worst fear

i'm hoping it's a good sign: my worst fear these days is simply that i might somehow lose Jesus.
that's the worst thing i can imagine. it's the worry that gnaws at me.
when i can't feel him, when he seems far away or inaccessible, i ache.
i know He wouldn't want me to worry about that...
("Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you" and "Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the ages," He said)
but for me this is the beginning of the Fear of God
and slowly, almost imperceptibly, it's crowding out fear of man
(or cellulite or singleness or poverty or sickness or hunger or persecution)

six shorts having nothing in common but love

1.
how i love a love feast
all God's children tramping through the yard
these are Your treasures, God
right here in our field
I'll dig for 'em, God
keep 'em comin'
this is your Kingdom in
the back yard

2.
its such a joy to me to make
good food with my own two hands
and with it feed so many ragamuffin friends

3.
in this family i feel like a wife
provided for
financially
emotionally
spiritually
led, nurtured, protected
also depended on
indispensable
called to live sacrificially
and i like how this feels and
i want to keep on being a wife
in one way, shape, or form
from now on
(proverbs 31 style)

4.
sometimes i see my friends having
their socks blessed right off
these really specific prayers for
outrageous things, but still they ask
and God delivers
and they hold their hands open,
glee across their faces,
and receive
this thing i know: that i am a clumsy receiver
this thing i fear: that God doesn't love me as much as them
so there's some work to be done in me here

5.
God mentioned to me the other day
that if i'm looking for a younger woman
to disciple and pour into
that she should be chosen first of all
because she is someone i
enjoy
connect with
believe in
NOT because i think she
has a need that I feel I can meet
(and this was a light bulb moment for me)

6.
i confess to
a great deal of waiting
for his next few lines of text 'cos
somehow his words never fail
to elate or intrigue me
this email conversation
is companionable
it is not dramatic or
even deep; it is the
gradually
unfolding
intimacy
of small things

here is something very good

'round here
i am told daily
(sometimes multiple times a day),
"i love you"
and i am embraced
by many hands

that's no small thing

(sketch by Chip Youmans)

yesterday a terrible thing happened

yesterday, only a day after his return from rehab,
a terrible thing happened

he said we are all wrong
we have effectively alienated "the least of these"
we have been like Ananias and Sapphira
we have made ourselves into something unacceptable
and we are being punished for it
he said that Jesus told him all of this
he said that therefore he could have nothing to do with us

he was vodka drenched when he said this
and he was talking in circles of contradiction
one minute condemning and judging
the next minute self-abasing

and you know we spent the entire afternoon
talking him down, talking it through,
trying to cover his shame with grace
at the same time trying to discern
whether his words were prophetic or demonic
chip and tony and dm warred for him
taking car keys away
following him into the family pantry sphere
risking fights
i was so proud of them

but when we sat down for our evening "church"
i wept tears of bitterness, anger, grief
because this is a terrible thing that's happened
and i'm not sure i can do this with him one more time
and he hit some of my vulnerable spots with his accusations
and i have to break off false guilt, shame, condemnation
and declare to the heavenlies that only before Jesus do i (we)
stand or fall
and He is welcome to expose and convict if i have acted wrongly

but the conviction of Jesus is first of all gentle
secondly unmistakably clear
and thirdly accompanied by empowerment for repentance
(none of this came along with his words)

and then apart from all that there's the fact that
i love this man
for some reason, he's burrowed a tunnel down
into my heart and
when he falls and when he gets up
my own body falls and rises in parallel

so much of brokenness

i want to say this:
that i trust the Lord's leadership in our community
i trust his guidance in my life
and i also want to say that before any of this even went down
the Lord prepared my heart by reminding me
that He's been in this and among us and
He alone is my (our) judge

so He does not forget us
(none of us)

he didn't stay and he hasn't come back
and i'm not sure that he will or that he can
none of his tirade was about his criticisms, really
what it was about was that
he is terrified to let himself be loved and
enveloped into a family that
will not let him off the hook
and will not let him go

A Few Photographic Highlights

1. i went on another west side photo walk with sarah jayne and cassie today. two different groupings of neighbors stopped me and asked me to take their photo! so i did, of course, and now they've been sent to print and i'll deliver them to these new neighbor friends as soon as they arrive in the mail. (i'm wondering if this might become one of those ways that i can initiate relationship with our neighbors from now on?) here are the neighbors we met. pray for the kingdom to come to their homes.
2. took some "senior portraits" of sarah jayne because she never before had any properly done. yes, she graduated from her home-schooling program 10 years ago, but it's never too late for this sort of thing.
3. marv is home. just got off the bus from gaastra today. he seems good. real good. i'm glad to have him home again.

we inhabit this city

Joshua 1:14-15 - Your wives, your children and your livestock may stay in the land that Moses gave you east of the Jordan, but all your fighting men, fully armed, must cross over ahead of your brothers. You are to help your brothers until the LORD gives them rest, as he has done for you, and until they too have taken possession of the land that the LORD your God is giving them. After that, you may go back and occupy your own land.

