Butterfly

I want to be married. I want to be a wife and a mother and a lover.
There, I've said it.

Funny how saying that feels like a confession. As if the desire to be married is some shameful secret. But I guess that's how I've been seeing it for quite some time now -- that the desire for marriage is a sign of weakness or insufficient independence. That somehow it means I have no aspirations besides popping out babies and doing someone else's laundry. It seems to indicate that I am waiting around for someone else to complete me or make my life worth living.

I've also harbored a great deal of cynicism, fear, and doubt about the state of matrimony. I haven't believed that it's something I'm capable of. I haven't trusted God to work a beautiful work in that sacred union. I've felt convinced that my life would be easier, less complicated, and perhaps more exciting if I were to live it as a single woman. So I'd woven this story that didn't leave room for marriage as a part of Brooke's 5-year plan. It was denial of a deep and legitimate desire. A desire denied for all the wrong reasons.

So now I'm "coming out" -- I want to be married. It feels really good to say this; even better to really allow myself to feel it.

This newly born desire feels like a fresh-hatched butterfly. A shimmery blue one. With expansive, delicate wings. It's flitting about freely. It's spent some time hovering over the heads of men who might be fitting landing pads. So far it hasn't felt at peace about landing anywhere. But it has hope. And in the meantime, it's going to enjoy it's newly attained freedom and the heights of flight.

This work is the work of God. Nothing short of it. His fingerprints are all over it. He has done this thing in me that I could never have done in myself. He has cleared up my perspective, He has surrounded and protected my heart, and He has filled me up with His love. In the safety of His presence, I am free to acknowledge my desires and press hard into the Lord for their fulfillment. If He has hatched this butterfly, He will also bring forth a suitable branch on which it can joyfully alight... and rest.

Today I am smiling like a tipsy lover at the reckless faithfulness of my Lord.

Rest without Work

When one doesn't work much, rest loses it's shimmer.

The other day at work, about an hour before closing time I started down this train of thought that I used to often indulge in back in the days when I was habitually working 12-hour days. The thought process centers around what a long day/week of hard work I had just had and how I can't wait to get home and do something to unwind and pamper myself -- like take a bath, or sit down with hot tea and a good book, or just eat a hearty meal. I dwell on how satisfying it will feel to enter into that well-deserved relaxation. And then it hit me...

I hardly had worked that day! Maybe 4 or 5 hours only, and all of them variable and flexible. And the entire week was filled with the same -- minimal work days interspersed with huge chunks of free time in which I could do whatsoever my little heart desired (because I am also not a wife or a mother).

A skimpy work week like this doesn't warrant that delicious Oh-What-A-Hard-Week-It's-Been-So-How-Shall-I-Pamper-Myself line of thinking. In fact, the thought of going home and pampering myself at the end of a day like that seems frivolous. I don't need any more rest or pampering or down time!

Work gives meaning to rest. Giving of time and energy to other people and causes gives value to those times when we can give to ourselves. And once our batteries have been recharged in times of self-nurturing restfulness, we are designed to move back out into the world to engage with it and impact it by our action.

The fact is that work is not a part of the curse God placed on mankind after the fall. Work preceded the fall. Work is our participation in God's creative nature. We were made for it.

My roommie/friend Sarah is starting to feel this, too, I think, since for the last several months she has only worked on average 10 hours a week and everything else is free time. She's starting to get a bit despondent.

It saddens me to listen to my generation talking about finding a way to retire as early as possible so that... so that they can do what? Sit on their asses all day and watch TV or take exotic vacations to luxurious resorts? Their souls will whither! We are mistaken when we think the extreme self-direction and personal freedom that comes from being unemployed, self-employed, or underemployed will give us the satisfaction we seek. Instead, it leaves us empty.

I need to work more. That's a fact.

Note: as I finish writing this, Sarah has just come in the door telling me she has just had an amazingly perfect job interview and will likely accept the job next week. Praise Him!

Accountability

No, you didn't ask to be the one to hold me accountable, dear reader. But I hope you don't mind. I am reporting to you regarding my New Year's Resolutions. It is essential to start off strong on these things or chances are you'll fall flat on your face in no time. So I am pleased to report that I have started off strong.

1) Scripture Reading -- CHECK! So far so good. It's been great to revisit Genesis, though I have to say there is a lot more weird and questionable stuff in there than I had remembered (e.g., the fact that Abraham was married to his half sister, or the Angels/Lord/Men who appeared to him before moving onto destroy Sodom).

