free-write thursday

there are some days when i fail miserably at this business of being the royal priesthood that He has called me. and in the days following my offering to God of myself to be used however and with whomever He pleases, those are the days when i am short-tempered and irritable and everything inside me is screaming "get away from me because i can't stand you for another second" because they are drunk drunk drunk and talking like fools while we're trying to make sugar cookies in the kitchen or because they are pacing and wringing hands and generally following me around like puppy dogs needy for every ounce of attention they can squeeze out of me until my soul feels sucked dry. and they are compulsive liars who spin stories so severely distorted, contradictory and confusing that i want to grab them by the neck and say, "listen, i see through you, you are a fraud, would you cut the crap?" and then i shake my head and i think to myself, "i can't believe we used to live like this all the time."

but where is the attitude of christ in that? and what does that command to die to yourself and to lay down your life for the sake of the gospel play in? i fear i'm missing something here because inside i feel polluted and disgusting with the attitude i have until i'm forced to the emotional edge and i have to ask jenn if i can skip the love feast in order to go lay in bed a while and pray over myself, seizing in faith all the good things He's promised over me and all the fruit of the spirit that is more true about me than all the criticism, judgement, and irritation in me. and even though i walk away from such prayer sessions feeling often still low and oppressed, within hours or days he is always always faithful to answer, deliver, lift up.

how unworthy, how unworthy i am. and when mandolin tim was over yesterday morning and he was sharing his heart with me, which is repentance for him, he was talking about this prayer that they call the Jesus prayer, which simply says, "Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner." he was talking about praying it before he ever opens his mouth to speak or to act out of whatever goodness he thinks he may possess because we are always walking on holy ground and we are always that woman who agreed with Jesus when He said "the dogs don't get to eat the food from the table" and she was happy just to receive some crumbs, which He then gave. so while danny -- so anointed -- led us in worship i sunk into the lowliness that is a mercy-hungry state and i tried out the jesus prayer and things shifted in me again. namely, He became proper in perspective again. and there was all this singing about freedom -- my favorite song line "for it's only in Your will that I am free" -- which has always been to me about surrender. and would you believe me if i told you that at some point during worship i became conscious of a presence by my side, even though there were three empty seats between me and the next person, i could feel the presence like that of another body even though my eyes were closed. i thought to myself that i was worshiping alongside an angel and there i lay down my crown before the feet of that worthy and slain Lamb, singing holy holy holy along with the angel armies. and it was after that time of thick worship that grandma jan said, "i think we were worshiping with angels tonight" and i told her i think she's right.

you know that worshiping with my family here at the SBR is one of the sweetest pleasures i have ever known? it is. and there are other things, too, like the baking of cupcakes with chelsea in the kitchen and then delivering them to a few neighborhood houses just because. and there's the pleasure that i'm learning to lean into of seizing every opportunity to pray with others, boldy for healing and vision and whatever else is needed. you can't be afraid to ask, you can't be afraid of taking up too much room or annoying anyone. because people need people and where two or more are gathered jesus is there and the prayer of a righteous man really is powerful and effective. so if crystal comes to me and says, "i'm not sure if this is really anything, but i think i need to ask for prayer," that means we'll get it set up or do it on the spot and we'll hunker down and quiet ourselves before our Daddy to listen for His voice so that we can pray into His will and His heart for her and we trust that He will give her in that time exactly what is needed. period. because He makes zero mistakes and He is always good. it's time we start believing him.

i've been thinking about how i'd like to be salty. chelsea is salty to me. she can find you any scripture passage in about two seconds flat because she spends a lot of time surfing through the pages of her tattered, pen-marked Bible, and often she scribbles its verses down on index cards and other scraps of paper and carries them around with her everywhere. she can quote it all and apply it to any conversation; it just rolls right off her tongue like the most natural thing because she's hidden it in her heart. and i want to be like that. i want to have that word so near to me that i don't have to use the concordance in the back to find it and i don't have to grasp for my own words when i pray because the very words of God will be there instead.

there's this other thing that's got me thrilled, which is that tomorrow night, late, tim will be rolling into town and here he will remain until sometime monday, which is one of the sweetest things i can imagine. the anticipation of seeing his face and holding his hand and being held in his embrace is enough to put me in tears. because this man is like home home home to me, more and more all the time, and i sometimes stand in stunned disbelief that Papa loves me that much; that He loves me tim-sized. so i don't even know what we'll do and i don't particularly care, except that at one point we'll go to a family gathering to celebrate a new kitchen and let the family look tim over to be sure he is suitable (an examination he will undoubtedly pass).

in other news...

do you know that jamie and i threw a dinner party for the girls at The Other Way this week? they got a bit dressed up and we set a long table and made them an italian feast to eat. and they loved it. they loved it. they are princesses and they are learning to know God's heart in such a way that one day soon they will move through this world like women who always had a perfect and loving dad (which in the earthly realms they have not had at all), with all the grace, self-value, assurance, and stability that bestows. and they're in the school of prayer because they're practicing crying out to Him to show Himself to them. they're amazing.do you know that also this week the whole SBR crew headed down to U of M to join them in their 40 Days of Prayer event and to facilitate a conversation about prayer as lifestyle? and in that prayer room i prayer napped and also interceded for campuses and all of this is a foreshadowing of sorts because campuses and i are going be getting a lot more familiar in the upcoming year (which is a separate blog post for another day).

mostly this is about this: i am my Beloved's and He is mine.

and that's about all she wrote.
for now.