this. once you've tasted it, you don't want to go back to living alone in an apartment with a passing-in-the-night roommate or to a single-family house in the sprawling burbs. we love the mess and something about his resonates with ancient, divinely-instilled impulse for corporate identity. when i leave here, i'm going to grow into and alongside another family of friends in Madison (and with my love, Tim). as far as i can see from here, this'll be my lifestyle indefinitely, even after marriage and babies (though I'm open to being otherwise directed by the all-knowing Spirit of God).

all of it matters

2009-03-05T23:30:00.004-05:00

Someday there'll be:
orphanages in africa and orphans at home
boiler rooms in scarred neighborhoods
shepherding simple churches in unexpected places
a home full of friends chasing Jesus together
foreign landscapes and audacious journeys
teaching and discipling spiritual sons and daughters
trusting wholly on God for all our provision

but in the Meantime there's be:
eggs and french presses in the morning
dish-washing and slow-dancing in the kitchen
naps on the cushy rug and walks after dinner
heart conversations deep into the night
gazes and embraces with gentle affection
practicalities of rhythms and nesting
going to jobs and paying off debt

and the latter is just as important, just as much kingdom work, as the former.
and we won't skip the Meantime because that's the foundation work for the Someday.

so i will sit in the Here-and-Now and hold the possibilities for the Someday with surrendered and hopeful expectation. for this season my eyes will be fixed on his and the spiritual work of pouring into him, nourishing him, learning him, keeping step with him... until God turns us outward and forward, united and clear-eyed, to drag His kingdom to earth around us.

and it'll be the ride of our lives. all of it.

love is a good reason to move

2009-02-28T21:37:00.000-05:00

there are many reasons to move. i think of all the reasons i've moved in the past. i've moved for fear. i've moved for guilt. i've moved for ambition. i've moved for escape.

what got me thinking about this is the decision tim and i recently made to live in the same city. this means i'm gonna be moving. and when folks look at me and ask, "What takes you to Madison?" i will answer truthfully, "Love."

and i see that if there was ever a good reason to move it is only this: love.

whether i move to another state or just move my hands in service and my priorities to prayer... in all of these things, i want to be someone who moves for love.

for the love of my Jesus and His scarred hands and broken heart. for love of His bride.

there's this connection between intimacy and mission, which the 24/7 prayer movement has beautifully embodied. see, when we settle down in the secret place and the divine embrace, learning to know the subtleties of His voice and seeing His gaze on us, then there's a fuel to move. we catch fire and we become people on a mission - to our families, to the corner store, to our universities, to all nations. we become people who move for and out of love.

yeah, love is a good reason to move. i want to be known as someone who moves for love.

Jesus, I trust you.

2009-02-24T17:11:00.003-05:00

We're praying into this theme during our 24-7 Prayer week right now. It's also one of the biggest themes of my last year with Jesus. The prayer, "Jesus, I trust you" has become a constant refrain, a giant reset button, in my life as I seek to take this call to discipleship seriously. And early on, I learned that it's Tim's primary prayer, too. It's a powerful prayer. Tonight at TOW I'm going to explore this idea of trusting Jesus with the girls, too. I'm convinced of it's necessity. I am convinced that it brings freedom.

I was just revisiting the book Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning and would like to share this excerpt with you here:

The stakes here are enormous, for I have not said in my heart, "God exists," until I have said, "I trust you"... Against insurmountable obstacles and without a clue as to the outcome, the trusting heart says, "Abba, I surrender my will and my life to you without any reservation and with boundless confidence, for you are my loving Father."

Though we often disregard our need for an unfaltering trust in the love of God, that need is the most urgent we have. It is the remedy for much of our sickness, melancholy, and self-hatred. The heart converted from mistrust to trust in the irreversible forgiveness of Jesus Christ is redeemed from the corrosive power of fear...

The decisive (or what I call the second) conversion from mistrust to trust -- a conversion that must be renewed daily -- is the moment of sovereign deliverance from the warehouse of worry. So life-changing is this ultimate act of confidence in the acceptance of Jesus Christ that it can properly be called the hour of salvation...

The grace-laden ac of trust is the landmark decision of life outside of which nothing has value and inside of which every relationship and achievement, every success and failure derives its final meaning. Unbounded trust in the merciful love of the redeeming God deals a mortal blow to skepticism, cynicism, self-condemnation, and despair. It is our decisive YES to Christ's command, "Trust in God and trust in me."

The basic premise of biblical trust is the conviction that God wants us to grow, to unfold, and to experience fullness of life. However, this kind of trust is acquired only gradually and most often through a series of crises and trials. Abraham models the essence of trust in the Hebrew and Christian scriptures: to be convinced of the reliability of God.

everybody is sick of love

2009-02-23T14:16:00.001-05:00

Except for the girl dancing slowly
Folded in the arms
Of her gentle boy
Her eyes closed in precious disbelief.

So I am watching the joy on her face,
You have never seen such pure peace and delight,
Because if you had,
Your eyes would have been closed too.

(Or maybe you have.)

But thanks to her,
This broken world was briefly mended
For one fleet night before it ended.

-Linford Detweiler, 2000

a disciple who will live that way

2009-02-23T08:47:00.007-05:00

in entering into this missional calling and lifestyle, i've spent a lot of time asking the question, "God, do you want me to work?" and the definition of work here has been this: (1) acting as an employee for an employer in the public marketplace (2) having a career, preferably in the field of your college education (3) having a 40-hour work week and (4) going to a place to work and then coming home again. i suspect this is what most people think of when they think of working.

but then jenn corrected me. "that's not quite the right question to ask," she said. "God WILL have you working. the question is 'what is the work You have for me to do, God?'" and then she explained that i have to be willing to hear and obey the answer, whether the answer is to get a job (in the traditional way described above) or to do something entirely different.

i don't own the responsibility for the outcome (pay check, provision, bills paid, material possessions increasing). i only own the responsibility for obedience.

no one can serve two masters (she will love the one and hate the other), and i want to serve Him. He says THEREFORE do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink. because maybe when we're worrying about how we're gonna pay the bills and get food on the table and get back-to-school clothes, something shifts in us and we're serving money again. we can't serve God and money. (see matthew 6:24-25). THEREFORE do not worry.

so i'm asking God what the work is that He has for me to do. i work for Him, after all. He's my boss and my daddy. so if He gives me the work to do, will He not also provide the wages?

He knows what i need before i ask. He clothes the lilies and feeds the birds and i'm worth more than they are to Him. when i seek His kingdom first, i'm choosing to serve Him, not money. i'm choosing to believe Him when He says all those other things will be added to me as well.

i want to be driven to see His kingdom come, not driven to keep my head above water financially. i want to make choices about employment and how i structure my days based on obedience to the nudges of the Holy Spirit, not based on financial planning.

because the foundation has been laid, and it is Jesus, and i want to build on it with indestructible materials, not perishable ones. so that when the fire comes to test it, it'll be found still standing (i cor 3:11-13).

it seems that i'm hearing from Him, more and more, that the work He has for me to do has a lot to do with prayer, and missional engagement with cities, and discipling younger women, and making home for people. and that is work.

the worker, He says, is worth her wages (luke 10:7). He didn't say i'd live in a spacious downtown loft and have a fridge full of gourmet food. He didn't even say i'd have a car or new clothes. maybe i'll eat a lot of beans and rice and have rent money available just 2 days before it's due. but he said not to worry. and i want to be a disciple who is willing to live that way.

so this is what's rattling around in my head lately. i asked Him to teach me about these things, because i sense that i need breakthrough in this area. it seems that He always answers prayers to be taught. the Holy Spirit is SO much better than any Christian Living or Self-Help book. always.

is this irresponsibility? or is this discipleship?

Brooke & Chelsea

2009-02-19T14:51:00.001-05:00

Brooke & Chelsea
Originally uploaded by sparrow photography

this woman
has become my friend
my co-worker
the one with whom i
battle for more freedom (our own and others)
sing around the house
share the bathroom
learn womanhood
so glad for what God has created in the space between us
this year

free-write thursday

2009-02-12T18:13:00.007-05:00

there are some days when i fail miserably at this business of being the royal priesthood that He has called me. and in the days following my offering to God of myself to be used however and with whomever He pleases, those are the days when i am short-tempered and irritable and everything inside me is screaming "get away from me because i can't stand you for another second" because they are drunk drunk drunk and talking like fools while we're trying to make sugar cookies in the kitchen or because they are pacing and wringing hands and generally following me around like puppy dogs needy for every ounce of attention they can squeeze out of me until my soul feels sucked dry. and they are compulsive liars who spin stories so severely distorted, contradictory and confusing that i want to grab them by the neck and say, "listen, i see through you, you are a fraud, would you cut the crap?" and then i shake my head and i think to myself, "i can't believe we used to live like this all the time."

but where is the attitude of christ in that? and what does that command to die to yourself and to lay down your life for the sake of the gospel play in? i fear i'm missing something here because inside i feel polluted and disgusting with the attitude i have until i'm forced to the emotional edge and i have to ask jenn if i can skip the love feast in order to go lay in bed a while and pray over myself, seizing in faith all the good things He's promised over me and all the fruit of the spirit that is more true about me than all the criticism, judgement, and irritation in me. and even though i walk away from such prayer sessions feeling often still low and oppressed, within hours or days he is always always faithful to answer, deliver, lift up.

how unworthy, how unworthy i am. and when mandolin tim was over yesterday morning and he was sharing his heart with me, which is repentance for him, he was talking about this prayer that they call the Jesus prayer, which simply says, "Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner." he was talking about praying it before he ever opens his mouth to speak or to act out of whatever goodness he thinks he may possess because we are always walking on holy ground and we are always that woman who agreed with Jesus when He said "the dogs don't get to eat the food from the table" and she was happy just to receive some crumbs, which He then gave. so while danny -- so anointed -- led us in worship i sunk into the lowliness that is a mercy-hungry state and i tried out the jesus prayer and things shifted in me again. namely, He became proper in perspective again. and there was all this singing about freedom -- my favorite song line "for it's only in Your will that I am free" -- which has always been to me about surrender. and would you believe me if i told you that at some point during worship i became conscious of a presence by my side, even though there were three empty seats between me and the next person, i could feel the presence like that of another body even though my eyes were closed. i thought to myself that i was worshiping alongside an angel and there i lay down my crown before the feet of that worthy and slain Lamb, singing holy holy holy along with the angel armies. and it was after that time of thick worship that grandma jan said, "i think we were worshiping with angels tonight" and i told her i think she's right.

you know that worshiping with my family here at the SBR is one of the sweetest pleasures i have ever known? it is. and there are other things, too, like the baking of cupcakes with chelsea in the kitchen and then delivering them to a few neighborhood houses just because. and there's the pleasure that i'm learning to lean into of seizing every opportunity to pray with others, boldy for healing and vision and whatever else is needed. you can't be afraid to ask, you can't be afraid of taking up too much room or annoying anyone. because people need people and where two or more are gathered jesus is there and the prayer of a righteous man really is powerful and effective. so if crystal comes to me and says, "i'm not sure if this is really anything, but i think i need to ask for prayer," that means we'll get it set up or do it on the spot and we'll hunker down and quiet ourselves before our Daddy to listen for His voice so that we can pray into His will and His heart for her and we trust that He will give her in that time exactly what is needed. period. because He makes zero mistakes and He is always good. it's time we start believing him.

i've been thinking about how i'd like to be salty. chelsea is salty to me. she can find you any scripture passage in about two seconds flat because she spends a lot of time surfing through the pages of her tattered, pen-marked Bible, and often she scribbles its verses down on index cards and other scraps of paper and carries them around with her everywhere. she can quote it all and apply it to any conversation; it just rolls right off her tongue like the most natural thing because she's hidden it in her heart. and i want to be like that. i want to have that word so near to me that i don't have to use the concordance in the back to find it and i don't have to grasp for my own words when i pray because the very words of God will be there instead.

there's this other thing that's got me thrilled, which is that tomorrow night, late, tim will be rolling into town and here he will remain until sometime monday, which is one of the sweetest things i can imagine. the anticipation of seeing his face and holding his hand and being held in his embrace is enough to put me in tears. because this man is like home home home to me, more and more all the time, and i sometimes stand in stunned disbelief that Papa loves me that much; that He loves me tim-sized. so i don't even know what we'll do and i don't particularly care, except that at one point we'll go to a family gathering to celebrate a new kitchen and let the family look tim over to be sure he is suitable (an examination he will undoubtedly pass).

in other news...

do you know that jamie and i threw a dinner party for the girls at The Other Way this week? they got a bit dressed up and we set a long table and made them an italian feast to eat. and they loved it. they loved it. they are princesses and they are learning to know God's heart in such a way that one day soon they will move through this world like women who always had a perfect and loving dad (which in the earthly realms they have not had at all), with all the grace, self-value, assurance, and stability that bestows. and they're in the school of prayer because they're practicing crying out to Him to show Himself to them. they're amazing.do you know that also this week the whole SBR crew headed down to U of M to join them in their 40 Days of Prayer event and to facilitate a conversation about prayer as lifestyle? and in that prayer room i prayer napped and also interceded for campuses and all of this is a foreshadowing of sorts because campuses and i are going be getting a lot more familiar in the upcoming year (which is a separate blog post for another day).

mostly this is about this: i am my Beloved's and He is mine.

and that's about all she wrote.
for now.

miracles in the inmost parts

2009-02-08T23:29:00.005-05:00

the most significant miracles you do in my life, God, occur in the depths, in the secret and hidden places where You have so rearranged me that i am brand new. You have re-laid my very foundations. and to a watching world, I may seem at first the same. it is not until we get down to the core, tracing the pathways of my life to its root causes, that the mark of Your Spirit on me can be seen. it is in the secret places that one might begin to see that all my lifestyle choices, my language, my laughter are authentic expressions of a new self, not just the striving to do/be some idealized self. it's my true nature; it is not posing. and that is the greatest miracle of all: that when i took You at your word, saying, "i believe you, God, when You say my life has been exchanged for Christ and I am an entirely new creation," then i let go of control and You undid me. i don't know how to bear testimony to this healing and redemption; it is often too deep, too subtle, too personal to portray to others. but i want to brag, God, about the miracle that You've made of my heart and mind. You knock my socks off.

the power to transform our motivation is one of the most exciting dimensions of the Christian experience and has always been one of the greatest, sparkling proofs of the gospel.
--Pete Greig, The Vision & The Vow, pg 150

also among those to whose inner life i am allowed close enough proximity, i see that You are working these miracles in their inmost parts as well. something breaks loose in her and her countenance changes. something clicks for him and his posture is new. with the precision of a master craftsman You prune and tweak and fill in and cover over, working from the core outward, with patience and dedication. because You don't just want us to conform to an image, You want us to become the likeness of that image. and i think that's really beautiful, and generous, and... miraculous.

you don't have to go this deep with us. but, as with the three hebrews thrown into a fiery furnace because they declared allegience to You, You also deliver us through it with not so much as a whiff of smoke clinging to their unburned clothing. You are not content for Your kids to be the walking wounded. this mercy astounds me.

