A Collection of Musings

1.

I moved here to join a gentle revolution in an upside-down kingdom,
To have my heart turned inside-out as I stand witness to the transformations
Of shattered lives and bruised spirits made whole because of Jesus
This is the noble idealism, the spiritual vision that propelled me forward
But here the rubber meets the road with the endless
Good Will drop-offs and junk truck pick-ups and
Packing things for storage and packing things for the new house and
Then moving it all up and down flights of stairs
Then paying my workers with food and my trucks with expensive gas

Somehow in the middle of all this flurry of activity and attention to logistics
I have lost touch with The One who makes it all make sense
And that is Jesus, of course, and I miss Him so
So that this morning in church, as I felt the Holy Spirit descend on that place,
The tears came hot and easy down my cheeks, water-marking the lenses of my glasses
They had been lingering there just below the surface waiting for a safe time to be released
And what safer place is there than in His presence?
He let me see Him this morning in my mind’s eye and in this vision
He was holding me against his chest, very near, and there it was all absolutely okay
And so I cried
There is no other appropriate response

You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle.
Psalm 56:8

2.

Only one day I have lived here
Not even 48 hours yet, by my watch
And so I get lost on the way to the bathroom
Take a wrong turn on the way to the bedroom
I forget in which drawer the silverware is kept
And there is still this feeling that I should be going home soon
Only home is where I already am
While across town there is a spacious but dusty wood-floored apartment
Inhabited only by trash bags, a vacuum cleaner, and a pair of homeless cats
A house that was at one time home but
Now is just empty space with a few ghosts wandering through

3.

There are girls here, four of them
Plus the random friends and strangers who crash a night on the couch
The orange-red futon couch mostly, but there is another, too
This morning two girls jumped on my bed to say good morning
And there was constant traffic in and out of the bathroom
While eye-liner pencils and clothing were shared and
We attempted to coordinate cars to go to church
This all feels vaguely like summer camp –
The close quarters, the sharing, the giggling,
The friendliness with people who are nearly strangers only
For now you are going to bond or die, living and working and eating together
Always together until sweet sisterhood is forged in that fire

4.

“This is work worth doing,” she often says
As she sweeps a hand across the landscape that God’s created here
A landscape marked with booze-infused neighbors and
Hungry grasping souls not yet aware of that hunger
“This is the greatest joy we have ever known, living here,” she said
In the Grand Rapids Press article a few weeks back
An article that highlighted the novelty that this community is --
a sexy and fascinating undertaking that deserved a little press
I live here now and this is no longer a neat little social experiment that
I can sometimes pop my head in on and then go home when I’ve tired
I live here and my lot has been thrown in with it, come what may
I am committed to the messy incarnation of Jesus here
And clinging to the conviction that her words about it are true:
It is work worth doing and
It is the greatest joy I have yet known

5.

She is in her room laughing in that charmed and amatory way
That a woman does when she is in the presence of the man who quickens her heart
As I listen, a gnawing hunger rises up in my belly because
I am hungry for this secret laughter
For the man that can bring it out of me

All Moved In

Come on by and see us! We'll have coffee and/or tea for ya.

foreshadowing

written on 12/29/07:

it is all detour and distraction -- the family drama, the issues with ____ (and maybe even the whole relationship), the lust for camera equipment, and the questioning of my identity.
it is dust. it is devil. it must die.

i just spent well over an hour reading the blog for the Stockbridge Boiler Room, which was begun by old COS friends Jenn and Tony, who took very literally the call to live like Jesus -- missionally, dependant, grateful, messy... holy. Jenn is an amazing writer and I love her photographs, but Abba Father, it all made me want to PRAISE You. it lights up my soul with wonder and pleasant disbelief that You are working in these ways in this, my world, in Your people. And the thought of selling my possessions and going to live missionally among the poor sounds beautiful and alluring -- life-giving.

surely You are -- and have been -- calling me into more fullness of life, even though fullness might look really differently than i expect it to. if this uprising of funky radical young people for Jesus is just another trend or spiritual fad, let me run from it and back to the balanced moderation of my current Christian life. but if it is Yours -- if it is Your Spirit indwelling and infusing this movement and revolution, than I want on board! like i want to speak in tongues and have homeless women sleep on my couch -- things I never expected that i would want.

sarah said something to me the other day about how i tend to go back to reasoning and academic faith because it is too hard to believe the news that is too good to be true -- that You are alive and moving and life-giving and healing and redeeming and miraculous and husband and father -- You cannot be nailed down by theory and theology and You give your Kingdom to little children -- the foolish. so all my education and intelligence don't matter so much here, do they? Your work does not require these small things and if not submitted, they will only get in the way. upside-down kingdom indeed.

what would it look like for me to live into this new thing You are doing? what still needs healing and changing in me? what can i do now? what need i to shed? which dreams need to get bigger and which smaller?