2) Picture-a-Day -- CHECK! So fun! I'm really enjoying this particular resolution. For those who are interested in seeing them, and the mini-journal entries that accompany them, you can visit my Flickr page and click on the set called "A Day in the Life."

Hibernating

"Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be half-asleep all winter is so strong in me."

-- Ann Morrow Lindbergh

Every winter I remind my old friends and inform my new ones that in the winter months I am prone to hibernation behavior. They should know that if I do not return their calls, invite them over, or pounce at opportunities to participate in activities with them that it is not because I don't love them. I just want to sleep. Or at least curl up on the couch under a warm blanket with a good book. Alone. And I might cry more than usual.

For years I fought this. I thought something was wrong with me. I started calling it Seasonal Affective Disorder. I equated it with a manifestation of depression.

Then a discussion at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition changed my thinking on this. Joshua Rosenthal said that winter is a time for going inward and being still. He said that this is part of the nature-driven rhythms of creaturely life. When the days get shorter and the nights colder, we who, though more than merely animals, are indeed still mammals, are going to tend toward joining our mammal friends in their hibernation habits. It's when we fight this, expecting ourselves still to rush about at the same pace and with the same vim and vigor of our summertime selves, that we run into trouble.

The key to overcoming "Seasonal Affective Disorder" is to give into it. Structure your life differently from November through February. Go ahead and sleep 10 hours a night, cut back on your commitments, and agree with your social circle that you'll give each other a break for a few months. Or invite your loved ones to hibernate with you (why NOT all sit in companionable silence under your respective blankets on your respective couches and read your respective books?). If you have the type of work that allows you to flex your schedule, perhaps you want to move your work hours to start later so that you aren't waking up in the dark, which is really pretty unnatural. Finally, say no to all but the most meaningful and joy-giving holiday parties.

Winter months are also inward-looking (introspective) months. When feelings of melancholy slide in, allow yourself permission to feel it all, without judging yourself as weak or becoming fearful that you're falling apart. Have a journal or a safe person to talk it all out to. Go ahead and write sad poetry or free-write, through tears, how you felt when your father disappointed you last year at Easter. Sometimes "stuff" comes up in the deep darkness of winter. Allow it to be there. It might have something to teach you. Consider the crocus: long before they peak their heads through the snow in April, they have been gathering silently their momentum for growth in the deeply dark soil.

This perspective on winter, SAD, and hibernation has changed the way that I experience the winter months. In an odd way, I now actually look forward to this season of stillness and introspection, increased sleep, and a ceasing of activity. I'm even okay with the sweet melancholy (though that might be attributable to the fact that I'm a Type 4). I hope you'll embrace it, too!

A Tasty Frittata...Indeed!

Chris brought my attention to this wonderful recipe for a Tasty Frittata, featuring a cilantro-chili sauce, purple potatoes, pumpkin seeds, and goat cheese. This morning before church I made it for Justin and Marguerite and Sarah, too. I was nervous to make my first Frittata, but I needn't have been. Though it was sort of labor intensive, it wasn't difficult. We agreed that it was one of the better things I've made recently and I do so wish that I could take credit for having invented this recipe.

Here's a picture of it, though it doesn't even come close to doing it justice. (The photo on the source website is MUCH nicer).


All the same, it felt so good to get up this morning and share a home-cooked meal with some of my favorite people before going to worship the Lord together. Isn't the worship also occurring in these moments of shared meals and fellowship?

New Year's Resolutions

I don't normally make these. But here are two:

1) Read through the Bible. I found a nifty program for reading through it in 300 days in such a way that you get some old testament and new testament each day. I need more of the Word! I believe that when I commit myself to reading it, the Holy Spirit will show up to guide me through it to lead me into more understanding of the truth therein.

2) Take one photo per day. I got this idea from another GR Flickr Group member, who posted one photo per day capturing "a day in the life." I thought this was a brilliant idea -- both cute, intimate, and a good way to make sure that you get your camera out and USE IT a great deal.

Though Chris and I decided to move into 2008 as "just friends" we still had a great New Year's Eve together, along with his entire small group -- dinner out (I ate steak! shocking!) and then Guesstures and junk food at someone's house. Good times.

Happy 2008!