The Order of the Mustard Seed

2009-02-06T22:05:00.000-05:00

there's this quiet, underground society, still thriving. it was established in 1740. it has always been composed of ordinary men and women in all spheres of life. they are scattered across continents. they will live and die for Jesus' name.

and tonight about 20 of them were in our living room.

these are friends who decided that they wanted to make vows to God in the company of one another to devote themselves to three simple rules of life:

1) be true to Christ
2) be kind to others
3) take the gospel to the nations

it's sorta like marrying Jesus.

we shared a meal (oh the warmth and coziness in the house tonight!) and then sat down together in a circle in the living room to hear tell of how the three-fold vow has impacted the lives of those who are in The Order.

it's a great group of people and the kingdom of God is manifesting in such lovely and unexpected ways in each pairing of people (e.g., pub church, CPx, home-making, prayer room planting, crossing guard ministry, adoption, bearing witness in the secular workplace).

but what they all attest to is this: that from the day they took that vow the intentions of their heart have been reoriented. they are now pointed in a different direction. as their rings say, "None of us lives for himself." as they have asked themselves these three questions each day and striven to be faithful to them, their lives are taking on new form.

so there's a group of us reading The Vision & The Vow by Pete Greig, the book which fleshes out more fully the values and implications of this vow. and very likely a bunch of us will be initiated into The Order very shortly by joining with this underground society in taking the vow.

my heart and life resonate with the substance of this vow, this order. and i know that i want in. it's just a matter of when and with whom to take the vow.

this morning at bedside baptist church

2009-02-01T12:26:00.005-05:00

there are days for staying in bed until noon. maybe we can call it - if it occurs on a sunday morning - attending bedside baptist church. though i actually mean it; i did have church right here in my bed.

first, we (and by "we" i mean God and I) studied and reflected on ephesians 4, romans 12, and 1 cor 12-14 and the subject of spiritual gifts and the five-fold office of the church. here's a little bit of what we were learning...

according to 1 Cor 12:27-30, in the church, there are:

FIRST OF ALL apostles - those who make initial contact with newbies who have not yet heard the name of Christ; who establish initial churches (simple gatherings of people in the name of Jesus)
SECONDLY, prophets -- those who speak the heart of God over the new church to strengthen it and encourage it for what lies ahead
THIRD, teachers -- those who deepen the believers in their knowledge of the gospel and the nature of God
THEN workers of miracles and those having gifts of healing -- those who demonstrate the power of the gospel in individual lives and set people free from bondage
THEN all the other gifts to fill in the gaps -- discernment, administration, helping, tongues, service, wisdom, knowledge, faith, encouragement

also this morning at bedside baptist church, we read several chapters in a book about courtship. i laughed when i read this sentence: "a direct correlation exists between emotionally unhealthy singles and singles who resist courtship, embracing and defending dating instead." i laughed because this was me. the very fact that i am reading a book about courtship with only minimal smirking and a posture of teachable-ness is a marker of my emotional healing. i would have scorned such a book a few years ago. it's not that tim and i have even been using the word Courtship to talk about what we're doing, but as i was reading the principles of this book today, I can see that we are living out what the author is prescribing (well, except for the recommendations about precisely how many hours we can spend alone together per phase and whether or not we're allowed to hug).

i remember back to a time about a year and a half ago when i was mired in a pile of relationship books and articles trying to figure out why my relationship was so hopelessly stuck and i so unceasingly restless within it; hoping that if i worked hard enough i could figure out how to make my relationship work and thereby avoid pain. and into that swirl of confusion and fear, God whispered, "brooke, do you want to trust your books or do you want to trust me?" and i said, "i choose you, God." since then the holy spirit has been my teacher in all things, but especially in the school of relationships/intimacy, starting with teaching me how to be a wife of Jesus. it's ironic to see how He's schooled me according to the principles i'm now reading in this book. i guess that just bears testimony to the presence of the holy spirit in it.

girlfriends who are still single or struggling in their relationships have been lately asking me, in regards to tim, if it has been worth waiting for. to this i respond, wholeheartedly, "YES!" but then i add, "my only regret is that i didn't wait more gracefully. i wish i hadn't created so many ishmaels along the way."

we also spent some time in bedside baptist church this morning journaling about some dreams in my heart and putting them before God. these are four roles i would like to have characterize me, and which i would like to further develop:
1) making home
2) spiritual direction (including hearing the voice of God)
3) inner healing prayer
4) narrative photography
i was telling tim last night on the phone that i would like to seek further training/education in these areas through some really specific means. and he said, "but brooke, whether you get all that training or not, you already ARE those things. you're already walking in it." oh. i guess it's good to have people like tim around to point those things out to me before i lay down hundreds of dollars in a quest to somehow become more legitimate. IF i seek further training in these things, it should be out a heart that just wants to be refined and supported, rather than made into something it previously wasn't.

lastly, we laid out our requests before God in the area of finances. this included, but is not limited to: desire to see my substantial student loan debt eliminated, fear of returning to the work place and losing my soul in the process, a latent and perhaps unreasonable desire to be completely provided for, nervousness about the costs of moving and paying rent again, taking the plunge of audacious tithing even when i feel like i can't afford it, etc. i wrote them all down because i know God will show Himself faithful in all of these areas and if i record them, i can testify later to how He answers.

and then, we got up and had breakfast. two over-easy eggs with buttered "rye-free rye" bread, half a green apple with sunflower seed butter, a small glass of superfood green juice, and a couple cups of french press ethiopian coffee with vanilla soy creamer. mmmmmmm.

now, we will go take a shower and put on day clothes.

happy sabbath.

worshipping in between times

2009-01-29T08:46:00.002-05:00

it's important to worship with other people, people that we know well, whose stories we have heard and whose hands we have held as they've walked and sometimes stumbled in the path of Jesus. it's important because these people can usher us in the presence of God, and into worship, deeply. at times in my life when things are on a plateau or even seem to be headed downwards, i can look around the room filled with my friends, and i can remember God's faithfulness to them, how He has healed and delivered and answered them, and that gives me something to say thanks for. that picks me up out of my small mind and plops me down in front of the throne of a God who can do (and does do and is doing) all manner of miraculous things in and through his kids. i think it's wise to worship with the ones you do life with.

for the last year i've been doing life with the people of the stockbridge boiler room. not just the folks who live here, but also the homeless friends who frequent our spaces, the neighbors, and the friends from church and the wider community who have locked arms with us in prayer and meals and fellowship. lots of those folks were together last night for Love Feast and for the party marking the end of Chip's internship season.

i've noticed that when you know a change is coming, you begin to see your current situation/environment with fresh eyes. that's why i've been wanting to take photographs of ordinary objects in my life here lately. because part of me knows that i won't be here much longer. and, oddly, after tim was here and i got to see my life/community through his eyes and hear his feedback on it, i suddenly have this fresh surge of affection for it all. i'm seeing it again. and it's so beautiful.

these people i've been doing life with are so beautiful. they are integral to my worship, partners in my walk, shepherds of my intimacy with Jesus.

i'm being released, in small increments, from my covenanted season with the stockbridge boiler room, at about the same pace as a corresponding divine knitting is happening between my heart and tim's. i'm being released from and released to. i'm being drawn and being sent. and a lot of this has to do with what and who i'll call Home.

it's that liminal space. again.

i want to do this well. i want to be fully present here in this life-giving family and its missional work until the last moment. i also want to fall wholly and trustingly into the embrace of this amazing man God is leading me home to. and because doing both of those things at once is difficult, if not impossible, there's frustration and discomfort a lot of the time.

i'm messy in this sometimes, which i dislike enormously. i was messy in it yesterday, when i sat crying on the couch to jenn over a cup of tea because i'm not sure i'm doing a very good job inhabiting this space. i'm like a small girl crumpled down in the threshold of the door way between two equally inviting rooms, sobbing into her knees, desiring but unable to take up a more comfortable position on the couches in either room.

for now.

luckily, liminal space is, by its very definition, transitional.

meantime, i'm learning how to carry a grief and a joy simultaneously. maybe this is worship, too.

a few photographic treats

2009-01-26T21:22:00.006-05:00

1. me and tim had five blissful days together in madison this week. when it comes to our relationship, we just keep uncovering more layers of YES. i could brag him up here in the public sphere, because there is MUCH to brag about, but maybe you should just ask me what's so great about him next time you see me. ;) for now, suffice it to say that i am one very lucky girl to have snagged this one!

2. i found a couple old rolls of film in my desk drawer and took them in to get developed. they were from last summer. this one is of my little buddy luke at his house by the pond. i think it's wonderful to see such a summer-infused image in the middle of our michigan deep freeze.

3. our friend kiersty creates beautiful art with water colors and acryllics. they're magical. she's just starting to look into creating cards to be sold in local art shops in madison and etsy.com. i'm so proud of her.

intercession, sky bedrooms, and first sight

2009-01-15T12:40:00.010-05:00

1

i have some fear in this, God, and so much uncertainty about what will be. so I surrender my impulse to create and grasp onto certainty before you give it. i only want to step out on what is certain from YOU (no lifeless wood, stone, or ideologies; only You, the Living One). often lift my eyes from the particulars of circumstances and the worries therein; move my eyes to Your face (beauty, kindness, strength, love), which is unseen but eternal (most true of all). i know that i only ever see correctly in your presence. i let go of my management attempts and i take your hand, Jesus, to walk with You. i give up my urgent time table and i submit to Your leadership. You hold and sustain me by the word of your mouth. today, God, will you give to me a thickness of your presence and a deeply intimate fellowship with You? let there be nothing on my wish list except wanting You. remind me of my foundations. amen.

2

chelsea's room is like a little sky of her own,
walls or a cooling, open blue and a fluff of cloud for a bed
(plus a zebra that shares her bed)
and she descends from it's clouds
pulls out tubes from which vibrant colors come
spreads them around on a board on an easel
and what emerges is undeniably art

3

intercession
so i'm already paid to pray, in a sense
how am i using that time?
what if i took that seriously and
wasted less time praying about my precious little life
and wasted more of my life wrestling with God on behalf of
neighbors gathered at Love Feasts
my girls at The Other Way
our territory (4th - 7th, Alpine to Davis)
the Boiler Room and each member therein
the families targeted on our Muffin Mission
women in my Daniel study
the nations He's putting in my heart
my family and other friends
i wonder what would happen to my world
i wonder what would happen to me
so i say God you can go right ahead and
wake me up (literally, in the night, also spiritually)
and put your Spirit in me to pray pray pray
just your words flowing through these lips that
really don't know the first thing about how to pray this way
so teach me how to be an intercessor
i don't want to read a million books,
i want you to show me how to do this thing
and i want it with my SBR family
i want to see us on our knees together
intentionally
interceding
because this is work you've given us to do
and i hope we'll be found faithful

4

these are the things you confess to one another after you've started to call a thing what it is:

we liked one another almost instantly as it turns out: from that first kitchen moment in Grand Rapids, solidified by moments on cushy rugs and another kitchen in Madison. we were telling confidants within days that we were smitten with the other, while all the while remaining rather surprised at ourselves, and keeping a poker face with one another.

it's wonderful when good starts turn into something even better, when gut instincts line up with the actuality of a thing. when you just keep liking someone more all the time.

He (Tim)

2009-01-10T18:14:00.012-05:00

This one swept me off my feet,

blew me away
bowled me over

WE LIKE EACH OTHER! WE ARE HAVING SO MUCH FUN!
(can you see it in my face just how much i like him? i'm unabashedly nutty about him)
We are choosing to actively participate with God in this really cool thing He's doing between us.

the stories of three men

2009-01-08T21:43:00.005-05:00

so mark came to the door today and,
as he put it,
he was sorta wrecked

over and over he kept saying
i can't i can't i can't
turn my life around
i'm a hardcore drunk
and i don't care if i die tonight

he said, what's a girl like you
doing in a neighborhood like this?
don't you know that you can't change a thing?
don't you know that you could be -
and deserve to be -
anywhere but here?
the west side, he said,
the west side isn't good

yes, i said, but
there is joy
and i'm happier than
i've ever been
and the difference is
obedience
and why wouldn't i
choose His way?
i said

you're sincere
you're a sweet heart
you're a good girl
he said

he says most people don't
take the time to ask the questions
to care about the plight of
folks like him
but yet here you are
and this seemed to amaze him

so then he came to church
in the prayer garage
with me, tony, michael, chip, kristen, & lily
and it was probably the first time
that man has set foot in a church
so he didn't know the script
and besides that he was drunk
but he stayed through the worship
and part of the discussion on luke 12
when we got to the part about
"fear him who after the killing of the body
can throw you into hell"
he said
we can stop reading right there
i'm going to hell
i'm going south

when we sang he said,
that's almost enough to
make me turn my life around

but for tonight he walked out
as yet unchanged but
he said after he's
gotten drunk and high again tonight
he'll wake up tomorrow thinking about
these conversations we had
and he will think on it

for tonight that will have to be
enough

-----

also today when i stopped by the new laundry/computer ministry called Matthew's House a couple blocks from here, i heard the story of a thieving, cheating, adulterous, alcoholic man who is celebrating his 9th birthday as a child of God. he was born on the day that a gentle breeze passed through his house and enveloped him in a blanket of peace, after a month of sitting glued to the word weeping and crying out to God, which he was doing in the first place because the holy spirit had a word for him through the mouth of an unsuspecting pastor at a church he went to only because he felt too ashamed not to. so i guess Jesus had his number. he was rescued. he is new. i needed to hear that story today.