Maybe an Abbess

I think I would like to someday be an Abbess of a Boiler Room.
I want to live inside this framework of intentional, missional 24/7 Prayer Communities.
Maybe for the rest of my life.

Because the DNA of this movement is the closest approximation of how I read Jesus and the prophets of anything else I've encountered so far.
So I would like to buy real estate here.

Because listening to Joe Steinke expound upon the vision, development, and leadership of these intentional communities (one of which I blessedly get to inhabit for the next year of my life),
I sat on the edge of my seat, body tense with wholly engaged interest, scribbling notes and
Trembling a little with desire.

Maybe I'm speaking prematurely.
I'll await His Word on this.
In the meantime, you better believe I'll be soaking up as much spirit and instruction this year under the mentoring of my Abbess Jenn as I possibly can.
I'll be a verifiable sponge.

And, by the way, God, I would like to have an Abbot alongside me if You call me into this for the long haul. Please.

don't surrender your loneliness

Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly. Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you
As few human or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice so tender,
My need of God
Absolutely clear.

(Hafiz, Persian poet mystic)

liminal

I'm sitting at my desk drinking cold coffee out of a plastic cup and nibbling on a bar of dark chocolate and all around me are boxes -- some full, others still empty and waiting to be filled with the cargo they will bear. Since packing up the kitchen last night (or at least all that can be packed up until we procure newspapers to wrap the glassware), the transient nature of my time in this space is pressing into reality. The kitchen, the framed photographs, and the books, these are the equivalent of home to me. Now they're all packed up and out of site. So this is final, then.

Heather and I were talking last week about what Richard Rohr, in His amazing book Everything Belongs, calls Thresholds, or liminal space. It is a place of being neither here nor there, but in the doorway between two rooms, positioned so that you can see completely into neither the room from whence you just came nor the room into which you are about to step. Sometimes we stay on these thresholds, waiting to be born, for quite some time.

Liminal space, therefore, is a unique spiritual position where human beings hate to be but where the biblical God is always leading them. It is when you have left the "tried and true" but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else. It is when you are finally out of the way. It is when you are in between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. It is no fun. Think of Israel in the desert, Joseph in the pit, Jonah in the belly, the three Marys tending the tomb.

This romance with the SBR -- and the Jesus it takes its shape from -- has been a whirlwind and so in some ways I haven't been sitting so long on this threshold at all. In a way I wish that I could have a little more time here, in this empty apartment and shifting heart, to master the art of bringing the fullness of my presence to this tenuous and uncertain time. But maybe this threshold started months ago, as I spent spring and summer cocooned in the safety of deep intimacy with Jesus, knowing that my only task for that season was to be close to Him and to trust Him. Looking back, it's remarkable how a few months can feel like a thousand years; how last April can feel like two lifetimes ago because in me and around me things are irreversibly and deeply different. We learn the most in the threshold places, Rohr says. I can see this. It isn't finished.

I say goodbye to you hardwood wood floors, abundant windows, and shaded screen porch. Goodbye to walking route, which passes Martha's Vineyard and the green space at Fountain and Eastern. Goodbye to purple house-next-door and the drumming that came through the dark nights from the house across the street. Goodbye to spacious kitchen cabinets filled with culinary tools and autumnal-colored living room strewn with throw pillows and tapestries. Goodbye to solitary moments in the company of quiet music and the coos of morning doves. Goodbye to four years of ghosts wandering through the rooms of this place, speaking your words, crying your tears, and laughing with aching sides. Goodbye to you American Dream of 40-hour work weeks, regular paychecks, health insurance and 401ks. Goodbye to certainty and security and the illusion that I have any control or authority over my days. Goodbye.

