A Meandering Rant

I'm restless because far too much of my time lately is unstructured and therefore tends to be idle -- unproductive, boring, wasted even. I sit here in my house for far too many hours (thanks to my bizarre new work situation and the "in between" state that it's in) and I do a whole lot of nothing.

In particular, I am getting really sick of myself and my laptop/Internet. I spend far too many hours spent on this damn thing. It's not a romantic way to pass the time. It's not something I'm proud of. If I were whittling away my days walking and reading at the park, engrossed in some amazing personal project, or even being a totally put-together homemaker (making home for WHO, I don't know), that would be something I could hold my head a little higher about. But instead, I get sucked into this machine and the vast web it connects me to. It's amazing how I can sit down for one distinct purpose, like checking my email, and end up over an hour later still perusing flickr pages, blogs, facebook, and whatever else. Sometimes I'm sincerely not sure what I've been doing for all that time. Maybe I should keep a log as a way of consciousness-raising about my addictive behavior. Maybe I should buy a timer and set it for just one hour per day. Once I've used that hour, I'll be cut off. I'll be my own parental control.

So really, I'm so sick of this. Yet I feel oddly uninspired to do anything else. Perhaps the computer is dumbing me down so that I can't even think of how to spend my time in the real world.

But I also know what it's about. It's about feeling connected. It's about the fact that I'm perhaps just a bit lonely these days. I have fantastic friends, but I guess I'm still hungry for more connection and sometimes it seems difficult to find that room with people in the middle of so many busy lives. I do realize that it's a false sense of connection; that it's a sham way of being in relationship with people. It's misleading to be able to know so much about the lives of friends/acquaintances without ever actually sharing physical space with them; without even hearing their stories from their own mouths. It's like the difference between reading the authorized biography of someone and actually being their friend.

And this brings me to another theme I've been musing on: the impact of physical and geographic space on personal relationships. We're so spread out, aren't we? Most of us have "friends" and family all over the country, or maybe even the world. This is a privilege, and it can be greatly life-enriching. But when our only mode of being on contact with others is through occasional phone conversations or emails, we aren't really living life with one another -- we're merely filling each other in on what's going on in each other's very separate lives. That's a distinctly different sort of relationship. I guess I can't come down on it too hard and say that it's a lesser sort of relationship, but I do often feel like it leaves something to be desired.

I long for community -- even though my reliance of things like facebook and blogger seems to trump my actual in-person time creating that community. But to spend a large chunk of your days on earth committed to one geographic location, and one neighborhood, and one church, and one core group of folks seems valuable to me. It's putting down roots and pouring yourself into something other than yourself. It's a simple way to live, and often a dull way perhaps. But that's where the real stuff happens, isn't it? And as our social security system becomes less of a given, isn't there value in being near family in order to take care of one another? Don't we need these sorts of connections so sustain us? What good is living in another new location every few years if there's no one to truly be with you when the shit inevitably hits the fan? What good is it if there's no one there who knows you and can remind you of who you are and from whence you came? Geographic and relationship rootedness give us identity.

That's a romanticized ideal.

Even within myself there's a tension between all of the aforementioned need for roots and my insatiable wander lust and desire for self-actualization. I feel myself strongly pulled towards novel experiences in far away lands. I get giddy at the thought of spending years of my life living and working in a third world country. I daydream about meeting the man of my dreams and moving far away with him somewhere to nestle in one another's company, creating our own new world on a perfectly blank canvas. I often feel like if there is meaningful and fulfilling work to be done in this world, it will occur somewhere other than here. I know that if I am transplanted into a new place, I will be called out into a new way of being -- a way that is perhaps more innovative and wide-angled. I can be something that I wasn't before, and try my hand at new tasks and behaviors that weren't previously available. It is much easier to stay fresh and engaged in the world when I am out of my comfort zone. But to attempt to follow God's calling on my life in the middle of a community that has always known me to be a particular person who does things in a particular way is like swimming up stream. It's difficult; self-limiting, even. It seems to put a cap on my potential and I start to resent others' apparent inability to let me grow and change.

And I lust for new sites, sounds, smells, and tastes. I long for Morocco, Thailand, Italy, Spain, and India. I want to collect their pieces in my memory and in photographs (like so many snow globes). I want to let my mind be stretched and my presumptions challenged by their Otherness.

Can I have it all? Is it possible?

Weight in with your two cents...

Housemates

I was alone in my house from August 2006 until May 2007. I was alone all that time because first my beloved friend and roommate Jane moved to California for a teaching job and then my downstairs neighbors moved to Lansing for jobs and a house. So all through the fall and winter it was just me and my cats. It was great for a while, ya know? With no one else to worry about, I could be as messy and undisciplined as I wanted; no competition for the laundry facilities. And with the bottom apartment vacant, that meant I could park in the driveway instead of on the street.

But eventually I started to see how when you leave a single, 20-something woman in a situation like this that two undesirable things can start to occur. First, she can become a bit hermit-like and lonely. Second, she can become a bit selfish and stuck in her ways. So I thought to myself, "Self, it is not good for you to be alone. It would be good for your soul to share your space with someone again." And since marriage wasn't looking likely in the near future, I started shopping for a roommate.

A roommate that God so graciously delivered to my doorstep one April evening. It was a match made in heaven and the timing was perfect. So Sarah Howard moved in in mid-May. We've shared out stories, cried and laughed together, and prayed together. I've seen over and over again the fore site and care of God in placing us together as roommates at this time in our lives.