-----
and also today chip started school. at age 40 he is a freshman at kuyper college, where he will be taking new testament survey, among other things, and is headed toward a degree in social work. we are so proud. of chip and jesus, both.(i should probably mention that i made him put on the backpack, carry the lunch pail, and take a First Day of School picture)

speechless

2009-01-08T11:48:00.003-05:00

i don't know how to write about love
without sounding absurdly cliche
so i won't even try

He directs hearts

2009-01-06T22:02:00.004-05:00

do you know that
God can rearrange a person's insides
in one fell swoop
over the course of one night
unsought-after and unbidden
but in response to intercession
or sometimes just because He sees fit

and He holds
the hearts of kings
in His hands (prov 21:1)
to direct it as He pleases
and if kings then
also fathers
and lovers

and i have seen Him do this
even just this week
i have seen him break a father
to the point of burning idols
i have seen him bolster a lover
to the point of audacious risk

when the Lord directs
the course of a man's heart
(and he submits)
the daughters and beloveds of that man
are ushered into freedom
there is joy and peace in their wake

only the Spirit of God can do a thing like this
He alone is God and beside Him there is
none other (Isaiah 45:6)

to be named

2009-01-05T14:08:00.004-05:00

we're deep into the genesis story in our God Story sessions. this idea of naming a thing keeps coming up. in scripture there are no random names, no names chosen merely because they sound cool rolling off the tongue or possess some lyrical desirability, but names are chosen because they mean something. names in the old testament are telling a story about a people finding their faith. which is why it seems to matter to God that people are named in alignment with what he's called them out to be in his plot line. like abram/abraham whose name got expanded, both phonetically and conceptually, from an Important Dad to a Father of Multitudes.

it's funny that this topic came up in our conversation today because it was only yesterday that we were all laughing our way through a game that involves allowing yourself to be renamed by your friends. we were creative, sometimes way out there, in choosing these names for one another. and we ourselves had no say in the naming. we don't get to make names for ourselves.

my name was determined to be Brita Mose Stone, with Mose being short for Mosaic. and perhaps it was chosen mostly because it sounded cool and, on some gut level, seemed to "fit" me, but as tim (now linus lincoln grahm) pointed out, it implies a few things:
1) brita is a water filtration system, so there's the idea of purity and purification
2) mosaic is a multi-faceted art, celebrating my eclecticism
3) stone is something sturdy and still
he thinks all of this fits quite nicely, is a name that one could carry with some pride.

about a year ago i was given another name by two friends. it came out of game in which we decided to create native american names for one another. and they settled on Rising Tigress for me. that's a powerful name and i was uncomfortable with it for it didn't seem to fit. i think this is a name i'm growing into. but i love the strength, sleekness, and femininity of a tigress coupled with the possibility and promise of arising. and i would be okay with having that become an apt description for who i am.

my given, legal name Brooke is of English origin and refers to a body of water (steam). just today when i looked it up on another source, it says that it literally means "one who lives by the stream." Nicole is a feminine form of nicholas, which means "victory of the people." and so just now it is hitting me that my name is actually really significant in meaning!
- he lead beside quiet waters (psalm 23:2)
- victory rests with the Lord (proverbs 21:31)
- in repentance and rest is salvation (isaiah 30:15)
perhaps the meaning in my name that my parents didn't even consider is this: "one who by resting beside the stream participates in the victory of God's people." this link between rest and victory (which we might call surrender and trust) is exactly what the Lord has been teaching me to be defined by.

thank you for naming me, God. my name(s), some known and some yet to be made known, are engraved on the palms of your hands. you do not forget me.

kristin's wedding

2009-01-03T22:55:00.003-05:00

my friend kristin got married today.
back in high school she and i were part of the same group of friends who every year would take a picture together by the 15 Minute Parking Sign outside our school. it's so great to look back at those photos, how we changed from year to year. so today, her wedding day, we took another shot together.
there we all are: Brooke the photographer, Aryn the impromptu personal assistant, Kristin the bride, and Shannon the matron of honor.

i'll be putting more photos of her special day on my photography blog and flickr site within the week.

a certain lightness

2008-12-29T18:02:00.005-05:00

there's a certain lightness in me these days
maybe its something to do with love
in all the shapes its taking
and all the ways it is coming out to play

in the fingering of generational fabrics in cedar chests
and the laughter of family over the dinner table
in the 12-hour nights asleep in my childhood bedroom
and the removal of gunk-covered glasses so i can see at face value
in the incongruity of meyer lemons grown in a house on the west side
and the coziness of gathering around the wood stove with adoptive family
in the swelling sounds of folk music mixes filling my bedroom
and the savoring of the cadence of his voice across the phone lines
in the permission to be messy and scattered incompleteness
and the grace of godly people to embrace me when i've been hurt
in the spaces of hope, dreams, and joy widening inside me

yes, there's a certain lightness
and this is the laughing dancing time (Ecc 3:4)

Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:16-17)

Christmas with my SBR family

2008-12-24T12:23:00.001-05:00

laying in bed with friends

2008-12-22T10:54:00.005-05:00

i don't know what it is about me and laying in bed with friends, but it seems to be something i like to do in increasing measure.

to me, it marks sisterhood to be cuddled under blankets, near together, sharing secret places of the heart and talking talking talking, stroking hair and holding hands. and this sort of nearness of bodies and spirits seems exactly like the sort of thing female human beings should do. how we are comforted in these moments, how we come to rest, how we are no longer alone with ourselves.

so i think of spending the night in a bed and breakfast bed with jane and her sister the night before her wedding last summer. and the weightiness of those last moments of singleness with her, as she talked about lars and recalled what it is in him that resonates in her and we joyfully reflected on the goodness of the marriage that would take place the next day. until our eyelids were heavy and we drifted into a deep and unstirring sleep, three little pigs all in a row.

and i think of the times that my married friends have invited me to stay with them for a night when their husbands have been out of town, and we sleep in the same bed because they've become used to sharing by now and they don't like that giant empty space. and for those moments, we can remember back to high school sleepover parties, only now the "boy talk" has matured and is about marriage and sex and big adult decisions, while on the inside we are still in some ways those giggly girls of years gone by.

and i think of the times, when visiting my childhood home in Grand Ledge, i have climbed into bed with my mom and how one never really gets too old to find comfort in that maternal presence as one falls into sleep. it reminds me of the times she would come to me in my own small bed when i was crying, and she would lay beside me and rub my back and comfort me until sleep mercifully came.

and i think of the times when the girls in this house have all piled into my bed (or sometimes chelsea's) together because one of us has a heart that needs some spilling, or because we are just needing the nearness of one another. and there's something about getting into that soft, comforting, close space that brings us more quickly to emotional vulnerability, that communicates that we are in this thing together. we are sisters.

and i think of just last night when W came by and there was girl-talk to be had, so like conspiring sisters we got under the down covers of my bed, and laying there face to face we told our joyful secrets, bisected with laughter, marveled at the dreams of God, and then sent one another off with prayers and hugs.

i'm thankful that God made us this way as women.

my two nines

2008-12-19T16:34:00.003-05:00

to you my hands are open. i love what God does.

goodbye sweet friend of mine. i will miss you so.

are and will be

2008-12-19T16:18:00.006-05:00

the other day in the car on the way to the the thai restaurant, our pilgrim friend holly from traverse city read aloud from isaiah 54:10 about God's promise that His love is less shakeable than mountains and his covenant of peace is no sooner removed than the largest hills. and then i thought about what that means. to me it means that when it comes to us and God, we are two nations who will not [ever] go to war. you can bank on it.

then at toast the other night i had 1 john 3:2 on my mind:
(1) we are children of God
(2) what we will be has not yet been made known

i love God for being a God who holds the tension of both of these things being true at once: the surety of what already is (beloved children in a covenant of peace) and what has yet to be revealed (what'll we look like once all this grime has been sloughed off?). i love him for this paradox.

and i want to live out of that position of security and hope.

order my joy rightly

2008-12-18T17:40:00.001-05:00

can this joy
(rising up in my fluttering belly
a glee glowing on shining upturned face)
also be Your divine joy?
are You to be found here, YHWH
in this fleshly human happy thing?
merge this temporal joy into Your eternal joy
this gift of ordinary emotion with the sacredness of sacrament
let it be part of the tapestry of my Love Story with Jesus
so that in loving him, I am loving Him
in receiving him, I am receiving Him
in touching him, I am touching Him
order my joy rightly, God

this day traversing

2008-12-16T21:56:00.004-05:00

maybe it comes from having people praying
unceasingly in the garage in your back yard
this shalom that wraps itself around the house
like a thick blanket on a cold winter day
(of course, the cold winter day is not merely metaphor, but actuality)
most of today i sat on that one chair
the stuttery-rocker one from ikea
with my blanket over my legs and
my bible books journal pen in my lap
and i was sunk-down and present and tender
and for moments of this sitting time
there were others there
(at one point all five of the housemates; rare)
and other times people passing through
to and from their prayer slots out back
and there was luis here and for him i had
a word from thomas merton about hermits
which led to some repentance (who would have thought?)
chip and i went out for thai and dove into
one of those gloriously healing brother-sister
conversations that he and i sometimes have
that remind me of how ironic God is by
who He puts in our paths to heal us
then jenn came by with her lovely journal
and from it she read some words that
God had given to her that morning for me
and which were perfect in love
and today i felt alive strong free clear
(like horses and the color green)
chelsea and michael and i had ginger-lemon-honey tea
in tiny mugs with the gluten-free cookies
michael baked because i guess he loves me
before we went into the garage at 8 pm where
i was seeing visions fresh of where i'm positioned
in relation to jesus and to others so that it set things straight in me
and then one friend brought a long-held secret
out into the light and she humbled herself and asked for help
and i know that she will be healed
so now i'm going to sleep with
a peace in my spirit that has deepened as the day's gone by
and i say thank you, Jesus, you're my Love

some things on my overactive mind

2008-12-14T14:15:00.000-05:00

i think that it is a great idea to have discipleship group in bed, as sarah jayne, chelsea and i did this week (see above). nothing sweeter than a couple hours cuddling and sharing hearts in the middle of the afternoon.

for me, being playful with others is an act of vulnerability. it is easier for me to let you see me serious and smart and soulful, than playful.

i wonder about having the word joy tattooed behind my right ear. because to me that word sums up a great deal of what repentance has looked like as i cooperate with God in my personal transformation.

today, for the first time in a long time, i wanted to read poetry. i gorged myself on e. e. cummings and rainer maria rilke mostly. it was good for my soul, though i had to remain vigilant about the longings and melancholy poetry often evokes in me.

people are really generous. yesterday when i came home, i was greeted by two people who were donating things (1) 10 boxes full of brand new hats, blankets, jackets, etc. and (2) leftover goulash and a commitment to hosting one Love Feast per month!

been thinking a lot lately about the prophetic voice and its appropriate exercise. thinking about it alongside pastoral hearts. there are people i know who are more strongly prophetic and others more strongly pastoral and i think that we need both, deeply. sometimes they don't do real well at appreciating one another, however. but i think we're supposed to be each other's checks and balances and to trust that what God's putting in the hearts of his pastors is just as weighty as what he's putting in the hearts of his prophets. i saw this lived out well the other night at our tri-community prayer meeting with the bridge street house, the gold ave house, and the boiler room. ryan is prophetic, tony is pastoral, and i saw them honoring one another in their giftedness, allowing themselves to be influenced by one another. balancing.

jenn said, "brooke, you are someone who throws around the word 'thrice' without even blinking. seriously!" this using of extravagant words is what i get teased for a lot around here.

chelsea said that she sees my relationship with tony like we're sitting down in a library drinking expensive beverages and saying "shit." she said its the combination of intellectualism and crassness that we both exhibit. very funny!

the Big Lake is not enough to prevent warmth and connection from growing between two people. and now this one is one of my favorite ones, a greenhouse, and a kindred spirit.