And in the spirit of a true liminal space, I don't exactly know what I'm saying hello to; I don't know what's in the next room. I know some things: I know that I'm throwing in my lot with a small assortment of folks that will take on familial roles in my life. I know that I'm moving to a smallish apartment with three other women on the West Side of Grand Rapids. I know that I will be living from the hand of God and the support of those who believe in what's happening at the SBR. Yes, I know some of these things. But there is a great deal of unknowing, too. What cadence and rhythm my days will take, what will unfold in my heart as I lay open before Jesus and these friends, or what paradigms will be altered or abandoned, and who I will be when I emerge on the other side of this year-long commitment... these things I cannot foreknow.

Nor do I think He intends for me to know. I think prematurely arriving at conclusions or predictions about these things would rob me of something very precious. So I'll set up camp at this threshold and await further instructions.

Sacred space is by definition liminal space. Because we are not in control and not the center, something genuinely new can happen. Here we are capable of seeing something beyond self-interest, self-will, and security concerns. True sacred space allows an alternative consciousness to emerge.

(Reader, what has been one of your liminal experiences?)

Help Needed

I'm stuck. I don't know how to move.

I see the kitchen gadgets, the blankets and throw pillows, the book cases loaded with a virtual anthology of my life in books, the art on the walls, and the clothes in my closet. But all I can do is look.

How do all of these things get organized, wrapped up, and carried out of this home and into another. Well, actually into TWO places because I can only bring the equivalent of summer camp packing with me to the new house and the rest will go to storage. How do I decide which stuff goes where?

And then there's the issue of timing. How do I pack things up whilst I'm still living amongst them? I mean, I don't want to wrap up the kitchen ware, because I still need to eat. And the clothes have to wait because I'm still wearing them.

Then how do I move it all? With what vehicle and with what team? So many people have offered to help when the time comes, and I have set their offers in a filing cabinet in the back of my mind because I have been thinking there is still time. But now there is no longer time. We move in less than a week. And there is a mountain in front of me that I don't know how to move.

But before the brute strength and fleet of vehicles can stream in to transport this from one place to two others, first it must all be put into boxes and other containers. This is where I am stuck. I am so stuck. I haven't done this in over 4 years and I don't know where to start. I need help. Yes, I'm in desperate need of an experienced, logical, patient, motivating person to come spend an afternoon with me working through this business.

Any volunteers to help with the organizational/packing end? Would you be free on perhaps Tuesday afternoon/early evening? I'll buy you Marie Catrib's take-out for your time...

Any volunteers to organize a vehicle and a small fleet of strong men to do the grunt work? On Friday morning or Saturday, I think will be best? I'll feed you all pizza...

testify

Tomorrow morning at church I will give a "Power Declaration" during worship -- a brief (read 20-second) summary of who God is in my life and how He has changed me. I went through several drafts to get to the much boiled-down summary that will actually come out of my mouth on Sunday morning. But the process was good because it got be thinking through this story God's been writing in my life and focusing in on His attributes, which He has taught to me over the course of the last year. I'm posting these two drafts in addition to the final, finished product, as a way of TESTIFYING to this God with whom I am so completely enamored.

1.

Desirable – one glimpse of His love
Necessary – I knew I had reached the end of myself
Trustworthy – he shows his heart to me to be good, allowing me to trust him
Father – I crawl into his lap and weep in his presence
Healer – when I expose things in the light of his presence, he heals them and brings freedom
He speaks – he wants to talk to me – prophetic words, small whispers
Husband – I went around like a woman in love
Father – I receive the blessing of his fatherhood
Leadership – because I trust him and know him, I can follow where he leads. He has always been leading and fathering me so that
I am who He created me to be
I am where He has called me to be
Faithful – wherever he has led, he has always been faithful to be there with me
Lord – he is on his throne, he moves mountains, he holds the hearts of men in his hands

I am overwhelmed.

2.

It had to start with a revelation of His heart. Once He showed His heart to be what it is – utterly trustworthy --- then we could begin. So I crawled into His Father lap and cried out to Him, put everything in my heart before Him. He let me know his Fatherhood and his Fathering, to heal the wounds left by my earthly father. I began to see that this conversation was not to be one-sided, but that He wanted to speak to me and that’s what he did – in prophecy and in the still, small voice. The more this relationship grew, the more I was in love. He is a husband who delights in his bride and in the light of delight there’s no place for shame. So over time I came to trust His leadership and as this confidence grows, fear and anxiety depart. Going through each day declaring to him, “I am yours, I trust you, I trust your leadership. You are what I want” and step by step he has orchestrated this miracle in me of restoration, healing, and calling. He has called me and anointed me. Part of that calling is to missional, monastic living at the Stockbridge Boiler Room. Following that calling has meant leaving security blankets and agendas behind so that I can have Him…fully! He is worth every sacrifice, every surrender because “better is ONE DAY in His courts than thousands elsewhere.” This is what I ask, “that I may dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

3.

