Finding Moderation

Most people don't start out their relationships with Three-Day Marathon Dates. But that is what Chris and I did. We even had an excel spreadsheet outlining the activities we would engage in during our first two weekends together. It was sorta the nature of the beast, given that we live two and a half hours away from one another. And even though we felt an instant sort of comfort and naturalness with one another, let's face it people, that's pretty intense!

Here's one thing I really like about Chris and about me with Chris: we're good at being honest with each other. We established pretty early on that we do the other no favors when we have some beef about something but withhold sharing that for the purpose of talking it out. So that means that I've had to learn to tell him when I need a night to myself (no phone dates) and that he's learning that he can tell me when my not calling him to explain my delayed arrival ruined his night as worst case scenarios ran through his mind. And sometimes we've had to be honest about other things that are more serious and a bit uncomfortable to talk about....

Like the fact that when I'm in a relationship I seem to regress into a messy, critical, anxious freak and may push him away at times. And then after I tell him that, he has to come to me and tell me how that triggered a long chain of anxious thoughts in him, too.

All of this makes us both realize just how suddenly and intensely we have fallen into this thing together and that maybe it would be okay for us to NOT talk every day and to NOT spend three days straight with each other every weekend. In fact, maybe a "normal" date is called for here!

I am pleased to report that this weekend we will have our first "normal" date. We will meet up, hang out a little while, have dinner, and then go our separate ways. To our own houses, in our own cities, in our own beds, and with our own toilets. And there will be some space and time to miss each other and to look forward to our next little span of time together.

I can get excited about this.

But all of this to say that this "Fools Rush In" phenomenon is pretty common behavior for me (and may you, too?). We meet someone we're excited about (potential?) or hear about an opportunity that makes our pulse speed up and suddenly our normal rhythm and cadence falls victim to our whole-hearted pursuit of that person or opportunity that makes our lives for a little while extraordinary. Until our bodies and our emotions get our attention and remind us that maybe we threw all that ordinariness away too quickly; maybe we miss it a bit. So the pendulum swings back and forth, hopefully to eventually settle at center. Moderation.

Can you relate?

Fours Unite!

My friend Whitney came over for dinner tonight. We have dinner together pretty much weekly.

Whitney is an Enneagram Type 4, too. We get each other in some really deep and fundamental ways. We understand the come-here-go-away dance that we do in relationships, the insatiable longing for some far-off ideal, and the disappointment that comes when you realize you've reached what you thought was the ideal and are then left with nothing else to strive for. We understand why one would want to turn something down because its not unique enough or try something else out because it's quirky and different. We understand the tendency to over-identify with our emotions, accepting them as the unequivocal truth about life, whilst being blind to the more objective realities. We even get how we shoot ourselves in the foot in all of his.

Yes, we get it. We get each other.

And yet as comforting as it is to know that the person sitting across from you at the dinner table can relate to all of this quirky madness, it stirs me up to recall how deeply I need to move beyond the confines of my FOUR definition.

I remarked to Whitney tonight that we cannot let one another stay mired in our FOUR-ness. That is SO not the point. The fact is that there is a whole lotta potential for ugliness in our life pattern. The way we see and experience the world does NOT always move us into more godly and centered living. Being a FOUR is not something we're supposed to wear like a badge of honor, nor hide behind as an excuse for our sinful patterns... it is something that we're supposed to outgrow. We're supposed to become too redeemed to be contained by it.

I don't want to stay here. I want to be transformed and lifted up and out. But have you ever noticed how hard it is to let go of those qualities by which we've been defining ourselves for so many years?

Two Very Human Things

1) A good cry. I've had a couple good, honest cries in the last few days. I don't really want to get into the whys and the wherefores of those cries, but I just want to say that I think a good cry is a really good thing. To sit and acknowledge and feel the pain, confusion, and struggle that comes with living this life under the gaze of a good but sometimes incomprehensible God... well, it's just HUMAN. Have a good cry.

2) Good food. Tonight was my Holiday Cooking Class. It was a raving success, I think. We made a wonderful menu full of delicious and nutritious appetizers, desserts, and beverages. We set the place up like a holiday Christmas party and mingled with the attendees, talking about some of my favorite topics: food and holistic health. I'm grateful for the earthiness and ordinariness of food preparation with other women (like my dear co-worker and friend, Tina) in a spacious kitchen on an autumn day. And I really love seeing other people enjoy what's been prepared and not only that, but to have the pleasant realization that real food can taste damn good.