"kingdom-building is sexy." is what it said on the t-shirt i made. it's an inside joke and we are not entirely sure how to briefly explain it, particularly to people outside our particular subculture. but trust you me, it sure cracks us up!

we moved morning prayer to 7 am for the winter months because this is what bodies do when they are in step with the seasons: they are earlier to bed and later to rise.

i deleted my facbook account this week in a moment of clarity and conviction. this small obedience of behavioral change i hope will set into motion a whole sequence of sin-revealing and freedom-bestowing work in me. the end goal: throw off what hinders and come out on the other side with MORE of Him.

there is a friend whom i really miss. but the trail between us is overgrown with so much brush and thistle that i can't see the way through at present.

i realized today that i've been practicing submission and not minding it a bit! also, i get it now. i get what it means and i see what it looks like in practice. it feels surprisingly freeing, and very loving.

the men in this house have been loving me so well and by that love i am being healed. thank you chip, danny, michael, and tony. i love yous!

a pretty something

2008-12-13T15:00:00.003-05:00

i got this note today from someone i love and to me it was very beautiful. because it touched me, i've reproduced it here, with names changed so you will not guess from whence it came.

our dear family friend, sam sorensen died today. he battled brain cancer and believed he would be healed by our savior, christ. dan talks about feeling numb while he eats, drinks, sleeps, and breathes in iraq. i keep hearing the word rejoice. there is abundant hope and love in christ.

i feel heavy... i feel joy

and if you could see the beautiful piece art on the back of which this message was written, you would love it even more.

holding

2008-12-13T11:26:00.003-05:00

how we hold these words in our throats
tender and most deep of all the deeply true
but there is for everything a time
a time to speak and a time to remain quiet
while in the span of the unspeaking time
we enter a thickening of knowing as
a weightiness develops in the secret place
outside there is a ripening of time in
a fragile greenhouse of relationship
so we hold these words there,
roll them around on our tongues a bit
and wait for their release
into the space between us
so when they are at last freed
(and mark my words, they shall be)
they are sweet like honey on the lips
for having been so long inside us

the migratory patterns of dishes

2008-12-09T18:45:00.004-05:00

'round here there's dishes from downstairs showing up upstairs, and dishes from across the alley at Jenn and Tony's house appearing on the shelves downstairs, and dishes from Love Feast hosts getting mixed in with our own, and dishes from the upstairs found around the prayer garage.

and i got to thinking today about what a cool thing this is, even if it means that there's not a complete, matching set of dishes in any of the three kitchens in our community.

follow this favorite mug of mine, for instance. i think its original home was upstairs in the girls' apartment, but often, because i like to drink from it so much, i'll take it downstairs with me in the morning and fill it with coffee from the fresh French press, then it'll stay downstairs a while, by my side as i read the bible on the couch. or maybe danmike will bring it to me in the prayer garage at 6 am prayer so that i won't fall asleep. there are also these small little teacup plates that chelsea likes to eat her apple slices and peanut butter on because she likes baby-size things. even though those little plates technically belong downstairs, they can be found stacking up beside the sink upstairs because she wanders up there with it to spend some time alone with jesus in her room. and in the tupperware cabinet there is mis-matched tupperware from the homes of many people across the city who have at some point or another brought us food for love feasts or just because and so now there's no telling which tupperware belongs where and no one really cares. and jenn has these smallish mugs from her house -- the ones we have our coffee in at intern breakfast on fridays -- and when she comes across the alley to disciple us, she'll carry one with her and sometimes she'll leave it. occasionally she'll send max or tony across the alley to borrow a cup of something or another (coffee beans, butter) and so he'll take it back home in one of our little plastic bowls, which may or may not ever return.

so the reason the migratory patterns of these dishes warms my heart is because in following them, you can start to piece together the pathways between houses and hearts that are part of living in a sharing community.

2008-12-06T19:46:00.002-05:00

i don't want to be impressive or interesting
i want to be lovable

here

2008-12-04T23:13:00.006-05:00

this day the snow has been falling silent and feathery
and my soles slip over the slippery-ed cement
as i briskly walk with pinked cheeks down these city sidewalks
past decrepit houses (condemned, land-contract, burned)
i am wondering at this experience of
knowing a thing deep in my bones
and how it was about this time last year that
i knew that sort of knowing for the first time
and how that knowing is what landed me here
in this unkempt and drama-ridden city-scape
where there has been more joy than i've ever known
so that now i'm a believer in deep-in-the-bones knowing
the bones don't lie and they don't often speak
so when the bones say they know, heed it, my soul
there is yes and there is hallelujah
here

Breath

2008-12-04T14:28:00.002-05:00

Breath from Phillip Palacios on Vimeo.v

a little film about prayer, as it surrounds the Stockbridge Boiler Room.

mad in the kitchen

2008-12-01T14:33:00.003-05:00

she says that i am a warm and comfy place for people,
especially when i'm mad in the kitchen (this happens sometimes).
she says she likes me best when i'm at my worst,
because then there is nothing missing.

it feels freeing to be loved, enjoyed even, in my rough places

open up those receivers!

2008-12-01T14:12:00.005-05:00

seems like God you are
trying to teach me a thing or two about receiving -
how to do that thing gracefully and
how to be comfortable expecting to receive from you
because your heart for me is like
the dad who runs from the front porch to meet me
like the shepherd who leaves the 99 to seek out the lost one (me)

so the other day when my bank account was on empty
and the credit card reader at the gas station rejected it
which meant i couldn't get the oil for my gas-burning engine
before my road trip to detroit...
then He put this woman there (her name was jamie)
and she held out a $5 bill and she said she could get me one of 'em
and you know what i did?
i said "no, that's okay, thank you"
(because i knew i had a check in my wallet waiting to be deposited)
and you know what she said?
she said, "for future reference, you should never
turn down a blessing when it's offered."
she explained that we have to be able to receive if
we're gonna learn to be givers at all
she was so correct, and she was a messenger (did she know?)
and as she embraced me and said "be blessed,"
i knew my daddy had been at work
just driving home the point
again

so then jenn gives me this as a parable
for a situation in my life at present:
it's a story about a girl who wanted a car
and she'd been shopping with her dad for one
the one she really really wanted was
far too expensive and far too wonderful (convertible!)
so that she didn't even dare come right out and ask for it
(though probably he could see it her eyes)
but then her dad called her the next day and said
"meet me at 5 in the parking lot,
i've got a surprise for you."
she simply couldn't believe it would be THAT car,
so she assumed it'd be the crappy old taurus,
which she knew she couldn't get adequately excited about
and her dad would be disappointed because
he thought he was doing her a favor
so she worked herself into a frenzy over this,
at the heart of it the disbelieving
that THE car was possibly the one she'd find
in the parking lot, with her dad, at 5 o'clock
so she called him up and tried to warn him that
she might not be as excited as he was hoping
(she wanted to let him down easy)
and he was offended because didn't she trust him?
you better believe that when she got to
the parking lot at 5 o'clock
that gorgeous, too-much car was there
and her daddy was beaming
and she was thrilled, but slightly ashamed
because she hadn't believed him for it

God, i want to believe you for
the convertible
that you would really do that
extravagant as it may be
and i won't protest if when
i show up in the parking lot at 5
there it is

Living Water

2008-11-27T10:57:00.001-05:00

to you, daddy, on thanksgiving

2008-11-27T10:09:00.005-05:00

dear daddy,

on this thanksgiving day i just want to tell you that i am bowled over with gratitude for the abundant place you have brought me into since last thanksgiving. when i stop and really notice it, i see that i am floating in a stream of unceasing grace, needing never to work at swimming, but only to relax into what you are doing in my life.

you have brought me out of the pit, Papa, and put my feet on solid ground. you have anointed this previously melancholic woman with joy and restored my childlike faith and my playfulness. you have uncomplicated me. i run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free (psalm 119:32).

you have filled me with dreams that are so delicious and life-giving; dreams that i never would have seen coming, but which are absolutely perfect for me.

you have given me to this spiritual family at the boiler room where i am being healed and loved and taught up in the way that i should go. i want you to know that i do realize just how amazingly special and unique this is and i know i've done nothing at all to deserve this life, these friends, this work.

Jesus, you have called me to follow you, wholeheartedly, from this day forward. you have married my heart and shown me how you are my husband and i your wife. my soul has been deeply satisfied by knowing your love in this way.

whenever you have gently peeled my fingers from their grip on career, paycheck, nights out on the town, dating, small luxuries, and personal space... the benefits have always obviously outweighed any costs. you have never left me hanging and everywhere that you have called me to take another leap of faith you have provided abundantly for me in that place. you have filled in the empty spaces with more of yourself.

so i know now that you are absolutely trustworthy and you love me so heartily that on those precious occasions when i am actually able to feel that love, it takes my breath away.

Holy Spirit, you have been my teacher in the most literal sense and your wisdom is the joy of my heart and the most reliable guide i have ever known. you have begun to entrust me with spiritual gifts of discernment and knowledge so that i can partner with you in your purposes of ushering others more deeply into your presence and Kingdom. you have allowed me to see miracles of exorcisms and healings, people set free from what bound them and others provided for in supernatural ways. you have expanded my territory for your name's sake.

i have heard you speak and clung tenaciously to those words and images from you, eagerly awaiting their fulfillment in faith. i believe you, God.

you have gently convicted me of sin and met me there to bring about repentance and healing, both. and in this process of purification, you have made me more in tune with your still, small voice so that my fellowship with you is restored.

i want for no good thing.

and here's the best part: i know that for the rest of my life i can look forward to more of the same in increasing measure, as i submit myself to you.

i love you, Daddy. i love you, Jesus. i love you, Holy Spirit. "thank you" is not adequate.

psalm 84

1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD Almighty!

2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.

3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
Selah

5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.

8 Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;
listen to me, O God of Jacob.
Selah

9 Look upon our shield, O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.

10 Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.

12 O LORD Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.

note to self

2008-11-25T15:10:00.000-05:00

Open up, soul. Open up. Let them see you, let yourself be amendable. Don’t be so concerned with protecting your perfectly organized persona down to every last detail. Stop being such a Uniqueness Snob. A life of service to the poor, if it comes out of your pursuit of uniqueness/specialness rather than a heart of love and service is nothing to God at all. He just wants your heart of love and service. He just wants your heart. And let Him make you into a bundle of paradoxical nonsense if He wants to. Let Him ambush, hijack and right-out surprise you.

Snow Day (Younging)

2008-11-24T14:45:00.005-05:00

this morning we played in the snow
we had a snow ball fight
we danced and leapt off picnic tables
we chased jenn and the little ones down the alley
(further proof that since moving here,
i have been younging)

poem-ish

2008-11-21T17:51:00.001-05:00

a peace has settled down over the women's apartment (chelsea-brooke)
made deeper by the snow falling softly outside its windows
so welcoming that i long to cuddle up in it
it is stillness and rest and joy
danny, michael, and chelsea are all strumming
and worshiping right now
and from where i sit, i hear them all
our voices are loosed
i've just spent 3 hours
laying on the futon under down
freshly painted toenails (i want to be pretty)
no food in this belly, no emails in this head,
i'm meditatively praying,
bathing him and the space between us in prayer
so thorough that i can't imagine having missed a thing
and reading about and contemplating poverty,
development, serving, charity, empowerment
praying this fire in me to be fanned
make me into a kingdom woman, God
later we head over to the Gold Ave House
for tri-community west side prayer
bless these friendships with humility and unity
we have the same blood in our veins

come winter with us (or, merry christmas)

2008-11-20T16:33:00.004-05:00

i just took a nap in jesus' arms in the prayer garage, bundled up in a warm down blanket, with the heater running, just to stay warm. the days are cold now and the nights colder yet. the blood in my veins is thickening and slowing and more and more i want to be tucked in under blankets, cupping mugs of hot coffee in my hands, and otherwise hibernating.

so now, with the weather colder, i think about my homeless friends and ache a little at the thought of them wearing 5 layers of clothes, wrapped up in the blankets and sleeping bags they've gotten from us, taking to dumpsters and bridges for shelter from the frost and snow. even with all of this, i know they are still cold. and so they'll drink more (if such a thing is even possible) to generate an internal heat, some sort of bizarre immunity from the unbearable michigan winter chill.

and even though i know that they've chosen this life by repeatedly choosing the bottle or the syringe or just their angry pride or sloth over opportunities for new life, it still doesn't seem right to leave them there.

tony said emails are starting to roll into the stockbridge boiler room account with inquiries about what they can do for the poor, through us, this holiday season. we appreciate this, but we are somewhat at a loss.

people become suddenly very concerned about the poor in november and december: food baskets, christmas feasts served at the homeless shelter, toys for tots, donated hats and gloves. i don't mean to knock this because any outpouring of generosity probably originates from the heart of God in them. but i wonder if we were serious about this burden for the poor every day of the year.

if you want to give a gift to the poor this holiday season, would you be willing to shelter a bum - just one - until the last snow falls in march? would you consider paying the heating bills for one of our low-income neighbors until spring rolls around? would you do that? would i do that?

because even if they are drunks and wife-beaters, child-abusers and ex-convicts, our call to care for the poor is about us being faithful to Jesus, not them being faithful to Jesus.

i'm dreaming about what it would be like to invite one of our homeless friends to winter with us at the boiler room. if we were to do that, this is what i think it would mean: i think it would mean having a straightforward conversation initially...

Me: do you want to spend another winter under this bridge?
Them: no, man, it's real tough.
Me: would you be willing to put down the bottle for the winter if it meant you could stay somewhere warm?
Them: well, i might try that. but i have a sickness.
Me: yeah, i know that. i know it's a lot to ask. but what if people were gonna help you through that?
Them: yeah, okay.
Me: we'd love to give you our (a) spare room or (b) the heated garage where there's a comfy couch to stay in until the spring time. we'd love you to live with us and eat with us until it's warm enough to hit the streets again.
Them: wow, really? that would be great (OR maybe their pride would be hurt and they'd not be willing to accept it, in which case we let them go because Jesus always started with "do you WANT to be well?" and if they didn't, he didn't chase them down or force himself on them).
Me: great, gather your things and when you get here, we'll sit down and talk about what the rules of this family are, so that you know exactly what to expect. we'll have a good winter together. (and the rules would be that we are a praying house and a meal-sharing house and a sober house and a tidy house and they are invited to participate in all of these things).