I was a slave to fear, drowning in depression.
I worshipped my own intelligence.
Then He did open-heart surgery on me.
Three minutes in his presence did more than 5 years of therapy.
He has shown his leadership to be utterly trustworthy.
He has transformed me into a woman anointed and surrendered to Himself
I say, better is ONE DAY in His courts than thousands elsewhere.
My name is Brooke Sellers and I am a transformed follower of Jesus Christ.

relapse

spring gave every appearance of having come in earnest
and we watched it emerge with breath held in cautious disbelief
(because everyone knows it usually snows at least once more in march or april)

but the birds returned from their southern migrations and
the daffodils and crocuses dared to push tender shoots up through dead leaves
even the quality of light changed into something wholly different
so we relaxed into it and basked in it and decided it just might stay

then the snow came again, spreading itself seamlessly over the tender new life.
part of us says, "yeah, i knew this would happen" but still we are disappointed
and now we are keeping fingers crossed that when the snow melts again (it will)
the small birds and the green shoots will have made it through in one piece,
maybe even hardier than they were before

the quality of light is still different
even with the snow

these little things

1.

there are other miracles unfolding here, too, of course

i love to see allison and her dad, joel. they
come to evening prayer and love feasts with faithfulness and joy. their
comradery is effortless and true, the familiarity between mutual Number One Fans. they
are being changed by Jesus and allison is thinking and writing poetry on facebook

there are chickens among us now (three of them) and
today they laid the first two eggs, which have since been consumed
(1) in a cake and (2) by bea for lunch.
more to come.

i was sick this week and when i first poked my head in the house today (after 2 days absence),
i was greeted in those 3 minutes with no fewer than
2 hugs, 4 inquiries regarding my health and 1 reminder that i was being prayed for
and only after my rush-mode mentality wore off did i stop to gratefully see
that i am loved and grafted into this family

today was kat's birthday so i baked her a cake
even while i had the flu because i love kat and she deserves a chocolate cake on her birthday.

kim and i were chatting after evening prayer and
she mentioned that God Guides makes a great toilet book.
(brilliant! you better believe it's gonna become the toilet book at the new place).

jeff is so high on jesus -- and all the consequent safety and holy spirit chills -- that
he cannot even begin to imagine temptations for another sort of high will one day come knocking again
(like newlyweds to blissfully and blindly in love that they cannot even allow into their minds
that there may be a day when divorce sounds sorta good)

2.

maybe we

maybe we can set up house together
in the cozy, careful way that only women can
and we can teach each other to cook or to do a great up-do,
instructing one another in the womanly arts

maybe we can learn intimacy in this season
with sisters while we wait for the men of our dreams
to come sweeping alongside us in a God-choreographed crescendo
because for now we have each other and that is also very good

maybe we can have late nights of talk
that sometimes turn to dancing in our pajamas
and maybe sometimes we'll have some friction (of course)
but i hope we can put it out there on the table and have out with it
(we are being prepared)

maybe we can make Jesus proud of how
we clumsily manoeuvre our way into kingdom living in
our very own house, binding all things together in perfect unity
until our friendship shine the light of Jesus more than any words ever could

maybe we can then be shelter to other women
who due to bad luck, severe addiction, or abusive partners need
a safe place to lay their heads and bare their souls a while
while Jesus woos them in their sleep and in the sanctuary we've created

this would be very good to me

(for sarah, chelsea, and michelle)

A Borrowed Prayer

"Lord, You have made me a leader and a servant in the body of believers, but you also see how unfit and unprepared I am for such a huge and difficult responsibility. If it hadn't been for Your help, I would have ruined everything by now. Therefore, I call upon You. I want to devote my mouth and my heart to you. I will teach the people. I will learn and meditate upon Your Word. Use me as Your instrument, but don't leave me, for if I'm left on my own, I would easily leave it all in ruins."