A Foreshadowing Of Things To Come

(This is me with Chris' Nikon D70s)

One of this weekend's greatest accomplishments was the development of The Plan To Get a Big Girl Camera. I have been wanting to upgrade from my Pentax *ist DL for quite some time now, but have been uncertain on two key points:
A) What to upgrade TO (make, model, etc.)
B) Where to get the funds

After talking around with many photographers about point A, I have decided upon a Nikon D80. This camera is made by one of the major players in the photography world -- good reputation, fantastic lenses with lots of versatility and options for upgrading and expanding, and it will raise my confidence level in the ability of the technology to accurately portray what my artistic eye sees. Also, I have a few friends who shoot with Nikons, which means we can share lenses.

As far as point B is concerned, the plan is three-fold. First, I will sell my Pentax for $450 (yes, sadly, this is all I can reasonably expect to get for a two-year old camera, even though I spent $750+ on it when it was new). Second, I will use my sick pay (which gets cashed out to me at the end of the year if I haven't used it) and/or my Christmas bonus to cover the rest. If all of that adds up to the appropriate amount, I'll be able to get the camera body, two lenses, and maybe even a flash unit by January 1st.

Rock on!

Maybe it's not smooth sailing after all...

I thought I was pretty well fixed. I thought I'd come such a long way. I spent this summer moving closer to God, seeking His heart about me, accepting restoration and joy as I let go of my identity as broken and wounded. I was feeling very balanced and healthy, hopeful and expectant. I felt so far removed from the anxiety and "issues" that had plagued me for so long. With circumstances being different and my inner self having encountered God in an entirely new way, it seemed reasonable to assume wide open avenues lined with roses from here on out.

But apparently there are still some darker paths overgrown with thorns. I'm not 100% sanctified and healed after all. Dang it!

Isn't it funny that I even dared to think that there wouldn't be those darkened paths anymore? Wasn't it foolish to think that I had received a healing so deep and complete that I would never feel gripped by anxiety again; never again have to face my sin patterns straight in the face? Seriously. I should know better.

Relationships seem to bring all the junk to the surface again: the criticism and consequent disappointment; the withholding and the shutting down; the anxiety and the desire to run away; and the confusion about what I want and who I am. I am feeling oppressed and overwhelmed with these feelings.

As long as I'm single I'm a wonderful woman: I'm open and warm, enthusiastic, productive, balanced, successful, attractive, and content. But I thought I was also "ready," with my heart open and receptive, to have a relationship again. I thought maybe the problem wasn't me, but the men I've dated in the past. But when all the same feelings and impulses and fears come rushing back in the moment a man is serious about me again... well, doesn't that imply that the problem is ME? I am the only unchanging variable from relationship to relationship.

This is attached to deeply rooted fears in me. I fear that I am inadequate and incapable of loving a man or receiving love from him. And close on the heels of that fear is a fear of being always alone and isolated from the true intimacy I desire. All of this comes down to the root fear that "something is wrong with me" and "something very precious is missing and can never be regained." (Incidentally, these are the core fears of Enneagram Type 4s).

So my aunt -- God bless her -- wrote me these wonderful words today:

I just had an epiphone yesterday, though it is a ridiculously obvious one that I should have had much earlier. Rather than asking God to change me and trusting him to do that, I complain about my issues, try to change myself, and fight that change the whole way.
If I really am tired of being [cynical, critical, picky...fill in the blank], why don't I give up that trait and trust God to bring my nature closer to one like His?
I believe I have never trusted Him enough to give up the bad trait (bc that's what makes me who I am, right? I'm not really cynical, critical, picky -- I have high standards!), and stay close enough to Him to allow Him to work a good work in its place. I'm going to try that.

Ditto and Amen. I'll try that too.

Oops! I already screwed up! (And Swanky Holiday)

I said I would blog daily for the next month, starting Nov 21st. Well, I blogged on Nov 21st and again on the 22nd, and then I dropped the ball. Pretty bad, huh? Only two days into it!

Anyway, here I am again. If you'll still have me.

Yesterday was the third annual Swanky Holiday -- a gathering of very dressed up and slightly intoxicated friends. Its in lieu of Christmas presents. At these gatherings we eat great food (in this case a four course meal prepared by some us women folk), have stimulating conversation (one of the best this year was our talk about marriage as mandated by Jane's boyfriend, Lars, who was himself curiously absent), drink, dance, and let our hair down. Hilarity often ensues.