We're not expecting them to become 100% turned-around Jesus followers by March. we're not demanding them to have jobs, to reconcile with their families, or to give up swearing... we're not anticipating getting to the root of the societal ills that put them in this position in the first place... but we ARE expecting that they are capable of respecting the culture of our family/home and contributing to it meaningfully during their stay...and we are expecting that they will encounter Jesus as they live alongside of us, and will have an opportunity to respond to that.

Just one homeless person sleeping in your house or garage. Just one.

Just one family's heating bill. Just one.

Merry Christmas.

5 minus 3

2008-11-18T11:38:00.002-05:00

once there were four + one more
now there are just two
(two lost to africa, one to a better fit)

keeping secrets

2008-11-18T00:10:00.003-05:00

i'm keeping secrets with the Lord right now and i know it's right for me to do so for a while. this way he becomes my confidant and it is only his voice that influences me reactions and decisions and the direction of my heart. it is he alone i turn to with my fears, questions, hopes, and excitements. this means i've been talking to him like most girls talk to their best friends -- verbally processing it all aloud with him in the quietness of my bedroom or the prayer garage or the car, where no one else can hear. i'm enjoying this time with him, though my tongue is twitching to talk to my earthly friends. not yet, no not now. the time is not here. this is the secret place.

coming around the mountain

2008-11-13T23:43:00.005-05:00

i'm behind on blogging but this is what i want you to know:
there is never a dull moment in this woman's heart or mind.
it's almost too much.
i don't think i'll attempt to completely "catch up" here.

the floodgates have opened again with my God and me.
the journal pages are getting scribbled upon with holy fury,
in an attempt to put on paper every little thing He's teaching me.

here are some shorts:

1
i am ugly when i act like moses single-handedly judging all the issues of all the people in the desert, taking on a weighty responsibility too heavy for me to bear.
i have been so uptight, trying to manage how non-interns act in the prayer garage - wanting to subdue them and rein them in (because i'm insecure about my position). this is sin and it is ugly.
(besides, whoever is not against us if for us and i want to be one who raises others up, empowers them, and releases them... not one who stifles them so she can have the limelight)

2
i don't want to control or manage anymore, God.
i want to lay continually in green pastures with you.

3
i want to schedule Brooke School - study periods to dig into intentional, directed Bible study and also studying books about topics God has impressed on my heart (e.g., enneagram, poverty) and/or that keep a fire lighted in my heart.
i want to learn in a way that crosses from theory into change and action.

4
i try too hard and work too hard at worship - scrunching up my face in concentration, attempting to work myself into a fervor and passion.
instead, what is better is to come to him with open, empty hands, waiting in a relaxed and expectant posture to be filled by him.
worship is his work.

5
i thought maybe i didn't have a fire in my belly for the lost and the poor. but then the holy spirit connected some dots. he pointed out that the passion i DO have, which is for broken people to be whole, restored, and free, IS a passion for the poor and the lost. that's my part to play in bringing the kingdom to them.

6
dreams resurfacing about being a boiler room mom/abbess.

7
i am so many faces
i am womanly and a girl
i am professional and a playful
i am competent and needy
i am broken for the poor and also self-indulgent
i crave organic simplicity and also luxuriousness
i am a low maintenance princess
all of these are me
i can move in all these ways
its the fullness of maturity,
this courage to be a paradox

hosting and pilgrimmaging

2008-11-12T18:31:00.004-05:00

there is a part of me that wants to wait to write until i've filtered, processed, and recomposed all the pieces into something linear and tidy, but my heart and my head are so full that i am choosing instead to do something far more stream-of-consciousness style.

i've been in madison since saturday evening on what was supposed to be a brief, two night stay and turned into four. because jesus loves me enough to get me stuck in a place where he can do some healing, speak some truth, pour out some love, give me one giant hug.

circumstantially its an unremarkable story. see, chip and i drove to madison to return the transit team to their home there. we were having so much fun with the madison community that we decided to stay a bit longer. and then the car broke down (as in it needed to be towed to a garage to be fixed) and the fixing took a long time. and it was not until this morning that leaving town was a real option.

so what filled those hours of madison time was this: homecooked meals with the community, neon bowling, spontaneous worship sessions, The God Story teachings, walking around downtown, lazy conversations on the living room rug, naps, time in the word, exhortations from brothers and sisters, prayer ministry, laughter, photography, etc. etc.

and in my heart worlds were shifting. and God has heard my prayers of every sort. he's ushered me once more into his presence and set me in a place of refreshing. and i am freer and lighter and giddier than i was when i went to that place. my heart's been opened. the prophetic words of a sister pierced me with love. the playfulness of my little sisters and brothers younged me.

recieving. this is one of the key things. she prayed that my receiving doors would be opened in the name of jesus. able to recieve the free love of God and others, able to recieve a compliment, able to recieve rest and permission and all the rest. and to drop that arrogant posture that assumes that though i can give out to others, they cannot give anything of value back to me. that's sin and it's gross.

and we need to be woken up. I need to be woken up. and to chase hard after God with new energy and discipline. he's pushing me back to His written word right now, saying "know my heart, know what matters to me." and at the same time, he's holding me in this close and grace-filled embrace.

i want to learn. i want to study the word with more diligence and to read books that keep my heart alive for the passions He's planted in my heart. i want to dream again, too. yes, i want to dare to dream (plant your dreams in me, God). and one of those dreams, that's been there a while, but is now resurfacing, is to plant a boiler room and to mother it.

(this is unfinished, but i'm posting it anyway, raw)

hug ingredients

2008-11-05T23:51:00.002-05:00

God hugged me today and the ingredients of the hug were this:
a good practical joke that yielded laughter
a bike ride in the sun with friends
the mothering grace of jenn
permission granted to take a road trip
a deep and cleansing cry
song of songs chapters 3 and 4
a rest in the prayer garage
a baby named alexander
the exhortation from a friend named luis
the electric shivers of the holy spirit

also...
there are three 24-7 transit students staying at our house this week. their names are kiersty (18, indonesia), rachel (22, ireland), and alex (19, wisconsin). and i ask you this: in what other world are three complete strangers who are also marvelous and delightful individuals dropped into your home for a week? this is one of the perks of being part of this pilgrimaging, hospitality-practicing prayer movement.

voted

2008-11-04T16:30:00.001-05:00

beyond the presidential candidate, my voting decisions for all other offices were based on some combination of listening prayer, gut instincts, and a vague desire to vote for women and the green party.

but i voted.

more!

2008-10-29T23:14:00.005-04:00

i just want to say that with Him there is always more and
i don't want to take this detached, dull, desert season laying down
i don't think i believe it's just a season in which to learn faithfulness and constancy
because complacency is not the same as shalom (don't make that mistake!)
so i will fight for more from Him and with Him
i will to press hard into God until He
wakes up my spirit and
sharpens my discernment
again, and in increasing measure
more

behind what's been keeping me stuck in spiritual dullness
there is envy, subtle and insidious
and i know you'd maybe never guess that
but that's my dirty little secret, my core sin
and like every sin it keeps me in captivity
trickles out of me as mockery, cynicism, and a critical spirit
'cos when i fear that i can't have the
freedom, giftedness, breakthrough, love
that i see Them having
i would rather pretend i don't care than
admit that i am hungry
for what they have
but fear it's out of reach

that's the stuff in me that doesn't make me look so good
but i'm okay with that if it's gonna make Him look good
when He lets me see this clearly and
gives me a heart of repentance (which is turning)
part of that repentance was believing there is more

it's a prayer that W used to pray a lot,
arms open to heaven, face turned upward,
she would cry out, "more, God, more more more!"
this is the one place where greediness makes sense 'cos
it makes God look good when we acknowledge that He is bottomless
and we expect a great deal from Him
and we won't rest till we've dredged the depths
(which ought to take about eternity, so keep praying "MORE!")

2008-10-22T11:07:00.002-04:00

"O Lord, who hold the reins of all you have created.. you used me..but so that we might recognize that it was all by your doing, you used me without my knowledge...you use us all, whether we know it or not, for a purpose which is known to you, a purpose which is just."
-St. Augustine

i want to be good at this

2008-10-21T10:18:00.004-04:00

hours and hours a week, i'd guess: this is how much time i've been spending perusing the web portfolios of professional photographers.

my head space lately has become so filled with these expressive images that i've been seeing in photographs. i don't know how to explain what this is like, unless you've experienced it. the world is photographs and every person in it framed by color and lines, with light falling across their faces.

the images of an authentic photographer are telling you more than what you see, they are taking you the edges of some truth. they are pulling deep-seated emotions from the recesses of your heart by their play on light and composition. these images are celebrating the human form and the intersection of human bodies sharing space, which tells the story of relationship with only color and image; you get to guess at the sounds, scent, temperature, atmosphere, taste.

when i look at these portfolios, i just think: i want to be good at this.

this is an art form i want to excel at. i want to make such soulful images.

i want to soak up the technical knowledge of accomplished photographers but, more than that, i want to develop a soul that intuits an image and vision that sees sacredness in the ordinary and frames it in a way that invites others inside of it. because the soul and the eye are perhaps even more important than the technicalities. and i want to find my own flavor, my distinctive style so you will know you're looking at the art of one specific woman (no dime-a-dozen pictures).

you may not know this: whenever i do a photography job, i pray over my eyes, my spirit, and my camera. i ask God to anoint my gifting and to use it to make something beautiful for the people i'm photographing. this is what i'm gonna keep on doing. and i'm going to trust that, run into wild and abandoned creativity with confidence that he's answering me.

my latest favorites, who embody all of this: these images (by The Image is Found), Jesh de Rox and Jose Villa

the things i'll carry (or, what's next?)

2008-10-21T08:02:00.003-04:00

the boiler room internship is half over (!).

it's not too soon to begin wondering about "what's next."

but whereas in almost every other phase of my life i have had a pretty clear sense of direction about "the next thing," i'm coming up dry here.

i have learned through this internship about*:

what gifts have been deposited in me (the talents from the master that i'm to put to work for him in this world)

cooking healthfully for huge numbers of people
making meaningful images with my camera
communicating truth compassionately and clearly, with wisdom (so they say)
encouraging and counseling people, offering my presence fully and going deep
holding authentic friendships with people homeless and addicted
using words well verbally and in writing
healing and deliverance prayer, spiritual warfare (still a baby-size gift)

the foundational truths of great import that make my heart beat differently

God is the Living One, accessible and active just as much now as in the Bible times
the heart of God is for the healing and redemption of all His children
the Spirit of God is my [literal] counselor and I hear His voice
on the other side of obedience and surrender there is joy
Jesus is calling his disciples (me!) to follow hard after Him with whole hearts
the church is called to be small, simple, accessible and incarnational
following Jesus should involve some measure of audacity
spiritual warfare is real and i can do battle with authority

the lifestyle that i want to maintain

one that is simple, minimalistic, and free of materialism
one that is relational, living in intentional community with other believers
having a spirit and practice of hospitality to strangers and "the least of these"
keeping disciplines and rhythms of prayer, worship, and study
foregoing busyness and maintaining a restful posture in a chaotic world
choosing a zip code with the purposes of bringing the kingdom there
defined by generosity with money, time, and talents
sharing home-cooked meals on a regular basis with family, friends, and guests
being a wife and a mother

but none of these translate directly into a course of action! they are so many seeds planted black soil, but what they will grow up into has not yet been made known. they are all pieces. they are gorgeous puzzle pieces, and so though i'm not at all certain what the sum of their parts will look like, i have every reason to believe it'll be amazing. not just cos the pieces are good, but because God is faithful and kind.

as you've been bearing witness - through our friendship and through reading my blog - to this journey into and through the boiler room life, i invite you to join me in praying for God's plan to unfold before me with all the grace and clarity so characteristic of His Spirit's movement. and for me to bear patiently with the uncertainty meantime.

*by no means an exhaustive accounting of what i've learned or gleaned

Brooke Sellers Photography Blog

2008-10-20T16:26:00.003-04:00

Introducing

Brooke Sellers Photography Blog

stay tuned for official website portfolio
(coming winter 2008)

Knowing Him

2008-10-20T16:18:00.003-04:00

Realizing that I can have experiential and relational knowledge of God through the Holy Spirit, that I can meet with Jesus in my sanctified imagination, has been the difference between my thinking of God as a good story that happened 2000 years ago and has vague implications for my own life, and instead beginning to think of Him as the Living One, whose love is better than life.

Three books that are informing me along the way:
1. God Guides by Mary Geegh

2. Walking With God by John Eldredge

3. Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ by Jeanne Guyon

Have you read any of these? I'd love to talk with you about it sometime.

Exotic Comfort Food

2008-10-19T17:12:00.008-04:00

on the table tonight for dinner is Tangine of Chicken and Lentils with Fenugreek, served over bread cubes (or cinnamon-cumin millet if you're gluten-free girl).

TREDA*

2 Tbsp olive oil
2 onions, slice
1 large tomato, seeded and chopped
3 lbs chicken thighs and/or breasts cut into serving pieces
2 tsp pepper
1 tsp ground turmeric
1 1/2 tsp salt
6 cups water
30 springs fresh cilantro, tied with a string
1/4 cup fenugreek seeds
3/4 cup dried lentils
6 cups 1-inch cubes day-old bread (cous cous would also work)
freshly ground pepper and salt to taste
fresh cilantro leaves for garnish

In a medium dutch oven or enameled casserole over high heat, heat the oil and saute the onions, tomato, chicken, pepper, turmeric, and alt until onions are tender, 5-8 minutes. Add the water, cilantro, and fenugreek seeds. Reduce heat to medium. Cover and cook until tender 40-45 minutes. Add the lentils and continue cooking until they are tender, 20 to 25 minutes. Discard the cilantro. Place bread cubes in the bottom of each bowl and ladle the stew over top. Garnish with fresh cilantro leaves.