This 480-year-old German prayer was given to me by someone I actually don't know but whom, upon finding my photographs and blog about the Boiler Room, thought I would be blessed by it. Indeed, I am. Thank you, Kevin.

sick

i've made myself sick. yes, i set it up. three factors are to blame:
1) sleep deprivation (but it was for a good cause every time, I swear)
2) far too much dairy (can you say ice cream every day?)
3) toxic emotions (because this season in my life is one of serious upheaval and maybe i'm not handling that very well lately)

so here i am with pounding headache, sinus congestion, fever, body aches and chills, in bed all day long, getting up only to drink water or take natural remedies.

God knows (and so does my body) that I needed this forced rest today. you see, when I'm headachey, i can't overthink or worry as much. and i can't overwork. so here in my bed today i've said clouded and earnest prayers and surrendered to unconsciousness the rest of the time.

Never-Leaver

she is one of my never-leavers.

she is one with whom i can talk too freely and too much.
she is one with whom i can share sweat pants and recipes,
one with whom i can fart or cry without embarrassment.

"like it or not," i said to her tonight, "you'll be my friend until you die."
because we're related and that is some kind of commitment.

that he married her and that she has become a sister is to me extraordinary[ily lovely].

love you, margo.

one sacrament

1.

tonight I heard confessions:
two men who told their lives through
in the presence of God and in the form of
something resembling a prayer
so that I wasn’t sure if I should listen with my eyes open or closed

no one taught them to do this, they just knew
that here they could open their mouths
and let it all rush out like a bursting dam

form doesn’t matter, only the heart

steve’s like the disjointed ramblings of a small child
whose relief at being safe is expansive and grateful
though he’s not sure yet what this thing is all about

jeff’s like the sick-n-tired nakedness of a fifty year old man
who is seeing himself clearly as a drunk in the presence of grace
though he’s so drunk even now that the holy spirit’s got his work cut out

so we rain over them with prayers
mighty warrior prayers commanding demons of deceit and addiction to flee
broken-hearted prayers beseeching God on their behalf for mercy and restoration

in this sacred space the heavenlies shift to make room for
two more called-home-again sheep

2.

we can go about in rags all day
because we know that
inside we are wearing red ball gowns and
dancing in the arms of a perfect love

we can let our hair get straggly and limp
and leave our faces untouched by make-up
because we are seeing our reflection in
the radiant glow of his delighted gaze

9 Reasons I am a Photographer

I like this list compiled by someone over at Desiring God ministries.

9 Reasons I am a Photographer

Thanks, Godwin, for bring it to my attention.

story

i’ll tell you a story now, he said

and the story was about a dutch man who owned art galleries –
big, sparkling, successful ones and five of them --
in new york city and the netherlands until

until God came calling and with unmistakable clarity
said, "I need you now. follow me."

so this man dropped everything and God made him into a minister
who would live the rest of his days on earth with a fire in his heart
and a paycheck not fit for a poor man

no one would understand this –
that he would leave behind the galleries
(and even lose all the wealth from their sale) --
to choose this pauper life

the only ones who didn’t think this man was nuts were
the poor and dejected and truth-starved ones
who found sustenance in his preaching every sunday

and this man was the story-teller’s father
and the story-teller was trying to say to me,
“i get it, precious one. you are not a fool”

when God comes calling, it’s best to reply,
"yes Lord, here am i"

(thank you, doc)

work no more

Here is news:

In the process of taking the SBR internship, it has become clear to me and to my employers that I cannot continue also working at the office. So, after a suitable replacement has been hired and trained, I will be stepping down and out of my job. The only work I will continue for DBC Natural Holistic Health Center will be finishing up the health counseling program with my pre-existing clients. This will be minimal (e.g., 1-5 hours per week from now until summer sometime). I am leaving with their blessings, tears... and affirmation of the goodness of this decision.

This is terrifying. It is terrifying not only because this means no more paychecks rolling in, but also because it means I can no longer defend, define, or direct myself in terms of my Career. I can't call myself a Health Counselor or boast about my degrees of my professional library or "going to the office." I cannot claim to be indispensable or important. And I am likely disappointing some of my family members, who have worked so hard to help me to get where I am -- with degrees and professional career choices. Oh, this is a very backwards move indeed.