Shortly there-after, two brothers moved in downstairs. My landlord said that although he didn't know them personally, they seemed like good guys to him, from what he could tell. And, indeed, Adam and Christian Fredericks are fantastic guys. They're wholesome, clean, and responsible. They come from a good family, help install air conditioning units, and re-plant the back lawn. And they're the kinda folks you can just drop in on to have a cold beer or to watch a movie (on their gigantic wide-screen, surround-sound TV).

It feels great to be sharing space again; to live in this sort of community. So here's to you, housemates! You make coming home fun again!

Here's the gang outside our house on Lockwood Street.

Where to put all this energy?!

There's so much in this world that I could do. I have all this energy that's been recently freed up due to having decided to remain undecided and uncertain about a major life decision. So in this time of waiting with things up in the air, the question is in what to give myself to "in the meantime." And the possibilities are varied and each seductive in their own right. Here's a few things I'm throwing around.

First of all, there is need and desire to throw a larger percentage of my head space and creative thought into my HEALTH COUNSELING CAREER. Things are shifting in positive directions -- new office space, more flexible scheduling, more people interested in becoming clients -- but I've been a bit of a slacker in terms of staying on top of the latest in my field. I need to crack open the health and nutrition books to refresh my memory, expand my knowledge base, and renew my passion for what I do. And I also need to stay connected to fellow health counselors for support and inspiration. I'd like to attend a couple seminars coming up this fall (one on Celiac disease), start a newsletter, create a cookbook, do health counseling trades with Heather and perhaps create a syllabus for myself to encourage reading. On top of my basic work load at DBC, there are a few opportunities to use my training/expertise outside of that context:

• A couple of clients/friends are starting up a fantastic new business -- Fat Giraffe Bakery -- with the mission of providing good food for all people, starting with supplying allergen-free baked goods and eventually hopefully providing, through missions, wholesome food to those in need. Maybe I'll take them up on the offer to do some writing for and cooperative work with them.
• Or perhaps I should follow up with my neighbor -- a pastor in a small, inner-city church -- who earlier this summer asked if I'd be interested in teaching a series of educational sessions on health and nutrition to his congregation.
• Or maybe I can find new ways to get involved in getting real, wholesome food (and cooking classes to boot!) to underprivileged and troubled teens in our community -- e.g., Wedgewood, where in one of the girl's residential units, the budget for a dinner for 14 kids is only about $10.50. Obviously these kids are NOT getting the nutrition they so badly need to have a chance at emotional, mental, and behavioral rehabilitation!

Second, PHOTOGRAPHY. It's ironic that at a time when I'm feeling perhaps LEAST confident in my ability to take great photographs, I seem to be having an influx of invitations to shoot weddings, family portraits, products, and senior pictures. I've been "talking photography" with others who share the hobby and their photos and input are both inspiring and humbling. I find myself more keenly aware of the areas in which I'm lacking -- primarily in my mastery of the digital medium and my lack of equipment. The one thing I do still feel good about is my ability to compose an image. So I'd like to take a photography class on Adobe Photoshop or just the use of Digital SLRs. I'd also like someone to write me a fat check for a couple new lenses, and external flash, and a great carrying case for all of it.

Related to photography in general is my new, more specific obsession with making photo books. Blurb.com has me wrapped around it's little finger. With it's downloadable book-making software, I can create publisher-quality books of my photos (or my blog or recipes, too, if I feel so inclined). I've already created one for my friends Nicolette and Jason of photos I took of them in the events leading up to their wedding and I'm nearly done with one for Jesse and Pellagia, whose wedding I shot on July 28th (you can see these on my Flickr page in the set titled Muliba-Geston Wedding). I also made a book of all my Zimbabwe-Zambia photos (finally)! I have this daydream -- which may be complete unrealistic -- that people will hire me to make photo books out of THEIR photos, too. Like, they had me CDs of all their collected digital images that they haven't printed or done anything with, then I edit/crop them to make them look their best, the insert them into gorgeous books. All for the low low price of $10 per hour, plus the cost of the actual book printing. Any takers?

The third area of consideration is in SERVICE. You see, over the last couple of months God has been working deeply in me. Through all the upheaval and confusion and sadness of going through my break-up and facing resurfacing wounds from the past and ongoing spiritual battles, He has drawn me nearer to His heart. I'm learning to sit with Him and be healed by His presence, to hear His voice, and to submit to His will. All of this has been a priceless blessing, and although I know it's not yet finished, I believe that this inner healing is likely only a beginning place for something bigger than me, which I will offer back to the world. I have been spending time in the inward places, receiving healing, and soon it will be time to go outward. Isaiah 1:16 says, "learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow." So I'm not saved for my own sake alone, am I?

In this area, there are several ideas floating around:

• Crisis pregnancy counseling at the Pregnancy Resource Center,
• Involvement in my church's Refugee Task Force, which sponsors political and religious refugees to come to the US and get acclimated to life here,
• Taking on a mentoring role with a teenager, supporting a small orphanage in India either through financial giving or actually going there to serve for a month,
• Joining the Peace Corps in Morocco,
• Committing to prayer ministry events at the Bridge Street Prayer House, or
• Participating in a pilot/training group for a Spiritual Formation/Healing curriculum the minister of outreach is getting started at my church.

Obviously I can't do all of these things, so I'm in need of guidance as to which one(s) to devote my energies too. All are worthy, but which ones will light me on fire?

So I welcome your two-cents worth, if you feel you have any to offer. Which of these pursuits do you think I'm gifted in? Which seem like a good fit for my interests and passions? I'd love to hear your input, but please be warned that I reserve the right to ignore you; my first priority will be listening to my own heart and God's.