We've already been brought into the promised land and we're citizens of this upside-down Kingdom of God. But just like the "fighting men" of Joshua's day, we can't stay put, in complacent peace about our security there... we are to "help our brothers until the Lord gives them rest" too. The promise is not just for us and ours, but for this whole neighborhood, this whole city.

Jeremiah 29:4-6 - "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper."

Because we're citizens of another kingdom, we're exiles here in this city, too. But we are to tie up our welfare in the welfare of our neighborhood. Our shalom will be in direct proportion to theirs and "if it prospers, we too will prosper." We're not to be clannish and separate, but engaged with these neighbors of ours.

What does this look like for us, as Children of God and heirs to the Kingdom, living on the west side of Grand Rapids, MI? Teach me, God.

drizzly days

it's been raining for three days straight. i think i like it. it's all cozy like. a drizzly rain is good for jogging in, for vegging out in sweat pants in, for doing introverted hobbies in, for drinking hot tea in. it makes for a certain quietness.

so i've been taking advantage of this forced indoor time to unapologetically indulge in some activities i would otherwise feel i oughtn't do, or wouldn't take the time to do. like...

• writing long, thoughtful emails and eagerly awaiting the replies
• downloading new presets and features to enhance my Adobe Lightroom
• studying the photography of other artists for inspiration
• listening to teachings by Tim Keller about loving and living in the city
• doing all the application paperwork for my new volunteer job
• assembling paperwork for establishing myself as a sole proprietorship
• watching movies (Spanglish) and drinking wine (Cabernet)
• general day-dreaming

tonight for dinner i'll make a veggie bake and brown rice for everyone. it will be simple and nourishing. it will warm our insides.

and tomorrow, if the sun comes back out, i'm contemplating some purposeful prayer walking around the neighborhood.

that's about it. pretty quiet around here, friends.

love and the cost of discipleship

lately, this following of Jesus has been feeling hard, and He has been seeming like a cruel task-master. it's been feeling burdensome and annoying to follow Him, and i've been craving normalcy, a return to comfortable Christianity and cheap grace.

and i thought this was because of honest intellectual doubts and theological uncertainty.

until He smoked me with this, midway through a reading of the book of Luke,

"You don't believe that I want to bless you."

busted.

no, God, I don't. i confess that i don't really believe that you actually want to bless me. somewhere along the line i've lost touch with your heart, like a wife whose forgotten that her husband loves her and suddenly she's no longer sure why she's fighting to keep up that marriage.
discipleship feels costly only to the disciple who has lost touch with her rabbi's heart for her.

'cos when you really GET it... that he wants to bless you... then you remember what you're gaining; you remember what you're fighting for.

so, Jesus, your wife here needs to be reminded. she needs to be wooed and desired and pursued and all the rest. she needs a bouquet of wild flowers and a heart-to-heart; she needs to lay a while with her head in your lap and your fingers in her hair. she needs you to whisper sweet nothings into her ear.

this has far less to do with having intellectual questions answered or theological confusions clarified. it is far, far more personal.

love me!

hospitality in three words

these three words are my (our) new mantra for the Best Practices of Hospitality:

invitational - to seek others out and request their presence at our table. this is an intentional act of service. a guest is invited into the entire process, from setting the table to helping wash the dishes.

relational - the person is being invited in not merely to consume food but also to partake in the network of social relationships that exists in our home. in this way, the guest is being connected to people in a give and take way in which both parties become better acquainted with one another.

civilized - when practicing hospitality to guests who are used to living in a hurried and often times survival manner, we offer a slice of rest, shelter and dignity, by slowing down the pace, sitting around a table that is set, passing dishes family style, etc.

this has been beautiful to watch unfold, though it's only been a week so far that we've been operating with these guidelines. it's amazing to see what happens. a man who spends most of his day drunk on the corner showers up, tucks in his shirt, and shows up with several hours sobriety under his belt. another lingers in the kitchen making small talk about work and family while we cook, then offering to take out the trash after the meal is past.

if dinner is drawing near and we haven't yet any guests, one of us will do a quick walk around the block seeing who we can round up. we want guests nearly every night. we want guests from whom we cannot expect to receive anything in return. we want our world widened by their presence. we want their hearts warmed by our attentive care for them.

i want to practice hospitality well because i think it makes Jesus smile.

creativity, characters & music

1

i think it would be great to be creative (one who creates things)
because creativity is brave it is
coloring outside the lines and
forming something out of pieces previously unreconciled
and i would like for people to believe in me about this
capacity i sometimes doubt is there,
but if they can see it and invite it out to play
that would give some life to me