BUT it is exactly what the Lord is calling me into right now: to be okay with living from His hand and from the support of others. So that I can be freed up to live this wild life of service and sacrifice. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be able to go do this thing... which is why it feels uncomfortable to have others fund me to do it. But there it is.

on spring days

on spring days these intentions come bubbling to the surface:

to educate myself:
on the planting of vegetables in the early spring ground
on the nutritional needs of recovering alcoholics
on the ins and outs of poverty
on the modern monastic life that i'm entering into

and this morning there is a crocus pushing up through the hard dirt in front of the house
and the birds were the first thing i heard this morning
and the door to the back porch can be kept open for a bit, to let in the sweet, fresh air

he makes all things new

breaks a little

so.
today my heart broke a little.
maybe not just a little. a lot.

it was broken during worship this morning as i stood, sleep-deprived and having recently finished wrestling with God until the wee hours...
and just wept and wept and wept, mascara streaming down my face, until the sermon started.
i didn't even care because these tears were large and wet with cleansing and surrender.
when danmike sat beside me and, with sheepish grin said, "you alright?" i nodded yes and smiled because it was very true.
and he said, knowingly, "i know."

yes, i'm okay because being broken and spread out is exactly the right thing for me right now.
and God has a sense of humor, too.

he shows his sense of humor when, in reading Merton's Seeds of Contemplation aloud to sarah and dm this lazy afternoon at the SBR,
every word in chapter 10 -- about the body -- was spoken exactly to me.
“as long as we are on earth, the love that unites us will bring us suffering by our very contact with one another, because this love is the resetting of a body of broken bones.”
i know this was given to me to be lived into with this new family of mine.
so i tuck them in the pocket of my heart.

my friend and brother marv relapsed today.
and sarah and i are huddled on the couch praying praying praying
while brad and chip and then jenn are having holy confrontation with him,
because things are shifting in the heavenly realms and we are stirred up
and the holy spirit is giving us the same things to pray, which to me is beautiful.
and this relapse breaks my heart.
it breaks my heart for the little girl in me that remembers other confessions of relapse and the consequent pain.
it breaks my heart for the little girl that shylah still is, covering her ears and telling me she can't listen to this,
(while voices are raised with emotion on the other side of the door to the back room),
so that i am forced to escort her to the quiet of another room and the distraction of counting nails in a jar.
it breaks my heart for the woman i am now, who is personally disappointed and hurt by marv's fall.
so i tell him this, because it seems authentic.
i ask bill after-the-fact if that's okay for me to do and he affirms that it's not only okay but necessary.

i listen to this drunken version of my friend marv
and i rub his back and force feed him pizza and look at him full in the eyes with all the tender love my heart contains for him shining out
and he has to look away
because there is shame and fear and he doesn't know yet that he is a saul-paul.
this man is the Lord's and the Holy Spirit is trustworthy in him.
even now, drunk and cussing up a storm,
the Holy Spirit in him is trustworthy because he's witnessing to S with alcoholic breath
and S is listening and now he's staying the night and we're having a conversation about redemption and grace.

i pray for brad that he'll be protected from any feelings of personal responsibility in what happened with marv on that fateful walk today
(because he's the one who heard the holy spirit say, during a midnight conversation alone in his room, that marv should be allowed to go on that walk)
and maybe we're all just hopelessly optimistic to have ever thought that might be a good idea, but i agreed with brad.
because the holy spirit is trustworthy in brad and marv, both.

perhaps the most precious thing in keeping vigil with marv as he sobered up this evening was this:
this is what family does and I am so glad to have been there.
though i'm blundering and naive, i have enough love and faith in here to move mountains.
and that is what we [He] will do.

this is how i know

this is how i know that we are on the right track:
Someone is starting to play dirty,
pulling out all the stops and
turning up the heat

this Someone knows me very very well
is hand-crafting circumstances, interactions, and temptations
that hit me in my most vulnerable spots

there are a million unredeemed places in my heart
at least 10 of them are being activated right now
as i stand at the threshold of a new life

(to name a few):

• desires deep and tender, the fulfillment of which seems highly improbable, so i resort to grasping
• the need to be special, unique & validated becomes impossible, so i resort to smallness and hiding
• a shedding of false identities as i step out security nets, so i resort to self-preservation
• not knowing how much of my humanity i can safely bare, so i resort to withholding

the anxiety is creeping in (i want to run away so badly)
at the prospect of throwing in my lot with these, my people:
chip, brad, danmike, chelsea, michelle, jenn, tony, marv, joe, don...
(and sarah, of course and obviously sarah)
i love you
but, brothers and sisters, we are in for a rough ride

i am so humbled
i'm floored, really, with what i see going on here:
none of this is an accident
and the fact that this is getting to be so hard tells me
we are on the right track

because when you are on the right track,
this is the sort of junk that starts slinking out from darkened corners

so i whisper under my breath, about a million times a day,
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus"
"I trust you. I need you. I am desperate for you."
This has never been more true.
And i ask Him, "What do you have for me here? What are you doing?"