(From: Cooking at the Kasban by Kitty Morse)

I'm also expecting dinner guests tonight. Marie (!!!), who has recently reemerged on the landscape of the Boiler Room (see photo) and Derek (aka Skillet) who I ran into on my walk today and who presented me with a gift. The gift was this old, broken camera that he found in the woods and said he thought of me when he found it. He wonders if I could get it fixed maybe.

So the air is crisp, the colors fiery, and the aromas coming from the kitchen as I type this sublime.

Wish ya'll could be here.

*it didn't photograph well, so i'll not post the pic

these last two days

2008-10-14T17:23:00.004-04:00

yesterday an engagement announcement
today a death announcement
i'm in their exuberance and in their grieving

today i am a girl out on a limb
(heart on sleeve, love bravely offered)
but because this limb is connected to
a strong and nourishing trunk
i can afford this posture of foolishness

tonight - ready or not - i get to sit in a circle with
a handful of west side teenage girls and
talk with them about jesus, who gives life
and satan, who steals kills and destroys
i want these girls to have the eyes of their hearts opened
a spirit of wisdom and revelation, to know Him more

my camera needs a little help in the dark
needed "something to throw light around with"
so i bought an external, remote flash
and chalked it up as a business expense

in a wok:
cubed tofu
cubed/grilled sweet potato
shredded kale
baby bella mushrooms
diced red bell pepper
garlic onion salt pepper
(this is lunch)
i never saw jules so radiant and serene as last night
when i ran into her on my bike ride and she
wanted a hair cut from chelsea and some counsel
so she came home with me to dinner
also there was dave and the jovial ribbing we gave him
about his navy stories redundantly told
as he helped himself to a slab of butter in his chicken chili
and i realize that they are friends
people just like any people only
they haven't got a home
spent hours yesterday processing the photos of
my very pregnant friend who is my home-birth hero
and i smiled at the love between them and
the family that will soon be born
(only i've still got half the batch left to edit!)

off for now...

tidbits of my "siblings"

2008-10-07T22:02:00.003-04:00

in the next room chelsea is strumming and singing for bedtime
chip was delivered from persistent foul spirits (when they regroup he tells them where to go)
sarah renee is growing up and embracing her little girl who wants to play with puppies
danmike is considering selling his handmade bags on etsy.com
michael has quit his job and dropped a class to create room for his calling
sarah jayne has become a pied piper for jesus to the neighbor children

jesus is working in my brothers and sisters here
i love them so

i love my brother and sister

2008-10-06T10:48:00.002-04:00

back to the public sphere (10)

2008-10-03T10:24:00.005-04:00

my writing has gone underground, i think, into more private spheres -- the privacy of my journal, which i no longer feel compelled to type up the contents of, and the exchange of emails and letters one-on-one. i think this feels appropriate to me for a season.

but here are some things (10) for blogging, in no particular order.

1
some of my favorite moments involve food. food and relationship are often so tied up into one package. last night we did a late-night intern run to meijer for ice cream (Beyer's was on sale 2/$5!), then sat down to consume it together, laughing, some of us with Nestle Quik as topping. we did this as a way of reunifying and decompressing after a difficult interaction with a couple of our neighborhood friends, for whom we are so burdened. yesterday afternoon danny (previously danmike) and i sat a few hours at Bite downtown and shared a smoothie and a mint mocha and had some brother-sister heart-to-heart time, which warmed up my insides and inspired my spirit. and on wednesday, tracy brought by a pasta dish and stuffed peppers just cos she wanted to, after Sarah had prayed for someone to bring us dinner that night. a few friends were over and well all clustered in the kitchen relishing that provision together. (btw, the picture is of my favorite breakfast these days)

2
do you know that my abbess is one of the funkiest proverbs 31 women i know? she shows me this in all sorts of ways all the time, like how she can even look groovy in her geometric-patterned apron when she comes to borrow butter for her blueberry muffin recipe. this morning when doing breakfast dishes in her kitchen, she used Sigur Ros, turned up loud, to bounce her four children into chore action. within seconds, these well-conditioned young ones were setting table, carrying fire wood, and loading up the compost heap all to the tune of that lovely icelandic wonderland music. if i could be a little bit like her when i grow up, i'd love that.

3
the other day i asked the Lord what i was doing here at the boiler room and do you know what He said to me? He said, "I wanted to show you family." this is not what i was expecting to hear because you'd better believe that what I thought i was there for was something far more altruistic and glamorous. i was there to do great things for the poor, primarily. not to learn how to participate in a family. but isn't it just like Him to show me whose who? He repeatedly reminds me that what i think a thing is about is not really at all what it's about and often when i think i'm taking care of people/things, He's taking care of ME. i am a wife, a mother, a big sister, and a daughter all wrapped up in one. here there is family with relationships rightly ordered, with Christ firmly and undeniably placed at center. we're the constellation in His orbit. so maybe before i thought i could heal all my family mis-perceptions and wounds through loads of intensive talk therapy, but i'm seeing that just being here in this family is healing me much more speedily and effectively than all of that.

4
tonight i am going to a college retreat... as a leader/mentor, not as a college student attendee. this makes me feel... old. i am taking my cues on how to go about this thing not from any leadership trainings or counselor eduction courses, but rather from the example of abbot and abbess, who lead by surrendered transparency. they lay their lives and hearts open before us and assume that somehow in doing so we'll gain something from it. which we have and we do and we will continue to. i don't want to try to step into some sort of role or put on a hat here, i think it's best for me to just remain who i am, without posing at all, even if it seems un-leader-like. i did sit down and make a list of all the things i've experienced or wrestled with in my life thus far and that list is considerable. and i don't have to try to manufacture wisdom, because the fact is that the seasoning process that i've been through with the Lord produces naturally-occurring wisdom that will show itself correct by its children. i fear that this isn't making sense right now because i haven't found adequate words for it yet.

5
jesus died for my forgiveness and freedom, yes, and also my joy. His heart is for my joy to be complete (john 3:29 and 16:24). i have trouble giving into the joy... it's like i think that though Jesus can handle and asks for some of my emotions (like all my burdens, sorrows and fears), that somehow my joy, hope, and expectancy are too much for him, or not pleasing to Him. so i sometimes fight it when there's a big influx of those emotions in me in response to a gift i've been given. as if it's dangerous or inappropriate to go there. but then i felt like yesterday, as i kneeled by the cross, He was saying "I died for that, too. I want you to give me that, too." and i cried with joy and that was my offering of thanks to Him. I hope he picked up on that.

6
i had been praying for a while for another guy intern to pop up at the boiler room, but until recently there were absolutely zero prospects. there were guys around -- and good, godly ones -- but about none of them was there a sense of their indispensable or undeniable need to be here with us in that role. until michael waltzed onto the scene, recently returned from Hill Song in Australia, now enrolled at Cornerstone, and having met danny through the worship team at church. and he was sucked into this family with all the force of a black hole, only friendlier. his inability to stay away from here reminded me of how Sarah and i were in the early days. and it was just made official that he gets to join us here as an intern, starting next month. i love this kid. and he is quickly becoming my partner in crime.

7
shopping list: q-tips, laundry detergent, natural deodorant, and socks. soon. also, ingredients for curry for sunday's dinner.

8
had to cancel The Beauty Project II due to lack of momentum and a catch in the spirit. i know this is the right decision and i'm pretty even-keeled about it. will continue to seek His face about how, when, if to do it some other day in the future.

9
i realized also this week that i am incredibly energized by hanging out with my street-dwelling friends. when i get an opportunity to sit and converse with one of them, or have them for dinner, serve them coffee, or visit them in jail and hospital (as has been happening lately), something in me comes alive and glowy for the remainder of the day. i wonder what this is all about?

10
i went to counseling school and it sucked my soul. whatever natural anointing i may have had to being a container for people's messiest emotions, for entering into pain with people and speaking hope and life into those dark places without judgement... well, i feel like it all got lost in the fray of strict boundaries, heaps of "documentation," ethical guidelines, and insistence that a counselor must be a blank slate with no moral convictions. it's like a natural artist going to art school and finding that in the attempt to conform to technique and propriety, they lose the heart of it. then they have to spend the next several years reclaiming their art form, which often means going back to what it was when it was raw and not yet tidied up. i feel like this is what is happening for me.

end

worst fear

2008-09-25T21:42:00.004-04:00

i'm hoping it's a good sign: my worst fear these days is simply that i might somehow lose Jesus.
that's the worst thing i can imagine. it's the worry that gnaws at me.
when i can't feel him, when he seems far away or inaccessible, i ache.
i know He wouldn't want me to worry about that...
("Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you" and "Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the ages," He said)
but for me this is the beginning of the Fear of God
and slowly, almost imperceptibly, it's crowding out fear of man
(or cellulite or singleness or poverty or sickness or hunger or persecution)

six shorts having nothing in common but love

2008-09-24T21:53:00.004-04:00

1.
how i love a love feast
all God's children tramping through the yard
these are Your treasures, God
right here in our field
I'll dig for 'em, God
keep 'em comin'
this is your Kingdom in
the back yard

2.
its such a joy to me to make
good food with my own two hands
and with it feed so many ragamuffin friends

3.
in this family i feel like a wife
provided for
financially
emotionally
spiritually
led, nurtured, protected
also depended on
indispensable
called to live sacrificially
and i like how this feels and
i want to keep on being a wife
in one way, shape, or form
from now on
(proverbs 31 style)

4.
sometimes i see my friends having
their socks blessed right off
these really specific prayers for
outrageous things, but still they ask
and God delivers
and they hold their hands open,
glee across their faces,
and receive
this thing i know: that i am a clumsy receiver
this thing i fear: that God doesn't love me as much as them
so there's some work to be done in me here

5.
God mentioned to me the other day
that if i'm looking for a younger woman
to disciple and pour into
that she should be chosen first of all
because she is someone i
enjoy
connect with
believe in
NOT because i think she
has a need that I feel I can meet
(and this was a light bulb moment for me)

6.
i confess to
a great deal of waiting
for his next few lines of text 'cos
somehow his words never fail
to elate or intrigue me
this email conversation
is companionable
it is not dramatic or
even deep; it is the
gradually
unfolding
intimacy
of small things

here is something very good

2008-09-19T23:45:00.003-04:00

'round here
i am told daily
(sometimes multiple times a day),
"i love you"
and i am embraced
by many hands

that's no small thing

(sketch by Chip Youmans)

yesterday a terrible thing happened

2008-09-19T08:48:00.003-04:00

yesterday, only a day after his return from rehab,
a terrible thing happened

he said we are all wrong
we have effectively alienated "the least of these"
we have been like Ananias and Sapphira
we have made ourselves into something unacceptable
and we are being punished for it
he said that Jesus told him all of this
he said that therefore he could have nothing to do with us

he was vodka drenched when he said this
and he was talking in circles of contradiction
one minute condemning and judging
the next minute self-abasing

and you know we spent the entire afternoon
talking him down, talking it through,
trying to cover his shame with grace
at the same time trying to discern
whether his words were prophetic or demonic
chip and tony and dm warred for him
taking car keys away
following him into the family pantry sphere
risking fights
i was so proud of them

but when we sat down for our evening "church"
i wept tears of bitterness, anger, grief
because this is a terrible thing that's happened
and i'm not sure i can do this with him one more time
and he hit some of my vulnerable spots with his accusations
and i have to break off false guilt, shame, condemnation
and declare to the heavenlies that only before Jesus do i (we)
stand or fall
and He is welcome to expose and convict if i have acted wrongly

but the conviction of Jesus is first of all gentle
secondly unmistakably clear
and thirdly accompanied by empowerment for repentance
(none of this came along with his words)

and then apart from all that there's the fact that
i love this man
for some reason, he's burrowed a tunnel down
into my heart and
when he falls and when he gets up
my own body falls and rises in parallel

so much of brokenness

i want to say this:
that i trust the Lord's leadership in our community
i trust his guidance in my life
and i also want to say that before any of this even went down
the Lord prepared my heart by reminding me
that He's been in this and among us and
He alone is my (our) judge

so He does not forget us
(none of us)

he didn't stay and he hasn't come back
and i'm not sure that he will or that he can
none of his tirade was about his criticisms, really
what it was about was that
he is terrified to let himself be loved and
enveloped into a family that
will not let him off the hook
and will not let him go

A Few Photographic Highlights

2008-09-16T17:01:00.004-04:00

1. i went on another west side photo walk with sarah jayne and cassie today. two different groupings of neighbors stopped me and asked me to take their photo! so i did, of course, and now they've been sent to print and i'll deliver them to these new neighbor friends as soon as they arrive in the mail. (i'm wondering if this might become one of those ways that i can initiate relationship with our neighbors from now on?) here are the neighbors we met. pray for the kingdom to come to their homes.
2. took some "senior portraits" of sarah jayne because she never before had any properly done. yes, she graduated from her home-schooling program 10 years ago, but it's never too late for this sort of thing.
3. marv is home. just got off the bus from gaastra today. he seems good. real good. i'm glad to have him home again.

we inhabit this city

2008-09-16T08:17:00.003-04:00

Joshua 1:14-15 - Your wives, your children and your livestock may stay in the land that Moses gave you east of the Jordan, but all your fighting men, fully armed, must cross over ahead of your brothers. You are to help your brothers until the LORD gives them rest, as he has done for you, and until they too have taken possession of the land that the LORD your God is giving them. After that, you may go back and occupy your own land.

We've already been brought into the promised land and we're citizens of this upside-down Kingdom of God. But just like the "fighting men" of Joshua's day, we can't stay put, in complacent peace about our security there... we are to "help our brothers until the Lord gives them rest" too. The promise is not just for us and ours, but for this whole neighborhood, this whole city.

Jeremiah 29:4-6 - "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper."

