small

my dear friend,

i think you will understand what i mean when i say that i feel small
how i felt small from that moment at
the counter beside my knight in shining armor
at the foodsmith, looking out over south division street
the truck loaded with all my earthly possessions in view
for the first time just the two of us, alone
with the image of all of you standing
on the porch of my recently left home
waving until we could no longer be seen
and i felt small
that is the only word i could come up with
to explain to him the tears
so he gathered me into his arms and kissed away my tears
even though everyone walking down the sidewalk could see
and he spoke over me words too private to write here
but they were the best words
and he is the best man

so now i have been in this new house approximately 36 hours
and i have this room with blue walls and an over-zealous heater
but i've been so very sick, almost from the start
with intestines turning themselves inside out and all my body aching
so that for all of yesterday i was in bed and couldn't nest a bit
(but, oh, how i had wanted to nest)
instead i laid there, sleeping, thinking, feeling numb
rachelann came and laid hands on me and prayed
she said that my spirit is warring with a great grief
that the sorrow of leaving home is taking on a bodily form
and i guess maybe she is right because i haven't been able to cry
haven't been able to emotionally connect with the enormity of
this uprooting

it is uprooting, but it is being replanted
it is goodbye, but it is hello
it was lasts, and now it is firsts
and when he came home from work yesterday
bearing applesauce, dried mango slices, kalmata olives
(food of for the sick) and flowers
then he just stayed by my side and rubbed my back
he reminded me how glad he is that i am here with him
and his presence is the best of all medicine
but coming into this new family sick, feverish, depeleted
with all my possessions scattered across the flat
(i just moved my entire life here, minus the bike, which would not fit)
and me too weak to be able to do anything about it
i feel small

i am not afraid like i used to get
not of being loved like this, nor of being committed
i have not had cold feet
i have not wanted anything other than this
than him

today i feel 80% better so
i got up and began a bit of unpacking
until the sadness slipped in
and i wondered where i was
where are my people
and he who is my home is not home
so i feel so very small

jenn had a word for me a while ago
to always remember that
God is my home
this three-fold family of Papa, Jesus, and Spirit
and wherever i go and whomever with, they are
home
and here everyone keeps telling me,
"welcome home"
but i have never left it

i am small and weak
and in that place He reminds me that
His grace is sufficient
and tenderness is a good stance for
encountering joy