("your feelings do not take God by surprise, nor is he dismayed by the timing of them")

i. can. not. do. this.

He. Can.

this morning

1:00 a.m. -- on the phone with akemi, laughing at the days to come. even though i have a strong sense in my spirit that I'm about to lose my job, the joy and the peace are ridiculous and we can't stop giggling.

8:00 a.m. -- one phone conversation with my boss in which she suggests to me that i might have to let Lifestyle Therapy go. because my heart is pulling me elsewhere and because DBC needs someone who can invest creative energy in expanding this program (that has up until now been my baby). we cancel my intake assessments for the day. this buys me time to go pray.

8:30 a.m. -- three women (i am one) meet in the prayer room to seek His face, to lay our gold in the dust so that we might know Him as our treasure (job 22:21-30). through tears, i grieve the letting go of those things that have defined me and made me valuable (degrees, career) and I choose Jesus. these three women also pray for sister hearts towards one another (we each grew up with only brothers), to learn to love well. here we have laid our cards on the table in vulnerability and my confidence in these relationships grows.

9:30 a.m. -- a woman i have never met in person, but with whom I have an undeniable Holy Spirit bond arrives at the Boiler Room. for a visit. our spirits recognize one another and we embrace. In the brief 15 minutes i have available, we make plans to connect again soon, to support and guide one another in our ministries to women for their wholeness. we agree that our paths have crossed for a reason.

and all of this before 10 a.m.

Jesus is SO GOOD.

holy and annointed insanity

laughter spontaneously erupts from me today
like some holy and anointed insanity
damon looks at me, giggling at the type-writer, and wonders why

it's because of jesus and
because THIS (see below) is what i'm resting in....

proverbs 15:16-17

better a little with the fear of the Lord...
better a meal of vegetables where there is love...

psalm 37:23-26

if the Lord delights in a mans way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
i was young and now i am old,
yet i have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
they are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be blessed.

proverbs 30:7-8

to things i ask of you, O Lord;
do not refuse me before i die:
keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread.

Below is an updated version of a letter I wrote in faith on February 5th -- an expectant prayer in the form of a premature support letter for working/living at the Stockbridge Boiler Room. Now, on March 1st, it is finally released...

------------------------

Dear friends,

A calling can be a rather unexpected thing and when you find it, your entire life changes overnight. When I went to my first Love Feast at the Stockbridge Boiler Room in January I expected a fun time of fellowship and an introduction to a place where I could go sometimes to spend time with the Lord in the Prayer Room. I was NOT expecting that three short weeks later I would be seriously contemplating setting up camp among that community, living missionally in a city I have been living in for 10 years.

But the draw was unmistakable, strong, and pure and the community so natural a fit that within weeks many were inquiring as to whether or not I was already working/living there. The Lord began working in my heart to show me how he has been preparing me for this, and to deepen the desire. He also brought along others to speak into my life about this calling. Then, this week I was invited to become an intern. (Interestingly and joyfully, my roommate/friend Sarah simultaneously felt the call and received the invitation). After much prayer and counting the cost, I (and she) have accepted that invitation.

The Stockbridge Boiler Room is an international movement of simple Christian communities that practice a daily rhythm of prayer, study and celebration while caring actively for the poor and the lost. Our Boiler Room started three years ago with a normal couple (Jenn and Tony Tendero) who had a calling to a neighborhood in Grand Rapids’ North-West side. The neighborhood is underprivileged, and the home to many poor and often addicted folks, as well as being “home” to many homeless men and women. The house that is now the Stockbridge Boiler Room was a crack house and a place of prostitution until the Tenderos acquired it in the summer of 2007.