2

i wrote character sketches
of all my house mates
plus abbot and abbess
and read them aloud to the girls
at breakfast
just for fun
(and because i want to learn to be a writer)
they are telling it like it is,
but also deeply affectionate
i love these clowns so much
but they are clowns

3

i don't do well with music
i am always telling people this
("i'm a musical retard," i'll say)
i don't know how to hear it and
i have no vocabulary to name or describe it, and
besides all that, i'm prone to sensory overload (noise)
music is not noise, i know, but it is, too
but then he made me some mixes to live by
one for rest, one for joy and
also he's been sending along other songs
and i am drinking them up with
more appreciation than i knew i had in me
and music, well, it moves your
emotional and mental landmarks around
like pieces on a chess board
oh, look what happens when you combine
yearning with a soaring epic swell of sound
or when you pair hopeful expectation with
beating, pounding, erratic rhythm
this gets really interesting

A New Rhythm

I'm going to go ahead and get detail-oriented here, because if I were you, I would be a bit curious about "A Day In The Life" of an SBR intern.

6 am -- morning prayer (everyone in our core community attends)
7 am -- breakfast as a core community
8 am -- chore hour
9 am -- open our doors for hospitality hours (until noon)
12 pm -- noon prayer (open)
1 pm -- lunch, rest, personal quiet time
3 pm -- open doors for hospitality hours (until 9 pm)
5 pm -- meal prep
6 pm -- evening meal (each day 2-3 guests or strangers from neighborhood and wider community will be invited to join us)
8 pm -- evening prayer (everyone in core community attends usually)
9 pm -- close down and wind down
10 pm -- bedtime (God willing)

I and every other intern will be on-call and available on the premises for a total of about 15-20 hospitality hours per week. During this time, we're available for fellowshipping/praying/

relationship-building with anyone who might stop by (e.g., students from nearby Grand Valley, our hobo friends, neighbors, friends of the ministry). When there aren't people to tend to, I'll be reading, cleaning up around the house, working on photography and art projects, organizing/straightening, etc.

In addition to this daily rhythm, we will be having weekly Love Feasts (Wednesday nights at 6 pm, open for all!) and Toast (which is our name for our Simple Church). I'll also be involved in a weekly women's group centered on listening/healing prayer and study about the holy spirit, a weekly discipleship group with my fellow female interns, weekly discipleship time with my abbess, and hopefully some volunteer work with a nearby ministry to the west side called The Other Way. We'll be taking sabbath on Saturdays (Boiler Room closed).

We'll be hosting pilgrims from other Boiler Rooms for a week in October, taking retreats/pilgrimages ourselves (quarterly), filming for a short documentary of the SBR, going to author talks, having a small writing group (Sundays at 6:30 pm), weeks of 24-7 Prayer (every 6 weeks, first one begins 9/26)) and the annual boiler room conference in the spring. Personally, I'm planning on a couple cooking classes, as well as a repeat of The Beauty Project (back by popular demand). I'd also like to start more intentional discipleship of a couple younger women this year.

A Rhythm or Rule of Life, when done well, should give one a sense of being able to breath within its flexible walls, and that is exactly how I feel about this pattern we'll be keeping. It builds in the Spiritual Disciplines and also urges us into finding our unique missional niches within its framework. There's room to grow here in every sense of the word. And perhaps what excites me the most is that it reminds me a whole lot of how I imagine Jesus might have spent a day.

At the roots of this is a deep desire and dedication in the heart of every member of this community to love God well and to have the outflowing of that be sacrificial love and service to our neighborhood.

What He Said

the Lord dealt with me today...

He said:
let Me ambush you,
give Me rein to hijack your life,
let Me lead you to places and relationships you don't expect
and be open to the fact that those places and people
might not be among the poor, living in intentional community in the 3rd world
as you had envisioned it/they would be
i know this was the image in your mind's eye
every time you've sung songs to Me about surrender
but, you see, as long as you're holding to that (any) particular image
you are not really surrendering at all, are you?
stop judging others for taking paths that don't look like yours
and leave room for the fact that I might not leave you on this path forever,
the path you think is The Answer and The Way
because all that I really want from you
all that I have ever really wanted from you
is your heart and you tucked in My pocket
you could live eternity among the poor and downtrodden but
if you're doing it in pursuit of specialness, uniqueness, or identity
it is only filthy rags to Me, daughter
but as long as you are intent on My voice and bent on obedience to My Spirit
I will lead you to places you have not known,
which could be just as easily into marriage as singleness
(marriage would be hard for you, but you need to be willing to go there
also, I might not choose the mate that seems to fit your carefully maintained identity
or the 10-year plan you've laid out in light of your supposed spiritual enlightenment)
I might be just as likely to send you into the middle-class suburban sprawl you dread
as into the poor and humble communities you romanticize
will you leave Me room to bless you?
will you allow yourself to rejoice in the gifts I give to you
even when they aren't congruent with your thoughtfully constructed self-image
or with your ideas of what is right and best and most admirable?
will you trust your heart because I am in it?
when you tell Me you'll give Me "all you are and have and ever hope to be"
I want you to leave the particulars of this open for interpretation
you shall not make a God out of any vision, dream, or spiritual vocation,
ideal mate, special identity, or anything else
because I AM your God and there shall be no other