I could sense this year that for many of us this Swanky Holiday was doubling as a stress reduction technique. Joel and Sarah are in the midst of a very intense semester of grad school, Heather is about to start up a new job that will demand a great deal of her time and energy (luckily she's passionate about it), Jane was about to head back to California (about which she is quite ambivalent), and I was feeling a bit anxious and unsettled. So we drank a bit. Wine, mostly. The boys had whisky on the rocks. And we danced and laughed and took far too many photos in our glamorous clothing, falling all over each other in fits of laughter and affection.

And today I have the depleted immune system and slightly foggy head to show for it.

A Dish to Pass

I like to bring "weird" dishes to pass to family get-togethers. Luckily, they're all good sports. In fact, this year when I made my entrance I was greeted with an onslaught of questions about "what healthy dish did you bring this year?" And the tone of the questioning was NOT mocking or annoyed, but rather excited. They wondered if I would share recipes.

I brought curried millet with toasted pumpkin seeds and cashews AND gingery apple/yam/plantain saute. Yummy.

Both of these items were gluten-free, which was nice for my celiac cousin, too, who otherwise would have had a much more limited range of options.

There were also leftovers, which I will look forward to consuming over the next few days.

And for my second thanksgiving dinner on Sunday I'm planning to bring quinoa stuffing, a mixture of quinoa, squash, zucchini, dried cranberries, raisins, mint, and parsley. Yeah, I know it sounds "weird," but trust me, it's good.

A New Face

There's a new presence in my life. A person who has sprung onto the scene rather unexpectedly and grown to take up a fair amount of space at a pretty rapid speed, but who has the fingerprints of God all over him.

(I wonder if he will be embarrassed that I'm posting this about him?)

Chris and I met very briefly (I don't even remember having a conversation with him) in August of 2004 when his oldest friend got hitched to my oldest friend. Then in June of 2007 those friends of ours had a baby and through the photos he took of her, we re-met. We started talking about photography, but slowly we also became friends.

About a month ago when I was in town for our friends' birthday, I sat for a photo shoot in my sari for him. We hung out all afternoon and went to the birthday party together. The whole next week we talked on the phone incessantly.

Then he came to visit for a weekend. Then I visited him for a weekend. He's coming again this weekend. There will be more weekends, too, I suspect.

I'm not calling it anything. But I sure am enjoying this crazy guy. So here he is, the latest player on the stage of my life.

Uninspired... and taking up the challenge

Sometimes I write the least when I am feeling the best. It's as though melancholic feelings drive me to write and blog, whereas general joy and happiness leave me wanting for words. Depth of experience also leaves me speechless. And in my old age Im becoming more private in some ways.

The waters are deep here. In a good way. But I'm not sure how to blog about it all; how to utter the ineffable. There are big chunks of my inner life left hidden below the surface; I am a whole new person. But there's gotta be SOMETHING to say.

I don't want to let my blog die. Nor do I want it to be nothing more than a few of my latest photos with small captions. I want to live with an open heart and a free pen (or keyboard in this case). I want it to be worth reading as well as an tool for keeping me engaged and alert in the world (I mean, haven't you noticed that you're more observant and present when you know you have to write about it later?).

So here's my resolution, though it comes a bit late. I am joining this NaBoPloMo thing that some of you started weeks ago. I don't even honestly get the name of this blogging challenge, but I do understand that it's a challenge to blog daily for the month of November....

My month starts now.

Beauty Project Complete

I am filled with praise and gratitude for yesterday. For the way that God showed up and moved in our spirits to give us glimpses of His delight in our beauty.

I'll post more about it later, most likely. Today I'm hunkering down to do some serious photo processing from all the shooting.

In the meantime, here's a shot that the God-send second photographer, Lynell, shot while we were hanging out at lunch. It's not the whole group, but it's some of us. Here is a group of women who mostly didn't know each other when this day began, but between whom a sweet sisterhood sprouted up.
The T-Shirt that Lynell is wearing ("I am Beautiful") is from Zenia clothing line, which my friend Sarah is a co-founder of. Zenia sponsored our lunch. This t-shirt existed before the project, but it serves as such a great Official T-Shirt for The Beauty Project, that many of the women bought one. So great!

Announcing...

Fat Giraffe Bakery is up and running.

They are great and I am so excited.

Furthermore, I am practically famous because I've been published there.