Now this redeemed house serves as a place for anyone and everyone to converse with Jesus in the Prayer Room, to get a free meal at the weekly Love Feasts, or to be cared for in event of need. Addicts and prostitutes still frequent the place, only now they find Love here, instead of destruction. Already living and working there are a small number of men and women (whom I have come to love), as well as the Tendero family. All of these people are being the hands and feet of Jesus in this neighborhood. I can’t wait to join them.

In addition to joining in the pre-existing ministries, I look forward to seeing how God might use some of the unique talents and passions that I bring to the table. Amongst them, the use of photography for bestowing dignity on homeless women, providing nutritious food to rebuild minds and bodies, and exercising my counseling skills for those in need of deeper healing. Sarah and I will also be in a living situation that is set up to create space where women in need can seek shelter for difficult seasons.

Due to the nature of this ministry, being accessible and present for the often unpredictable needs of the community is a must. It is the nature of this ministry to be available in times of crisis to do whatever is necessary to serve the kingdom. I undoubtedly will be asked to do things beyond my initial expectations, beyond my comfort zone, and the expectation is that I will serve with grace, kindness and patience.

An internship implies a season of training, which is preparation for something that is yet to come. In this process I will be trained in ministry, challenged through living in radical faith and obedience, and discipled by spiritual mentors. I look forward to seeing where Jesus will lead me, believing that this is just the beginning of a lifetime of missional living.

I plan to continue my health counseling work part time whilst doing this internship. Though I believe that I will be able to cover most expenses through my part-time work, I trust the Lord to provide my daily bread for expenses that outweigh my earned income. (Note: It is my commitment to you that any support that funnels in that is beyond my own immediate need will be redirected to the ministry and those it serves or put into the community’s whole foods efforts or photography projects.)

I so thoroughly believe and trust in the work of the Holy Spirit in this movement and this calling is so clear. The need is so evident. The power of Jesus unleashed in an intentional, out-reaching community is life changing. I am excited to invite you to partner in this work.

If something wells up in your spirit as you read this, please prayerfully consider how you might be able to partner with us. I strongly encourage you to check out the Recommended Reading list (below) to learn more about what God is doing here. I also offer my time to sit down and talk with you if you are interested in hearing more of my heart about this undertaking.

Finally, I ask you to pray. For the first time in my life, I am deeply and irrevocably convicted that THE single most important aspect of any ministry is prayer (we have seen it already and we continue to pray expecting miracles). You might even consider coming to spend some time praying in our Prayer Room.

be true. be kind. go...

Brooke

Recommended Reading:

• www.stockbridgeboilerroom.org – the official website of our community – be sure to check out the links to the Tendero’s Blog
• www.flickr.com/photos/stockbridgeboilerroom -- the photographs I’ve taken of the SBR and the people who populate our community
• www.brookesellers.blogspot.com – my personal blog, on which I have been chronicling my journey into this calling (start your reading from the December 30, 2007 entry).
• Red Moon Rising by Pete Greig and Dave Roberts
• Punk Monk: New Monasticism and the Ancient Art of Breathing by Andy Freeman

February 2008 Photos

so in love

it feels as though I've just met and am about to marry someone... within three short months.
this is the whirlwind romance that a part of me has always craved.

only the romance is with a place and the community that inhabits that space.

tonight my family came to meet my new love.
they could see my face aglow with it -- lit up like a candle.

when i sit in that garage sometimes i feel like my heart could burst.
tonight there was tony, cradling bea, postured for worship,
and beside him DM and chelsea, strumming on guitars, singing brazenly.
behind me i could hear brad's voice and chip's, and sometimes sarah's
and they were beautifully enveloping, like surround sound.

how can i keep from singing?

the holy spirit caught fire during the time of thanksgiving,
and the gratitude just kept coming, spilling out endlessly,
interspersed with the prayers of L, who is on the brink of surrender.
under my breath i claim her for Jesus (she is His precious lost lamb and she is this close).

how can i keep from singing?

yes, i'm in love.

and there is a marriage about to happen.
during an afternoon walk with jenn today, i was proposed to.
i said yes (there was no other possible answer).
soon i'll be making those promises, covenanting myself with these dear ones,
committing myself to this work, this life, this Lord.

yes, it has happened quickly and unexpectedly and perhaps some think me rash...
but the peace is deep and wide and my love is true.
most of all, God has written this story, and that is the source of my confidence.

(i do hope that my future [literal] marriage will happen in similar fashion -- suddenly, inevitably, and undeniably ripe and right... written artfully by the great Story-teller).