that's what He said
(well, I paraphrased a bit, but that's the gist of it)

beginning SBR again

so it's that time again, she thought
and she wasn't without fear and trembling
today we opened our doors again
and let the whole world walk through if they want to
(and they do want to; i know because
they've been still plopping themselves down on
our empty, closed-door stoop or the empty yard
they've been taking our produce from the midnight garden
and doing drive-by investigations)
and a lot of those citizens of the world will
receive from us dinners, prayers, and
various other need-meeting favors
and we, in exchange will have
a few colorful tales, at the least
a few life transformations to witness, at most

this entire life is a counter-cultural experiment
this past month's been counter-cultural in
the transcendence above the rat race,
the freedom to rest deeply and guiltlessly, and
the simplicity of lingering in the deep places
now comes that other counter-cultural feat
of sharing, laying down, dying, pushing
to the limits of my natural capabilities,
survival probably possibly only if
i reckon with the grace of God fresh
each and every [6 am] morning
and again with the last breath of the day
(and hopefully we'll still, by some miracle
remain above the rat race and lingering in
the deep places)

saddle up

(***this photo is Sarah Jayne and Chip fellowshipping with our neighbors Jeremy and Jen after our cook-out dinner together today)

last week i dreamed a man

though she said i should see him coming
still i was blindsided by him because
i thought i already knew him
yet i was right away plastered to him by the force of intrigue,
fluttered by his simple gestures of thoughtfulness, his presence
and there was something undeniable taking shape in
the space between us which felt inevitable and gracious and
invited us both into the no-man's land between us
to dance to some otherworldly music
(it's timing was perfect, it (he) found me
in the rare form that i can be found in
only when i've been caught of guard)

so through the languor of several glasses of wine
and in the context of people who are roots in our shared history
we offered one another small gifts of story and thoughts and feelings,
intuitively knowing the other's trustworthiness,
and finding ourselves, who are usually feeling so Other,
quite well understood by the other,
while the room quieted and slowed around us
so that night the parting was necessarily temporary,
there still being depths to explore and so

we came back for more just a couple nights later
with ceaseless interchange until the wee hours
mingled with furtive glances and sipping on beverages
through his stories i saw his heart and
through his words i saw myself afresh
and i woke up the next morning giggling to myself
at the fragmented remembrances of that magical night

so then again we came back for more
as if compelled by some strange magnetism
this time there were kebabs and there were toads
and the expanse of acres and the wholesomeness of family
until the forces of nature pushed me home

then we came back for more again
this time with an urban campfire and uneaten marshmallows
with stories and ideas and self-exposure that night
a risk of vulnerability perfectly responded to then
finally i fell into bed with the exhaustion of this dream
warmed, but baffled and disbelieving at its duration

until, unavoidably perhaps,
we had to get things straight, to make fumblingly elegant attempts
to get our heads around this thing one can only call a Relationship but which
felt not so much like conscious pursuit as a surrender to our humanity
oh we tried not to let our minds trickle beyond
each swell and swoop of here-and-now movement and
into the uncharted territory called The Future
but we have to define these things, don't we?
we have to communicate our way into understanding
and often we settle on a name that packages it up tidily,
though we're not sure what the practical implications of that are
we try to use words to say things that aren't small enough
(or ripened enough?) to fit into those words
we do this because we thinking/analytical types can't help it
but then

then perhaps the mystery dies a little and the intrigue, too
and we startle into consciousness only to find
that the dream -- so vivid and precious and true --
is reduced to a blur, a fluke, a thing we're not sure of at all
its existence even called into question,
our ability to perceive feels vulnerable to be mistaken
we've no idea what bearing the dream has on our real life (if at all)

he was (is) is a worthy man, both dangerous and safe
and while my heart danced with his for those semi-conscious hours
i felt alive and connected and honored and hopeful
even if it was just a dream, the dream informed my heart
that its longings are alive and well and also beautiful
that it is lovely and worth digging for and that he
he is altogether more wonderful than i ever knew before

perhaps this will be a recurring dream
and if i dream just as often and consciously as i'm awake
eventually the dream will become the wakened state
i would like that