Because we're citizens of another kingdom, we're exiles here in this city, too. But we are to tie up our welfare in the welfare of our neighborhood. Our shalom will be in direct proportion to theirs and "if it prospers, we too will prosper." We're not to be clannish and separate, but engaged with these neighbors of ours.

What does this look like for us, as Children of God and heirs to the Kingdom, living on the west side of Grand Rapids, MI? Teach me, God.

drizzly days

2008-09-14T13:55:00.003-04:00

it's been raining for three days straight. i think i like it. it's all cozy like. a drizzly rain is good for jogging in, for vegging out in sweat pants in, for doing introverted hobbies in, for drinking hot tea in. it makes for a certain quietness.

so i've been taking advantage of this forced indoor time to unapologetically indulge in some activities i would otherwise feel i oughtn't do, or wouldn't take the time to do. like...

writing long, thoughtful emails and eagerly awaiting the replies
downloading new presets and features to enhance my Adobe Lightroom
studying the photography of other artists for inspiration
listening to teachings by Tim Keller about loving and living in the city
doing all the application paperwork for my new volunteer job
assembling paperwork for establishing myself as a sole proprietorship
watching movies (Spanglish) and drinking wine (Cabernet)
general day-dreaming

tonight for dinner i'll make a veggie bake and brown rice for everyone. it will be simple and nourishing. it will warm our insides.

and tomorrow, if the sun comes back out, i'm contemplating some purposeful prayer walking around the neighborhood.

that's about it. pretty quiet around here, friends.

love and the cost of discipleship

2008-09-09T13:30:00.006-04:00

lately, this following of Jesus has been feeling hard, and He has been seeming like a cruel task-master. it's been feeling burdensome and annoying to follow Him, and i've been craving normalcy, a return to comfortable Christianity and cheap grace.

and i thought this was because of honest intellectual doubts and theological uncertainty.

until He smoked me with this, midway through a reading of the book of Luke,

"You don't believe that I want to bless you."

busted.

no, God, I don't. i confess that i don't really believe that you actually want to bless me. somewhere along the line i've lost touch with your heart, like a wife whose forgotten that her husband loves her and suddenly she's no longer sure why she's fighting to keep up that marriage.
discipleship feels costly only to the disciple who has lost touch with her rabbi's heart for her.

'cos when you really GET it... that he wants to bless you... then you remember what you're gaining; you remember what you're fighting for.

so, Jesus, your wife here needs to be reminded. she needs to be wooed and desired and pursued and all the rest. she needs a bouquet of wild flowers and a heart-to-heart; she needs to lay a while with her head in your lap and your fingers in her hair. she needs you to whisper sweet nothings into her ear.

this has far less to do with having intellectual questions answered or theological confusions clarified. it is far, far more personal.

love me!

hospitality in three words

2008-09-08T19:42:00.007-04:00

these three words are my (our) new mantra for the Best Practices of Hospitality:

invitational - to seek others out and request their presence at our table. this is an intentional act of service. a guest is invited into the entire process, from setting the table to helping wash the dishes.

relational - the person is being invited in not merely to consume food but also to partake in the network of social relationships that exists in our home. in this way, the guest is being connected to people in a give and take way in which both parties become better acquainted with one another.

civilized - when practicing hospitality to guests who are used to living in a hurried and often times survival manner, we offer a slice of rest, shelter and dignity, by slowing down the pace, sitting around a table that is set, passing dishes family style, etc.

this has been beautiful to watch unfold, though it's only been a week so far that we've been operating with these guidelines. it's amazing to see what happens. a man who spends most of his day drunk on the corner showers up, tucks in his shirt, and shows up with several hours sobriety under his belt. another lingers in the kitchen making small talk about work and family while we cook, then offering to take out the trash after the meal is past.

if dinner is drawing near and we haven't yet any guests, one of us will do a quick walk around the block seeing who we can round up. we want guests nearly every night. we want guests from whom we cannot expect to receive anything in return. we want our world widened by their presence. we want their hearts warmed by our attentive care for them.

i want to practice hospitality well because i think it makes Jesus smile.

creativity, characters & music

2008-09-06T15:48:00.005-04:00

1

i think it would be great to be creative (one who creates things)
because creativity is brave it is
coloring outside the lines and
forming something out of pieces previously unreconciled
and i would like for people to believe in me about this
capacity i sometimes doubt is there,
but if they can see it and invite it out to play
that would give some life to me

2

i wrote character sketches
of all my house mates
plus abbot and abbess
and read them aloud to the girls
at breakfast
just for fun
(and because i want to learn to be a writer)
they are telling it like it is,
but also deeply affectionate
i love these clowns so much
but they are clowns

3

i don't do well with music
i am always telling people this
("i'm a musical retard," i'll say)
i don't know how to hear it and
i have no vocabulary to name or describe it, and
besides all that, i'm prone to sensory overload (noise)
music is not noise, i know, but it is, too
but then he made me some mixes to live by
one for rest, one for joy and
also he's been sending along other songs
and i am drinking them up with
more appreciation than i knew i had in me
and music, well, it moves your
emotional and mental landmarks around
like pieces on a chess board
oh, look what happens when you combine
yearning with a soaring epic swell of sound
or when you pair hopeful expectation with
beating, pounding, erratic rhythm
this gets really interesting

A New Rhythm

2008-09-04T11:43:00.002-04:00

I'm going to go ahead and get detail-oriented here, because if I were you, I would be a bit curious about "A Day In The Life" of an SBR intern.

6 am -- morning prayer (everyone in our core community attends)
7 am -- breakfast as a core community
8 am -- chore hour
9 am -- open our doors for hospitality hours (until noon)
12 pm -- noon prayer (open)
1 pm -- lunch, rest, personal quiet time
3 pm -- open doors for hospitality hours (until 9 pm)
5 pm -- meal prep
6 pm -- evening meal (each day 2-3 guests or strangers from neighborhood and wider community will be invited to join us)
8 pm -- evening prayer (everyone in core community attends usually)
9 pm -- close down and wind down
10 pm -- bedtime (God willing)

I and every other intern will be on-call and available on the premises for a total of about 15-20 hospitality hours per week. During this time, we're available for fellowshipping/praying/

relationship-building with anyone who might stop by (e.g., students from nearby Grand Valley, our hobo friends, neighbors, friends of the ministry). When there aren't people to tend to, I'll be reading, cleaning up around the house, working on photography and art projects, organizing/straightening, etc.

In addition to this daily rhythm, we will be having weekly Love Feasts (Wednesday nights at 6 pm, open for all!) and Toast (which is our name for our Simple Church). I'll also be involved in a weekly women's group centered on listening/healing prayer and study about the holy spirit, a weekly discipleship group with my fellow female interns, weekly discipleship time with my abbess, and hopefully some volunteer work with a nearby ministry to the west side called The Other Way. We'll be taking sabbath on Saturdays (Boiler Room closed).

We'll be hosting pilgrims from other Boiler Rooms for a week in October, taking retreats/pilgrimages ourselves (quarterly), filming for a short documentary of the SBR, going to author talks, having a small writing group (Sundays at 6:30 pm), weeks of 24-7 Prayer (every 6 weeks, first one begins 9/26)) and the annual boiler room conference in the spring. Personally, I'm planning on a couple cooking classes, as well as a repeat of The Beauty Project (back by popular demand). I'd also like to start more intentional discipleship of a couple younger women this year.

A Rhythm or Rule of Life, when done well, should give one a sense of being able to breath within its flexible walls, and that is exactly how I feel about this pattern we'll be keeping. It builds in the Spiritual Disciplines and also urges us into finding our unique missional niches within its framework. There's room to grow here in every sense of the word. And perhaps what excites me the most is that it reminds me a whole lot of how I imagine Jesus might have spent a day.

At the roots of this is a deep desire and dedication in the heart of every member of this community to love God well and to have the outflowing of that be sacrificial love and service to our neighborhood.

What He Said

2008-09-03T22:05:00.005-04:00

the Lord dealt with me today...

He said:
let Me ambush you,
give Me rein to hijack your life,
let Me lead you to places and relationships you don't expect
and be open to the fact that those places and people
might not be among the poor, living in intentional community in the 3rd world
as you had envisioned it/they would be
i know this was the image in your mind's eye
every time you've sung songs to Me about surrender
but, you see, as long as you're holding to that (any) particular image
you are not really surrendering at all, are you?
stop judging others for taking paths that don't look like yours
and leave room for the fact that I might not leave you on this path forever,
the path you think is The Answer and The Way
because all that I really want from you
all that I have ever really wanted from you
is your heart and you tucked in My pocket
you could live eternity among the poor and downtrodden but
if you're doing it in pursuit of specialness, uniqueness, or identity
it is only filthy rags to Me, daughter
but as long as you are intent on My voice and bent on obedience to My Spirit
I will lead you to places you have not known,
which could be just as easily into marriage as singleness
(marriage would be hard for you, but you need to be willing to go there
also, I might not choose the mate that seems to fit your carefully maintained identity
or the 10-year plan you've laid out in light of your supposed spiritual enlightenment)
I might be just as likely to send you into the middle-class suburban sprawl you dread
as into the poor and humble communities you romanticize
will you leave Me room to bless you?
will you allow yourself to rejoice in the gifts I give to you
even when they aren't congruent with your thoughtfully constructed self-image
or with your ideas of what is right and best and most admirable?
will you trust your heart because I am in it?
when you tell Me you'll give Me "all you are and have and ever hope to be"
I want you to leave the particulars of this open for interpretation
you shall not make a God out of any vision, dream, or spiritual vocation,
ideal mate, special identity, or anything else
because I AM your God and there shall be no other

that's what He said
(well, I paraphrased a bit, but that's the gist of it)

beginning SBR again

2008-09-02T21:23:00.002-04:00

so it's that time again, she thought
and she wasn't without fear and trembling
today we opened our doors again
and let the whole world walk through if they want to
(and they do want to; i know because
they've been still plopping themselves down on
our empty, closed-door stoop or the empty yard
they've been taking our produce from the midnight garden
and doing drive-by investigations)
and a lot of those citizens of the world will
receive from us dinners, prayers, and
various other need-meeting favors
and we, in exchange will have
a few colorful tales, at the least
a few life transformations to witness, at most

this entire life is a counter-cultural experiment
this past month's been counter-cultural in
the transcendence above the rat race,
the freedom to rest deeply and guiltlessly, and
the simplicity of lingering in the deep places
now comes that other counter-cultural feat
of sharing, laying down, dying, pushing
to the limits of my natural capabilities,
survival probably possibly only if
i reckon with the grace of God fresh
each and every [6 am] morning
and again with the last breath of the day
(and hopefully we'll still, by some miracle
remain above the rat race and lingering in
the deep places)

saddle up

(***this photo is Sarah Jayne and Chip fellowshipping with our neighbors Jeremy and Jen after our cook-out dinner together today)

last week i dreamed a man

2008-09-01T23:59:00.003-04:00

though she said i should see him coming
still i was blindsided by him because
i thought i already knew him
yet i was right away plastered to him by the force of intrigue,
fluttered by his simple gestures of thoughtfulness, his presence
and there was something undeniable taking shape in
the space between us which felt inevitable and gracious and
invited us both into the no-man's land between us
to dance to some otherworldly music
(it's timing was perfect, it (he) found me
in the rare form that i can be found in
only when i've been caught of guard)

so through the languor of several glasses of wine
and in the context of people who are roots in our shared history
we offered one another small gifts of story and thoughts and feelings,
intuitively knowing the other's trustworthiness,
and finding ourselves, who are usually feeling so Other,
quite well understood by the other,
while the room quieted and slowed around us
so that night the parting was necessarily temporary,
there still being depths to explore and so

we came back for more just a couple nights later
with ceaseless interchange until the wee hours
mingled with furtive glances and sipping on beverages
through his stories i saw his heart and
through his words i saw myself afresh
and i woke up the next morning giggling to myself
at the fragmented remembrances of that magical night

so then again we came back for more
as if compelled by some strange magnetism
this time there were kebabs and there were toads
and the expanse of acres and the wholesomeness of family
until the forces of nature pushed me home

then we came back for more again
this time with an urban campfire and uneaten marshmallows
with stories and ideas and self-exposure that night
a risk of vulnerability perfectly responded to then
finally i fell into bed with the exhaustion of this dream
warmed, but baffled and disbelieving at its duration

until, unavoidably perhaps,
we had to get things straight, to make fumblingly elegant attempts
to get our heads around this thing one can only call a Relationship but which
felt not so much like conscious pursuit as a surrender to our humanity
oh we tried not to let our minds trickle beyond
each swell and swoop of here-and-now movement and
into the uncharted territory called The Future
but we have to define these things, don't we?
we have to communicate our way into understanding
and often we settle on a name that packages it up tidily,
though we're not sure what the practical implications of that are
we try to use words to say things that aren't small enough
(or ripened enough?) to fit into those words
we do this because we thinking/analytical types can't help it
but then

then perhaps the mystery dies a little and the intrigue, too
and we startle into consciousness only to find
that the dream -- so vivid and precious and true --
is reduced to a blur, a fluke, a thing we're not sure of at all
its existence even called into question,
our ability to perceive feels vulnerable to be mistaken
we've no idea what bearing the dream has on our real life (if at all)

he was (is) is a worthy man, both dangerous and safe
and while my heart danced with his for those semi-conscious hours
i felt alive and connected and honored and hopeful
even if it was just a dream, the dream informed my heart
that its longings are alive and well and also beautiful
that it is lovely and worth digging for and that he
he is altogether more wonderful than i ever knew before

perhaps this will be a recurring dream
and if i dream just as often and consciously as i'm awake
eventually the dream will become the wakened state
i would like that

"some measure of audacity"

2008-08-29T11:37:00.002-04:00

Let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. - 2 Cor 7:1

Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a [peculiar] people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. - Titus 2:14

What kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming... since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him. - 2 Pet 3:11, 14

God is concerned with our holiness and our peculiarity and the two are not separate from one another. The nature of our peculiarity is to be holy. Holiness literally means a state of being set aside for noble purposes. It is first of all a quality of God and secondly a quality that He expects His children to exhibit.

