my writing has gone underground, i think, into more private spheres -- the privacy of my journal, which i no longer feel compelled to type up the contents of, and the exchange of emails and letters one-on-one. i think this feels appropriate to me for a season.
but here are some things (10) for blogging, in no particular order.
1
some of my favorite moments involve food.
food and relationship are often so tied up into one package. last night we did a late-night intern run to meijer for ice cream (Beyer's was on sale 2/$5!), then sat down to consume it together, laughing, some of us with Nestle Quik as topping. we did this as a way of reunifying and decompressing after a difficult interaction with a couple of our neighborhood friends, for whom we are so burdened. yesterday afternoon danny (previously danmike) and i sat a few hours at Bite downtown and shared a smoothie and a mint mocha and had some brother-sister heart-to-heart time, which warmed up my insides and inspired my spirit. and on wednesday, tracy brought by a pasta dish and stuffed peppers just cos she wanted to, after Sarah had prayed for someone to bring us dinner that night. a few friends were over and well all clustered in the kitchen relishing that provision together. (btw, the picture is of my favorite breakfast these days)
2
do you know that my abbess is one of the
funkiest proverbs 31 women i know? she shows me this in all sorts of ways all the time, like how she can even look groovy in her geometric-patterned apron when she comes to borrow butter for her blueberry muffin recipe. this morning when doing breakfast dishes in her kitchen, she used Sigur Ros, turned up loud, to bounce her four children into chore action. within seconds, these well-conditioned young ones were setting table, carrying fire wood, and loading up the compost heap all to the tune of that lovely icelandic wonderland music. if i could be a little bit like her when i grow up, i'd love that.
3
the other day i asked the Lord what i was doing here at the boiler room and do you know what He said to me? He said,
"I wanted to show you family." this is not what i was expecting to hear because you'd better believe that what
I thought i was there for was something far more altruistic and glamorous. i was there to do great things for the poor, primarily. not to learn how to participate in a family. but isn't it just like Him to show me whose who? He repeatedly reminds me that what i think a thing is about is not really at all what it's about and often when i think i'm taking care of people/things, He's taking care of ME. i am a wife, a mother, a big sister, and a daughter all wrapped up in one. here there is family with relationships rightly ordered, with Christ firmly and undeniably placed at center. we're the constellation in His orbit. so maybe before i thought i could heal all my family mis-perceptions and wounds through loads of intensive talk therapy, but i'm seeing that just being here in this family is healing me much more speedily and effectively than all of that.
4
tonight i am going to a college retreat... as
a leader/mentor, not as a college student attendee. this makes me feel... old. i am taking my cues on how to go about this thing not from any leadership trainings or counselor eduction courses, but rather from the example of abbot and abbess, who lead by surrendered transparency. they lay their lives and hearts open before us and assume that somehow in doing so we'll gain something from it. which we have and we do and we will continue to. i don't want to try to step into some sort of role or put on a hat here, i think it's best for me to just remain who i am, without posing at all, even if it seems un-leader-like. i did sit down and make a list of all the things i've experienced or wrestled with in my life thus far and that list is considerable. and i don't have to try to manufacture wisdom, because the fact is that the seasoning process that i've been through with the Lord produces naturally-occurring wisdom that will show itself correct by its children. i fear that this isn't making sense right now because i haven't found adequate words for it yet.
5
jesus died for my forgiveness and freedom, yes, and also my joy.
His heart is for my joy to be complete (john 3:29 and 16:24). i have trouble giving into the joy... it's like i think that though Jesus can handle and asks for some of my emotions (like all my burdens, sorrows and fears), that somehow my joy, hope, and expectancy are too much for him, or not pleasing to Him. so i sometimes fight it when there's a big influx of those emotions in me in response to a gift i've been given. as if it's dangerous or inappropriate to go there. but then i felt like yesterday, as i kneeled by the cross, He was saying "I died for that, too. I want you to give me that, too." and i cried with joy and that was my offering of thanks to Him. I hope he picked up on that.
6
i had been praying for a while for another
guy intern to pop up at the boiler room, but until recently there were absolutely zero prospects. there were guys around -- and good, godly ones -- but about none of them was there a sense of their indispensable or undeniable need to be here with us in that role. until michael waltzed onto the scene, recently returned from Hill Song in Australia, now enrolled at Cornerstone, and having met danny through the worship team at church. and he was sucked into this family with all the force of a black hole, only friendlier. his inability to stay away from here reminded me of how Sarah and i were in the early days. and it was just made official that he gets to join us here as an intern, starting next month. i love this kid. and he is quickly becoming my partner in crime.
7
shopping list: q-tips, laundry detergent, natural deodorant, and socks. soon. also, ingredients for curry for sunday's dinner.
8
had to cancel
The Beauty Project II due to lack of momentum and a catch in the spirit. i know this is the right decision and i'm pretty even-keeled about it. will continue to seek His face about how, when, if to do it some other day in the future.
9
i realized also this week that i am incredibly
energized by hanging out with my street-dwelling friends. when i get an opportunity to sit and converse with one of them, or have them for dinner, serve them coffee, or visit them in jail and hospital (as has been happening lately), something in me comes alive and glowy for the remainder of the day. i wonder what this is all about?
10
i went to counseling school and it sucked my soul. whatever natural anointing i may have had to being a container for people's messiest emotions, for entering into pain with people and speaking hope and life into those dark places without judgement... well, i feel like it all got lost in the fray of strict boundaries, heaps of "documentation," ethical guidelines, and insistence that a counselor must be a blank slate with no moral convictions. it's like a natural artist going to art school and finding that in the attempt to conform to technique and propriety, they lose the heart of it. then they have to spend the next several years reclaiming their art form, which often means going back to what it was when it was raw and not yet tidied up. i feel like this is what is happening for me.
end
i just want to say that with Him there is always more and