"Personal holiness is a work of gradual development. It is carried on under many hindrances, hence the frequent admonitions to watchfulness, prayer, and perseverance" says Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary. It's this admonition to "continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" that Paul talked about (Phil 2:12-13).

So this theme of personal holiness has been coming up around me lately at Crossroads, in conversations with housemates, in books I've picked up this month, and in sermons I've been downloading. I think the church has downplayed the calling to be holy in the name of steering clear of legalism and/or desire to be approachable and relevant. I think this has been misguided at best and disastrous at worst. It allows us to go on about our business as though we're just the same as anyone else; it doesn't call us up and out, and therefore leaves us living with a vaguely dissatisfying but comfortable experience of being let off the hook. We think we want to be let off the hook, but deeper than that don't we all want someone to expect more from us and believe we're capable of it. More than that, scripture is pretty clear that good fruit is not separable from salvation; a branch that isn't bearing any will be cut off. In this way God's invitation to us to enter into His holiness is a gift of outstanding love, a mark of His desire to see us truly saved.

These are very partially digested thoughts, honestly. The Lord is still instructing me in this area. But I guess the most helpful epiphany I've had thus far is that there is a connection between being led by the Spirit and personal Holiness. Here is how I think it goes (and I am open to discussion and correction):

We're dead to the law and alive to the Spirit. The Spirit is a supernatural deposit of the Divine Person into the spirits of those who have given themselves to Christ and trusted in His death for their life. This Holy Spirit guides us into all truth, reminds us of the words of Christ, and comes upon us in key moments to move us into powerful action that results in transformation (we see this over and over again in Acts). Since we no longer live according to the law, but according to the Spirit (read Romans 8), the way into the Holiness that we are called to exhibit is through that Spirit. He is more concerned with our holiness and infinitely able to present us to the Father on the last day as one holy and blameless. We entrust our holiness to the Spirit and live in a state of perpetual communication with Him to so guide our actions and thoughts that we become the peculiar people we are called to be. So my task in seeking to be holy is not so much to arrive upon a set of standards and rules of actions to be avoided or engaged in; rather, the task is primarily to so commit myself to positioning my heart in sensitivity and obedience to the leading of the Holy Spirit, by whom I live. This then cannot become legalism because it operates outside of law and man-made rule that Paul so desperately wanted his churches to be free of. I cannot put my trust in my Holiness Code, but only in every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. I think in this way holiness is probably dynamic in its expression, leaving room to become all things to all people so that my all means some might be saved.

This brings me back to the title of this post, which is something Abbott Tony said to me a while back. We were on our way back from meeting with another group of folks who are interested in starting a prayer community in their area and they were throwing out ideas for where and how to meet that were not yet wild or reckless, but rather safe and conventional. Tony said something like, "I think they will quickly come to understand that in order to get people's attention with the good news of the gospel, there has to be some measure of audacity involved." Audacity, peculiarity, and outstanding in nature. And what better way to be peculiar and audacious than to dare holiness in a world like this one? Or, as Paul Washer (one of these so-called "Holiness Preachers") said, "The only way to be relevant is to be totally different than the world." We cannot expect to be like our agnostic neighbors in every way except a privately held doctrinal creed and see them excited and moved to right relationship with God by that.

God, infect me with holy audacity!!!!

ho·ly noun, plural -lies. –adjective

1.	specially recognized as or declared sacred by religious use or authority; consecrated: holy ground.

2.	dedicated or devoted to the service of God, the church, or religion: a holy man

au·dac·i·ty noun, plural -ties.

1.	boldness or daring, esp. with confident or arrogant disregard for personal safety, conventional thought, or other restrictions.

2.	effrontery or insolence; shameless boldness:

sabbatical month (overview)

2008-08-25T14:27:00.004-04:00

you are about to step into a virtual mosaic (in list form) of thoughts, images, and stories from the last few weeks of my life in which I have been traveling, resting, learning, etc. during our month-long sabbatical from the SBR:

A visit to Pittsburgh and my cousin danielle for one magical weekend that dragged up another layer of thoughts about identity and desires recovered
A week at Lake Michigan with most of my extended family, which was spattered with fun moments of pier jumping and distance swimming, dune wilderness exploring, interrogating the boyfriends of cousins, and mocking the musical fountain, as well as some great time with the Lord in the morning quietness of the dune grass
Listening to several sermons by teachers such as Paul Washer and Keith Moore, which are challenging and growing me
Attending my 10-Year Class Reunion at Lansing Christian, which was very small indeed, but it was great to see everyone
Making an unexpected re-connection with one of those old school chums (you know who you are) and being given the gift of a couple wonderful evenings lost in heart-warming conversation with him
Having several days holed up at the near-empty Boiler Room with Sarah and digging in deep to explore what the Lord is laying on our hearts, and the terrain of our emotional lives, and also having a couple girl dates together
A 10-day long Internet fast which broke open wells of vision and creativity in me
5 hours one afternoon of listening prayer with my Sarah and Sarah, at which point I think the Lord finally got some things through to me
Saw David off at a small going-away party before He moves to Bangalore
Countless friend dates
Settled into the new apartment, including some finishing decorative touches
Read several books: Unaccustomed Earth (Lahiri), Franny and Zoe (Salinger), The Spirit of the Disciplines (Willard), How We Are Hungry (Eggers), Making Room (Pohl), Travels with Charley (Steinbeck), and The Vine of Desire (Divakaruni)
Photographed a wedding and committed to doing another one in October
Endured the thwarting of plans for a trip to Chicago, but am thankfully able to see the wisdom in this
Slept in a great deal
Single-handedly drank far too many French presses of good coffee

Now I'll go through and put up a few smaller posts that go into further detail on some of these points.

not small at all

2008-08-15T10:44:00.000-04:00

when will i get it?
He will (and does) keep speaking it until i finally receive it
all the images He gives, and all the words
they are BIG
they are WILD
they are EXPANSIVE
blue-crested mountain tops
green-grassed bluffs over crashing waves
vast and quiet lakes adrift on a boat
open fields for twirling and dancing
(a distinct theme emerges)

AWAKE to this
to find that DREAMS are actually spiritual reality
this is who i am to Him, what He has for me
yet i'm so trapped in my smallness feelings
in my desires for smaller things
(as cs lewis said, i'm so busy making mud pies in the sand that
we can't understand the meaning of a vacation on the sea)

how can He move forward with me until
i know who I am
His battle in my life is primarily me
my own reticence
at belief

i'm beginning to believe it (finally?) that I'm called out of the status-quo american way, out of status-quo christianity (having some form of godliness but denying its power) and into grand and expansive territories. i wonder if my angst will still significantly upon just receiving this fact and living into it -- instead of consistently attempting to be quieted into ordinary life. you've made me "not normal" and you "get" my unique beauty. I don't know how to express this...

i remember many months ago telling a friend that there are these two strong and equally wholesome desires opposing one another within me (though at the time i think i felt one must surely be less wholesome than the other, now i see they are both God-given and the only question is which path is the path of obedience for ME): one is the desire to settle down, live a quiet life working with my hands, put down roots in a people and a place. the other is to fly -- to follow my wander lust and grand visions wherever they carry me.

as sarah pointed out last night, both are firmly scriptural. in the old testament God's repeated refrain to His people was that they should settle in the land and be fruitful and multiple there. But in the new testament, through paul, He begins urging His followers not to marry because the days are short and because that life divides energies much needed for the kingdom. he says the last days will be difficult, so be on guard (a virgin with her lamp lit, plus extra oil on hand). and Jesus commissioned his disciples to GO and make disciples, thereby nudging them into a sojourner lifestyle. so there's both.

fact is that very few people really have the inclination or capacity to forgo the typical track of marriage/home/family/job/hobbies, and to those of us who can see in ourselves the potential to take another trail: i wonder if He didn't put that there for good reason? to be one of the Radical Ones is to be weird and obscenely counter-cultural, yes. but it is also a privilege, a unique friendship with Jesus. and in prophetic words the Lord keep speaking vastness, wildness, and expansiveness over me, He keeps saying it like He's trying to beat it through my head: "you aren't small; you're a giant -- wake up and see!" this overwhelms me if i let it actually sink in.

is this me smack dab in the middle of spiritual boot camp -- preparation for a sending/filling i can't yet imagine? then form me, Father! prepare me, build me up in character and dependence on you, teach me your voice, strip me of vanity and envy and concern for being accepted by others. give me a bold voice and discernment and revelation, loosen my ties to the old world (debt, dead weight relationships, possessions, bring truth to my inmost parts. there is willingness in me to be sent, God, if I understand that such grandiose plans are what you are indeed speaking over me.

and to see you working this in my sisters too thrills me, God -- that you brought us together in unity of spirit and deep friendship is likely no accident at all. you'll place us each as "christian principalities" in your kingdom if we'll urge each other on in life and godliness and seek you together.

God, you're so in control, so wise. and i know i'm only seeking flickerings, just now considering taking expansive wildness as realities you may have in store. i am blow away. i'm not sure if this is even making any sense. so i just put myself in your hands and give you the offering of a willing spirit, humbly. make me awake.

Deut 32:11-12
Like an eagle that stirs up its nest
and hovers over its young,
that spreads its wings to catch them
and carries them on its pinions.
The LORD alone led him;
no foreign god was with him.

disconnecting internet

2008-08-14T09:58:00.003-04:00

Seems like when the internet gets disconnected – whether by choice or subjection to technological failings – creativity comes free. All those energies otherwise devoured in the gaping pit of cyber space begin pinging around like restless fireflies, seeking where they might bear their light. The corners where dust bunnies reside or the piles of dishes, these practical and physical cores, it might first undertake. But then it will surely move onto the quirky or creative to-do list I am convinced every person has scrolling through some central part of her brain. And on that to-do list there may be things, in no particular order, like:

Hang the MOMA mobile above the pappazan chair and adorn it with tattered clippings of significance only to you
Write a long and heart-opening letter (on paper) to that friend across the country who has become a confidant for reasons such as the security of created by his distance and the fact that he is a fellow dreamer and he will “get it"
Apply to your bedroom wall the brown and orange vinyl decals that you’re not entirely sure are really “you” but you were drawn to them for some reason, and besides that you paid for them, so they might as well go up
Piece together a new outfit of pieces old and new, which some may say don’t go together but because you are re-exploring your forgotten funk (the style you submerged to fit into the professional world for a number of years) you are willing to take the risks
Sit down to journal and find that instead what comes out in a slightly autobiographical and surprisingly good short story, the writing of which you were so immersed in that you didn't even notice three hours had passed
Put down on paper the first version of the downloaded dreams for your future: the one that the signs have been pointing to, the one composed of three seemingly unrelated ingredients, and find that what has just emerged is inspired and beautiful and quite possibly true
Spend nearly five hours practicing listening prayer with girlfriends in the garage, getting washed up in that spray of holy water that is the Holy Spirit (yes, this requires creativity and imagination)

And all of this feels rather lovely and certainly more life-giving than to have to look back over the day and realize that all you really did all day was stalk distance acquaintances whose actual lives have very little bearing on yours, perused through endless streams of photographs that then clogged your imagination with their potency, and reading the blogs of friends with whose writing and stories you play the comparison (sometimes this gives false pride and superiority, other times it breeds sad desperation).

So raise your glass and toast to the practice of occasional luddism and for the deep and neglected chambers it spreads out before you, waiting to be plumbed.

identity crisis

2008-08-12T10:27:00.001-04:00

All these cool characteristics I often wish were true of me (but you can't play at that stuff; it is or it isn't; anything not flowing from the heart of a person rings hollow and is not really beautiful at all): bohemian, artsy (making creativity in chaos), bright and bold, mismatched, musical, and nomadic.

i enjoy these things in other people and feel at home in their presence and expression, yet I don't live them personally. I'll think: it's too expensive, too late, too much, i'm too old, too dull... Or maybe its that i'm afraid that what'll come out'll be lame; that i haven't really got that creative energy in me; that i'll be on the outside of the outside.

i wonder if i were to choose to become what i most enjoy in others -- could it be genuine? could it be part of following Jesus (everything not from faith is sin?)

how did i become Pottery Barn in style, GAP in attire, inhibited in self-expression -- understated, earthy, clean-cut? is that other my alter-ego, my shadow side? is it something to enjoy but not to seek to own? "Seek first the kingdom" is the real heart of life, not "seek first authentic self-expression," right?

but here are some things He has put in me, though some may lay dormant:

a gravitational attraction to bohemian and hippie lifestyle
a liking of ethnic foods
a need for or comfortability with being unique, different, counter cultural
an ability to be very self-aware and introspective
the capacity to sit with people in the middle of their emotional messes
a love of books and learning through them
an eye for photography
a way with words; ability to communicate through written word
a skill for cooking deliciously and healthfully
no real need or desire for wealth or materialism
a sensitivity to the beauty and aura of physical spaces
magnetism towards green, brown, ivory, gray
low-maintenance self-care
long-standing, healthy friendships
a love of singing (though not usually in public)
a tendency toward melancholy and romanticism
a love of travel -- lingering, investigative, and non-touristy in nature
depth of wisdom and insight; intuitive knowing
genuine and authentic self expression

i'm beginning to ask these questions of how what He has put in me might tie into how He will call me or where He will use me. surely He made me the way that I am for purposes, to fill holes and roles that others unlike me cannot. surely He is not oblivious to the uniqueness of His daughter and if i will surrender all of this to Him for His redemptive purposes, something beautiful will be built of it.